Holiday Cheer...Ish.

I apologize in advance if you've stumbled upon this post as a first visit to my blog... I am typically full of optimism and silver linings... Not really today.

The holidays have been a rough spot for the last several years. Post divorce and still praying for someone to complete our family unit and fill in the little daddy shaped holes in my children's hearts.

Each year I tell myself I will celebrate and change the cycle of sad. I end up just getting through, feeling satisfied that at least I was able to keep a smile on my face and feign excitement for the kids sake. This year, unfortunately, was a repeat of the past 4.

It seemed like everyone I knew as a "single friend" had finally found their other half and were either getting hitched or announcing the engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them. But left feeling like I've just been forgotten. Or worse, not worthy.

The last few years have been rough and this past year, especially dumb. It's probably a good thing nobody came along because I'm not sure it could have even worked. Well, actually I know it wouldn't have since the one I thought was well, you know, THE one came...promised...and then went. I'm not altogether sure I'm not over that one just yet. (Who am I kidding)

I feel guilty for complaining because so many have it far worse. Trust me, I know this. I just would like to feel like my feelings matter. I understand it could be worse.

I mean, although the Waffle House staff is lovely and I enjoy spending holidays with them... I think I'm ready to move on.

I do have faith. Even with faith, it's difficult to walk the journey at times. You know something will come to you but you have no idea when, how or really anything. It wears on your strength sometimes. Holidays always getcha.

The worst part I think is that I know what I want but it isn't within reach. And possibly not even Gods plan for me. Having to make a choice of keep holding on because its so important, or let go, endure the pain and try your best to move on.

The one thing I do know is that letting go feels an awful lot like giving up. And that's one thing this girl just can't do.

...this post brought to you from the comfort of my good ole standby booth at my trusty Waffle House...

This One Hits Close To Home...

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Oh, You'll Need To See An Advisor In The Disabilities Office...

The last month or so has been "survival mode" for me.  I was drowning in my math class, overwhelmed with mandatory lab hours in sign language, working 2 hours each morning in the barn before getting the kids and myself off to school...coming to a head with a long, drawn out court battle with my ex who lives to tear me down...I had to flip into auto pilot and just get through this mess one day at a time.

I began to realize that in spite my intense approach to tackling my life long nemesis, math, I was losing and was about to face full suspension from all classes if I did not pass with a C. Pressure was mounting and I was drowning no matter how hard I worked. An incredible friend of mine stepped in and offered to "sponsor" me in math by paying for a tutor. I've never really heard of being a "sponsored" math student but I was relieved and humbled at his effort to support my dream and chance at a better life for the kids and I.

Well, about 30 hours of tutoring later, 6 out of 7 nights a week, at least 2.5-3 hours nightly leading up to the final exam...I failed the class. Again. That was it. Done. Unable to continue any studies for 1 full year. It didn't matter that I had all straight A's and has tested into the sign language interpreters program. Dreams for a better future, shot.

The worst part was that I didn't even get to finish half of the test. I ran out of time and was not permitted to even bubble in educated guesses, being forced to take at least 40% zeros. I began to sob uncontrollably.  How is it possible that I THAT stupid? How can I not get through a learning support algebra class as an adult?! It was high school failure all over again, torturous.

I went to the head of the dept and sobbed like a child. There was no sympathy, just a cold shoulder. I was devastated. I felt I had failed all of the people who were personally invested in helping me succeed. My "sponsor", my friends who watched my kids so I could go tutor, my friends who sat in as a tutor, dozens of people who poured in love and encouragement who KNEW I would prevail. I felt I had let them all down and was crushed.

Well, something fell into my lap from a friend I hadn't spoken to since high school. She sent me a message explaining that based on some of the things I had shared she believed I should be evaluated for a learning disability. I didn't think much of it at first and went on with my night. Little by little I began to recall several people over the course of a few weeks (mainly those who did math life with me) asking if I had ever been told I was possibly dyslexic. I was puzzled and like "um, no. weirdo." Some would gently tell me..."did you know there is such a thing as dyslexia with numbers?" I just dismissed.  Nah, I'm just rally bad at math. I get it from my Mom. (sorry, mom!) It was a joke in our family that all of Mom's funny things she wasn't great at, I inherited!  (I'd be well off in this life if I could be even half of the woman my mom is...awful math and all)

So I decided to just take a peek and Google this "dyslexia with numbers" deal. You know, just to say I did and move on.

What I read not only stopped me cold in my tracks, it changed life as I know it forever. All of the odd things I never admitted to others out of fear of embarrassment, all of the concepts I could just never ever grasp...it was ALL there.  Things I would have never realized were somehow connected.  I wasn't just bad at math or stupid. I had Dyscalculia. There was no doubt.

It was the strangest experience. I went from devastated-failure-mess to thrilled-hopeful-ecstatic. My emotions were on the most intense roller coaster ever. I printed my documents and off to school I went, determined to find answers and fight for myself. I approached my teacher who knew my situation and asked him if I could have permission to go look into this.  It then when he looked at me and said "Yeah, you need to go to the disabilities office." Um. Come again?

No, no, no, you see, I go to school to help people with disabilities...I'm not the one with a disability. Oh, wait, hmmm. Definitely a challenge to be thrown on the opposite side of the table you are used to. I walked hesitantly into the building, wondering if I had a sign that said "broken" or "defective brain" or worse "disabled" as I walked toward that room 1300.  No joke, luckily I had some humor to lighten the mood as I went to walk in...there was a sign saying "Accessible Door Is Not Working, Please Knock For assistance"  ON THE DISABILITIES OFFICE DOOR! Palm to forehead moment for sure,

I went in and found it hard to say what I was there for. I had to admit I believed I had a disability and without special accommodations I would not be capable of getting through certain classes to graduate. Gulp. Me? Admit I am not fully capable? I am Mrs. Elbow Grease I Can Do Anything!

I met with the most incredible advisor and after a couple of hours finally began to relax and allow a slight bit of hope in. We concluded I do need to be tested and receive an official diagnosis. We feel confident that I suffer from this learning disability that wouldn't ya know...is genetic. Answers for Momma too! And oddly enough, I had been watching my daughters writing since last year after noticing some strange habits. The most common and disturbing being her writing as if she were looking into a mirror. And perfectly correct! And...when asked if it looks different than her regular work she says no! Hmmm, we may be onto something. Her teacher dies not feel it is a need for concern but I'll be watching.

I really don't even know how to summarize what I have taken from the last 24 hours because there is just too much. I see God's grace and provision, I see new a new light of compassion, I see a new fierce determination, I feel like I can scream "See!!! I'm not crazy!!!" and so so much more.  All of the quirky things I couldn't grasp and understand were finally being explained.  I wasn't just dumber than everyone else. The most exciting part right now is knowing that maybe there is some hope to learning better ways to educate myself in these areas. H-o-p-e.

And...I went back to cold math dept head today with my new finding and paperwork and a nice cheery, hopeful smile. She said she had been thinking of me and after listening to me she wanted to try and think of a way I could earn my passing grade to continue schooling and hopefully with my disability status and accommodations, be successful! She was clear she made no promises but said I may be able to do extra work over the break and earn my C. That was an incredible moment.

So, I am waiting to receive my appointment date and actually look forward to a potential diagnosis.  It may sound like a strange thing to be excited for but when you have gone through life as I have as far as school and education, it is an incredible relief to think there is a reason for your immense struggle and hardship. And I will say it again..the word of the day... Hope. It is an immeasurable gift to finally have a tiny glimpse of hope in a lifelong hopeless situation. 

Snarglebarf...

...means I have no words...

Tonight my heart was rocked. 

An email came to me through the women I volunteer with at church saying there was a single mom with 5 children who had landed on some difficult times and would not be able to provide gifts for her children this Christmas.

This familiar deep deep rooted mixture of wild emotions washed over me and I knew I had to jump in both feet first.

See, for the past 2 years I have been in her shoes. I am a single mom and first time college student, trying desperately to earn a better life for my family.  If we couldnt afford to barely keep up with rent or a new coat during the winter, Christmas gifts were surely out of the question.

I have looked my (then) 6 year old son in the face and as gently as Ipossibly could, explained that we would not be exchanging gifts that year but that I knew his grandparents would do their best to try an make is special with a few things when we got down there. (Still wasn't sure how I was going to buy the gas to actually get them there)

My son looked me in the eye and without budging said :It's ok, mommy. I'm okay with just a few things from Grandma and Papa. Mom, do you want to have my money from my piggy bank? You can have it!" 

I just cried happy tears that my boy was learning what is really important in this life. Not the gifts and shiny things, but love. Family. Compassion. Grace. My heart was overflowing.

Even now I'm not sure how we will make it through the holidays but that is not even on my worry radar screen. God has been so merciful and gracious to my little family.

I am mostly excited (like ridiculously excited) to play a small role in knowing the joy, the love that this other single mom will get to experience when her whole list is completely filled by strangers who support her! THAT is the good stuff.  THAT is Christmas.  THAT is love.  ove should be a verb. You DO love. SHOW love. BE love.

This, my friends, is what I live for. What an incredibly meaningful night.

I am so grateful that I am learning how to live a joyous life through loving and serving others. It is truly unlike anything I have ever known.

Seeing People As A Story (Throwback Thursday, Oct. 2008)

(Originally blogged October 2008)

So I have been reading “The Relationship Principles of Jesus” by Tom Holladay, a pastor from Saddleback Church in Lake Forrest CA.

I have been learning about how to love like Jesus and value relationships as they shoud be, the way Jesus did.

Confession…one of the more recent chapters I have read is about judging others. It teaches that we are not to be the judge of others, God is the only true and just judge. Well, let me tell ya…sometimes I feel like I am 24/7 in the world of like American Idol where anyone who steps in my path is just asking for it! And sometimes you think by the way people dress or act that maybe they are!

I can be cold in my thoughts toward a stranger on the street by automatically judging them in anyway…clothing, language, presentation…oh i am good..or bad really! So, today I was at the gym and I am not sure how or why this happened but I saw a woman running and instead of a quick “innocent” judgement, I thought to myself…hmmm…she has a story.

It was really a great way to help me from making an unfair, unkind judgement to take a second and see her as a story. So now, if I see someone who is rude or angry…something made them that way…they have a story….and maybe I can take a second and have compassion for them rather than just write them off.

I think if we remember to see everyone as a story it will help us be less critical and quick to judge!

Hopefully I can remove my head from my rear end long enough to make this a habit! Otherwise…just don’t wear or do anything stupid around me…youre just asking for it! Just kidding…kinda.

I'm So Fancy...

So I blogged...but I'm so fancy it's exclusively found at ... Project: Underblog

Click on this here link, folks to eavesdrop on my thoughts...

Mrs. Lady Jane (Throwback Thursday Feb/2008)

I met Mrs. Lady Jane today by accident. No, literally…she hit our car.

I was at the docks waiting to go test my dads new super cool boat out when it took longer than expected so the girls decided to go get food for everyone. So my friend Kenessa, my brother’s girlfriend, Jenny and I hopped into Kenessa’s car to get some grub. K drove and I sat shotgun with Jenny in the backseat of the compact car. Anyway, on our way back (we were only like 4 miles from the dock) all of the sudden we look over and notice that the car to our right (it was only a 2 lane road) was coming over and in that slight second you think “surely they will correct their mistake and get back…crash!” We all screamed as this little old lady sandwiched us with her big old station wagon.

Immediately I went into emergency mom mode and checked on Kenessa’s ability to hold it all together (by the way…she handled it like a rockstar) and began to asses the situation and lead her off to the side of the road. After realizing we were all unharmed my focus went to “who is this person and what am I going to have to fight against to prove this was not our fault!” Well, out stepped sweet old Jane. Sure, she was old as dirt and probably shouldn't even have had a license… but I could not help but reach out. She fumbled and shook and just apologized profusely. She was so upset with herself and embarrassed.

We made the appropriate phone calls and waited for the police. It must have been slammin’ in the ghettos of the old Palm Coast because they sure did take their time. So during our good hour with Mrs. Jane we began to get to know her story. After not too long I realized this meeting was no “accident.”

Mrs. Jane was on her way home from visiting her dying husband in hospice. He is suffering from demetia. She has 2 family members left but they live across the nation and in her words her and her husband were not fortunate enough to have children, so she is alone.

She had made a statement that she had never been in an accident before so me, trying to lighten her load made a comment about what a great driving record she must have and she should be proud.

Well, she says (only to break my sappy heart) that she has never driven much because her husband alwaysdid that for her and now he is unable. How romantic and tragic at the same time. (She STILL shouldnt have that dang license though! hehaaa)

So after our time together and caring and loving on Mrs Lady Jane we said goodbye but not before we shouted to her “Oh, by the way, you have just adopted 3 grand daughters today!” She smiled and almost cried. We told her to call us if she needed assistance or just a friend. She seemed so genuinely appreciative and was happy to tell us that she would take us up on our offer.

Now, we are not superheroes or ultra wonderful people. We are average, young girls but it was neat to watch God use us. The whole time I was with her I kept wanted to invite her to church…granted the bass and drums may but her bedside to her husband…I think she would love the company. (I thought I might wait til after this Sunday’s pornography/sex study…but then I guesss you never know! so kidding.)

You just never know someone’s story. I wonder what it would be like if we took the time to get to know one another. How many people could you reach and touch? Do you trust God that He will make you capable to offer something so great to one another?

It was a neat experience and so funny that all 4 of us walked away from this situation feeling love, trust, respect, compassion, pride, and so much joy. It was a freakin’ car accident! Hello? Did it shake our brains a little too much? How cool when you let yourself see the light in the midst of a dark situation. Give it a try! You may surprise yourself! I did.

Goodnight, Mrs. Lady Jane. We will say special prayers for you tonight.

Being In Need

Being in need can pretty much suck. Knowing that you aren't making the ends meet, falling short, having to admit that you alone are not enough. And of all things...to provide for you and your children.  How is it that on person can devote every fiber, bone and feeling they have toward something yet still fall short?!

Well, as often as those frustrating thoughts run through my head...sometimes I have moments like now that I cling to.  This week, being in need has provided me with more love than I think I have felt in a very very long time.

Sometimes being in need gives those who love a chance to shine.  And oh how bright and beautiful it is when they do.

This week was a particularly difficult one. Very few people knew the depths of the issues. Usually I keep people in the dark on purpose. Smile and remember to be grateful, don't bog others down with your neediness!!!

Well, a couple of situations presented themselves and I was exposed. Quite vulnerable.

What unfolded throughout the rest of the week was healing, hopeful and pure love. Friends and family coming alongside, wanting absolutely nothing in return...all because they love me.

Every now and again a realization like this works wonders on the soul.

Thank you to those people who have given us your love. I cherish it.

It's A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!

A few years back I found myself married, with all of our family on the opposite coast...wondering what to do with ourselves for this awkward Thanksgiving holiday coming up.  We couldn't travel home because of work, sooooo.....hmmm.

I come from a huge family. At least 45+ people each Thanksgiving. Every type  of turkey you can imagine and gut busting portions of all the necessary trimmings! How was I going to transition from that?

So, I had an idea. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Surely that had to be others out there with nowhere to go for this holiday! Hmmm, maybe I could open our home to those in our lives that for one reason or another would be alone during this time of family and friends!

I began to make phone calls and reach out. The response was moving. Each person that accepted the invite felt...valued. They had somewhere to be now. Somewhere they belonged. Somewhere they mattered.

That morning I was up at the butt crack of dawn fiddling with this big ole turkey. Something which I had zero experience with!  Just for fun I stuck it on our George Forman grill and took a picture of me looking confused"cooking" it and sent it to my mother! Of course she and my Grandmother believed I could be that dumb in the kitchen! Classic.

As the day went on my heart began to fill. First, a friend from my ex husbands work showed up with some quiche casserole dish...so proud that he made it himself...he took a seat at our less than impressive table. A bit later a man who was working away from his family and making a temporary home in his office strolls through hesitantly, takes a seat at the table and begins to realize he fits it. Later, a lonely soul who had burned the bridge with family comes and joins the table...and by ttime dinner was ready I walked out to find a table full of love. Acceptance. I knew this was what my home was to be from now on. Open arms.

So, obviously, I am now divorced. Each year the kids go with their dad for Thanksgiving. I tend to stick to myself and not do the big family shindig. I tried in one year post divorce without the kids and somehow all it did was magnify my loneliness.

So, this year...I'm bringing back the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and I could not be more excited! A very good friend of mine is opening up his home and we are opening our arms this holiday. I am so eager to see who ends up around our little table this year...from all different walks of life...different friends from different decades, forming new memories...together.

Maybe there is someone you could open your arms to this Thanksgiving?

The Blame Game

Yesterday I sat in my college classroom jaw wide open, stunned.

In class we were read a fictional story about a baron and baroness. Let me see if I can give you a quick summary.

Baron tells baroness he needs to go to town for the day and she is to stay in the castle while he is away. Baroness decides she will make the servants let down the drawbridge so she can leave and return before the baron would ever know. She goes to spend the day with her lover. On her return a mad man is wielding a knife at the entrance of her drawbridge. Threatening he will kill her if she tries to pass.

Flustered she goes to her lover for help. He denies her wish. Then she goes to a friend, denied again. Next to a boatman, denied again. Out of idea she tries to go back and find a way past the mad man. He kills her.

OK, the question was asked to us (a mixed classroom of ages 18-45 or so) Who is the most at fault for the baroness's death? And who is the least?

Well, immediately my brain decided...technically or morally speaking?! Technically the mad man is responsible because he literally murdered her.  Morally it's the womans own fault. Had she listened to her husbands command in the first place she would still be alive and safe. Her greedy desires to step out came with fatal consequences. Duh!

What came next not only stunned me in my chair but made my stomach just churn.

One young girl stood up and with passion and proceeded to boast about had her husband fulfilled her needs she wouldn't need to be searching for a lover to fill her needs. Her husband is completely at fault!!!

Next, an older woman stands and says "The servants are to blame! They should have never let her out of the castle!"

And then "It's the lovers fault! He should have tried to help her, especially is he is sleeping with her!"

And on and on the wild blame went...they all had one thing in common...nobody thought for a moment this tragedy was a consequence  of poor decision making. 

Regardless of what is going on around you, you are the only one is full control of yourself and your actions.

I look around at a culture that looks to anyone or anything else to blame for their misfortune. A mentality that 'I couldn't possibly have had anything to do with these messes I continue to find myself in!

When my son was learning to walk a family member made a comment that has forever been engraved in my brain.  My son was walking along, lost focus of what he was doing and ran into a coffee table and began to cry. She swooped him up in a nano second and began to hit the table yelling "bad table! bad table! That table hit you!" Now, knowing this persons child who grew up to be the epitome of someone who can do no wrong...I could see why.  Nothing, not one thing was ever their fault! 

We as a culture are teaching the next generations that there is no need to take responsibility for our actions.  You can just blame something or somebody else and its off you and now their problem.

Have you ever dealt with someone like this?! It is incredibly frustrating!

The best thing we can do for our children and those lose to us is allow them to see their mistakes every once in a while and give them some tools to try and make a positive change. Take responsibility when you mess up. Own it, better it and change it.

We can't change the whole world. But we can all start by looking inward and changing ourselves.

Juicy Juicy Post...

...so not in a yummy yummy way.  For all the details...

Today's post is featured on Project Underblog! 

Throwback Thursday! (I Heart This One!)

This is a blog entry from about 4 years ago, immediately following an awful divorce and moving in with my parents. Children were barely 1 and 3...


What True Love Looks Like...

"So at first glance all you seem to be looking at is a random office desk, some files and a microwave…right? Not to me. You see…look at the left hand side of the photo and you will see a unopened water bottle gently placed atop a randomly placed microwave…amongst office supplies…strange…? Not to me. …let me go back a step…follow me here…
For those of you who do not know…I have recently moved in with my children to my mother and fathers home due to a recent divorce. Life has been tough but we are loved and extremely grateful to have the unconditional support we receive in this home. So…my 2 children and I share one bedroom and on nights when I need extra good sleep…which is pretty much every night…my dad allows me to crash on the bed in his office to escape the nighttime grunts and moans of the children….
keep followin me here…
Oftentimes my dad will hear me make my nightly trips (or super early trips) down to the fridge…making a bottle like a zombie…sticking it in the microwave and trying to rush back up the stairs without injuring myself in my sleepy stuper to get the bottle in the mouth before one child wakes the other…exhausting.
So…today I come up to my little office getaway (which is usually less than relaxing with papers flying from one end to the next)…to find everything at peace, organized, and restful…so I thinking “wow, dad was ambitious today!”…and then I look over and my heart melted. He had done this for me.
Strategically placed between the desk and the filing cabinet is a lovingly placed microwave…for heating the midnight bottle… along with an unopened bottle of water…to keep me from having to run the gauntlet. He never says a word, just wants to show love.
Some people want diamonds or elaborate vacations…this is true love."

Searching for Hope in Hospice

Friday night I had the honor of being asked to come and pray with a friend and her family.  The honor came in that it was in the most difficult time if their lives together as a family. Her sister had been admitted to hospice that morning and the family was in need of a miracle.

As I made the drive to the facility my mind was racing with what to possibly expect.  I have had little to no experience in these type of situations and was so afraid I'd say something completely stupid. Was I equipped to offer anything helpful to this family?

I arrived about 7:30pm and my friend met me at the entrance. She looked thin from worry, sad yet happy to see a familiar face.

She walked me in and I took note of the sanctuary, family coping rooms and other sobering realities. Deep breaths and silent prayers as I walked the halls.

I was introduced to all of the family but everything changed when I met her mother.  A sweet, short, blonde woman with puffy red eyes and a twinge of hope as she gazed at me.  It hit me as she began talking...I was the "Church friend" and could maybe, just possibly prayer that special prayer to bring her daughter back to health.  I think at this point this woman, this family was looking to anyone who could possibly help in their desperation.

I felt overwhelmed. I kept reminding myself that God can use me even if I feel incompetent.  I just need to be willing, He could use me.

We all sat and they filled me in on their loved ones steady decline. I could see their faces full of grief yet searching for a miracle. Not willing to give up.

Later I was asked if I would be comfortable entering the hospice room to pray over their family member.  She was only 43.  I was prepared for this question and knew I would do anything in my power to love them in this time. So off we went, my brave face on praying the whole time for the proper reactions and words.

Entering that room was one of the most sobering moments of my life.  To see this woman, someone so loved by her family and friends, reduced to a limp body with an oxygen mask. Unable to move, speak or communicate in any way.  My heart sank for this family.

Her mother and sister sat in chairs on either side of her as they draped their exhausted bodies over her lifeless self.  I stood behind my friend and began to beg and plead with God for a miracle. We praised him for his promises and gave our word to trust him in his decisions. Possibly easier said than done in this situation.

When we finished I found myself a hair and sat quietly, chiming in on conversation every now and then. Just trying to follow their lead and blend. Support.

We spent the rest of the evening talking, even laughing at times. I wasn't sure if I was helping in any way shape or form but I was determined to stay at my friends side until she fell asleep or kicked me out. Silently hoping maybe this would help but not all all sure how or why. So I just was. There. Sitting. Talking. Walking. Hugging. Staring. Whatever she needed.

Family came and went, said their goodbyes. I sat.

Midnight came and my friend had finally allowed herself to lay on the cot and began to get the sleepy eyed stare.  I let her know I'd stay if she needed but it looked like maybe she could actually get some rest. So I said my goodbyes and headed back home.

As I drove, the strangest feeling rose up within me. Of course you realize you need to love those around you and not take them for granted... but this was life changing for me.  I took complete inventory of the people in my life. I thought about how I love and what I offer to those in my life.  I thought about the legacy I would leave if I should pass unexpectedly.

All of the sudden I was angry. I felt alone and weak. I was dreading pulling into my home knowing my children were away with their dad and I'd be alone. If there was anywhere else I could have gone I'm sure I would have. Anything but alone.

The next day was a bust. I was a wreck. I didn't answer my phone. I cried all day. Never out of my pajamas. Yelled with big shouty all cap texts to my own mother. I was furious. To be honest I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe some generalities but that's it.

Some have said it was a spiritual warfare situation. Maybe.  I think it was feeling insignificant. That right there could very well be my biggest fear.

Anyway, I have been keeping in touch with my friend daily since Friday and not much has changed over there in hospice. My heart just aches.

She sits watching her flesh and blood fade away. Knowing what is most likely inevitable but still tying to cling on to a slight hope.

I'm not even sure how to end this post.  There are still so many questions yet to be answered.  Perhaps we can all remember this family in our prayers tonight. Send some love and comfort.

Oh, and don't miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them. Please. Please. Don't take life for granted.

It's An Exciting Day, Folks!!!

I (along with some other wonderful, talented writers) have been asked to be a part of the launch of a new blogging project as featured contributors!

We have launched the new site... TODAY...and I have a featured Sonora Webster post up available to check out..Click Here! to check out my very first published post!

Thank you to our fearless leader, Chrsitina C. Yother for launching this beautiful celebration for the underbloggers and inviting us to sit at her funky fresh lunch table of fun.

I am excited, proud and grateful to be among this group of writers.  Please show some love and head over to Project Underblog!

Happy Birthday to My Girlfriend Who is Totally My Boyfriend

Curious how that one works out, huh?

I have this friend.  We are so the Odd Couple and I love it. We could not be more different in so many ways!  but our quirkiness and weird just attracted each other and it stuck.  And I'm so glad it did.

Mrs. Neena has been my strength in messy messy times, my balance in the most unsturdy situations.  My calm. My crazy. My favorite giggle fit partner.  Sometimes I laugh because I think to myself (A sometimes overly lonely single mom )  "My goodness, this girl is so good to me.  She listens, she laughs, she encourages, she corrects...omg, she is so my boyfriend!  my girlfriend is so my boyfriend." I'm so twisted.

Either way.  My friend has strolled in, awkward swagger and all, and added a much needed love boost into my life and I am so grateful.

Today she turns 34 and this is just one example of why she is my favorite.  Yes, I have favorites. Don't judge.

Neena, you are crazy awkward, silly, fun, compassionate, loving, and wonderful. Thank You for being you to little ole me.  I love you.

Captain Underoos Forever!!!

I'll be your Edna, if you'll be my Esther...

Menopause Brain?

I have not visited with y'all (I pretend people actually read this!) lately because to be quite frank... I can't barely put complete sentences together!  Well, ones that make sense anyway!

I shared over a month ago my blog about the joys of entering menopause at age 29. Click here if you missed out on that fun!

It seems that one of my side effects is just a series of brain farts.

Plenty of people asking what's wrong and did they do something to offend me because I seem so distant.  Nope. just me, over here in my blank little hot flashy world. :)  Not paying a lick of attention to you because to tell it to ya straight...I pretty much don't care.  Love ya!

Just kinda busy in my own world.  my own hot, chubby, thoughtless world. :)

Hopefully I find some inspiration. Some wisdom nuggets.  (With my new food obsession now all I want are some nuggets.)

Yeah, mmmm nuggets.

she better not eat my nuggets too...b*tch

Knight In Shining Prius

Last night sucked.

My little boy spiked a fever out if nowhere and it wouldn't quit. I finally got it to stop with Tylenol after quickly approaching 103.2.

I posted in Facebook asking if anyone had experienced such a quick and hard hitting fever.

Within seconds my phone was beeping like the NASA control center at launch time! Texts, comments, private messages, phone calls...I couldn't keep up!

Within 3 minutes my phone is ringing (from Mr. Boy I told you about a while back that I ordered to date another woman....lol...if you missed that blog ya gotta hop back a few and read That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About post. Funny stuff)

He's on the line and before I can say hello he's asking "what do you need and how can I help?" Without so much as a moments hesitation he hopped in his car for a 30+ minute drive to scoop us up and accompany us to the ER.

I swear a little gray Prius has never looked so wonderful. I'm used to making these awful trips alone. This time it would have been trying to carry two sleepy children in the dow pour of rain and maneuver the Emergency Room shenanigans a hot mess!

Ah, but up strolled the Prius and a stand in parent for the night. I was so relieved.

All day today follow up texts, posts, messages poured in checking on my little guy.

I am so thankful for community. So thankful there are people who care beyond just themselves and their needs.

What could have been a terrible, lonely, wet night turned out to be full of ER room laughs, tons of love and warm fuzzies.

Highlight moment: Pulljng away from hospital as goofball Mr. Boy is screaming "I don't feel safe at hoooome! I don't feel safe at hooooome!" (Finding fun in the nurse needing to ask us this question for typical safety protocol) I swear I was dying, waiting to see the flashing lights.

All in all... Good community is rad. Thanks, good folks of my little community. Y'all are good stuff.

A Very Merry UnAnniversary To Me!

So instead of celebrating my would be 8th wedding anniversary I am walking into school trying to piece together a better existence for my little family.

There may have been a time this would have made me sad, reflect on what could have been...but not anymore.

Things were awful. They were from the beginning and only got worse.

Getting up off the ground and pulling myself together enough to take baby steps toward a better future was the best choice I have made in years.

Never in a million years would I want to have children growing up in a broken home. But this life I have created for them is far more whole than anything I could have given them had I not left. We have hope now.

I'm not the type to ever celebrate a divorce. It is tragic in any case. However, I refuse to wallow in grief and resent what I should have or could have had.

I will rejoice in the new life we live. I will be grateful for the lessons I have learned. Embrace the struggles that have made me a deeper more insightful and compassionate woman.

Life doesn't always go according to our plan. But we can choose how we react to those little twists in our path.

The Fricken Facebook Freaks, Man!

Let's face it... we are all somewhat guilty (some of us more than others!) of carefully staging our Facebooks accounts.  You so know what I mean.  Only the stuff that makes us appear happy, whimsical and if goofy, it must be the cute, adorable kind. How often do we say "Aww, look at my muffin top there! I bet so many more people can relate to me now!"  Um, no.

I am admitting I fall into this category as well. I'm faster than the Kenyans in the Olympics when I see that a friend has posted a less than stunning photo of me! Boom! Gone! Holy crap, that makes my heart sink!

Then there are the nights (cough, cough, like this one) where you feel you might combust if you look at one more happy engagement announcement, birth or exotic vacation others proudly plaster across Facebook for all to drool over.  Now, don't get me wrong here, I genuinely enjoy when good things come to others. Especially those I love. But, can we admit sometimes Facebook is just fake and leaves us feeling like everyone else has their poo sooo together that we look like the house of rejects? 

Sometimes I ponder starting a Facebook challenge.  A movement of sorts.  The only problem is I don't think there would be enough people willing to take the risk.

What if you saw a photo of that one person you swear has a picture perfect life completely disheveled and in their natural state.  The real deal. Maybe no make up and perfect poses to accentuate their beauty points and hide any possible flaw.  What if the girl you feel you can't ever measure up to posts about her muffin top!  What if everyone just got real for a day.

Can ya imagine the awesomeness. I picture it a little like this: "Weeeehoooo! I just farted so dang loud and nasty I cleared out the whole house!"  or maybe "I haven't brushed my teeth in a good 4 days."  Maybe a day when all women choose to embrace flaws and post a pic of themselves with no make up. Taking off the masks and allowing some vulnerability and truth.

We are so busy keeping up with one another in all departments, (clothing, beauty, hair tricks, freakin' Pinterest recipes and DIY junk.)  Are we really doing this for our own enjoyment and satisfaction?  Would it still be something you would spend hours on if you couldn't post it to Instagram, Facebook Twitter and your blog for all to see?!

I have always been the pretty girl. ...please, let me finish before writing me off...hold on!  It's all I've really ever been known for or at least noticed for.  So, I have always felt this need to play into others' expectations.  If I wasn't playing up the perfect looks and body than what was I really good for anyway?  Give the people what they want and deem valuable, right?

Well, a lot has changed and I find myself challenged to accept myself in a less than perfect state.  Illness has changed my appearance in many negative ways, taking away what I have found as my worth.  Sure, I can load up the make up and dress very strategically to pull of "I've still got it" but why in the world do I want to be that girl?

I have awful acne scars, I have gained enough weight to earn myself a nice jiggly muffin top of my own and 9x out of 10 I am looking like a complete bum (unless I know someones is looking, of course). 

Perhaps I'm too chicken myself to go through with the challenge, I really don't know. But, I do know I am tired of comparing myself to the seemingly perfect world of Facebook beauty, happiness and freakin' Martha Stewarts.  Seriously?   I mean are these chicks for real?

What I do know...1. I do have much more to offer than the package it is all rolled up into.  And I need to surround myself with those who love me muffin top and all. 2.  I can compare myself to these Facebook showcases or just realize we all have flaws and love my little humble life. 3. Comparison is the thief of joy.  There is no way to be content in your own life if you are constantly comparing what you don't have to what other "seem" to have. 

What are your thoughts? Do you experience this?  Are you willing to admit you feed into the madness? 

Just Sitting In My Granny Panties...

...and a hoodie... On my couch... ...eating tasteless oatmeal... ...and thinking about how sexy I am.

Just thought I'd share that little nugget with you all.  Happy Friday.  You're welcome.

 

 

 

 

Feel That Tug?!

Do you ever have days your heart is so heavy for another person you feel their pain?  What about feeling so heavy for another yet you have no idea why? You just wake up feeling a pull toward them or a curiosity about their well-being. Unexplainable.  Just something deep down in your gut.

This morning is one of those mornings.  A person, so heavy on my heart it hurts.  And I have no idea why.  Just a pull, a pain, a tug toward loving them at that particular moment.

I always try to listen to those tugs.  To call or text that person and tell them you are thinking of them. Or you love them. Or whatever that nagging feeling might be.

Is anyone tugging at you today? Anyone you can bless with a pick me up message?  An "I Love you"?

Beautiful Distractions...

Every now and then I have these days I just want to tuck in my pocket and keep close everywhere I go. Just so I can pull them back out on the tough days and feel their warmth and promise.

Today was an ordinary day.  If anything, could have been set up to be challenging, frustrating or even just kinda bla.

It was a rainy day (admission...kinda love those every now and then) I had a sick little boy home from school Monday and now again for a second day.  This means Mommy missed school too which is much rougher to recover from than his missed work in the 1st grade.

I had a bunch of Math work to catch up on which is the single most stressful event in my life.  I absolutely loathe math.

So, trying to focus and wrap my brain around why some looney toon decided to add letters into math I have a little 6 year old playing Legos next to me.  "Hey Mom, look!  I made a space ship! ...Oh, Mom!  Now it's a boat!"  And on and on with the interruptions...

In that moment I am grateful for the peace I felt.  The happiness I experienced.  I got to spend 2 days of one on one time with my son.  The main man in my life. I got to have him trot alongside trips to the grocery store, the post office, and make car, boat and who knows what kind of sounds as I trudged through my homework.

What a joy.  Sure, any other day I could have easily found this a terribly annoying distraction but not today. I got to make memories.  Let my son know how much I enjoy him and drink it all in.

Life is rough around here and I know someday the hard work will pay off.  I'll look back on these days, proud.  Proud that Mommy demonstrated hard work in trying times. Proud of my children for loving their imperfect Mommy in the most beautiful, pure way.

I am so grateful for this life. 

My Psalm

This was a part of a writing assignment I did this morning in a small group leaders meeting.  Writing your own Psalm to our God.  Given specific outlines to follow you fill in your own thoughts...here is my personal love letter to Christ.

Lord, thank you for your promises
Your grace is unmatchable
Your mercy unfailing
In my life, you are my song at midnight

Your grace is unmatchable
Lord, you are my hope
In my life, you are my song at midnight
You have pulled me out of my wandering and put me on a solid path

Lord, you are my hope
Your mercy is unfailing
You have pulled me out of my wandering and set me on a solid path
Lord, thank you for your promises

I understand we do not all share the same beliefs.  Some may not understand the grace and mercy I have come to depend on in Christ. My prayer for you is that you would open just a sliver of your heart to him and ask him to reveal some of these truths to you. It is truly a "peace that passes all understanding"

Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

My Kitchen is A Complete Wreck...And I Couldn't be Happier.

For the last few days I have been flying around the house prepping it just so.  Tweaking each and every little detail until I felt it was just right.  Cleaning every nook and cranny, wrapping up long lost projects that sat staring at me for months, putting on the perfect soft music and lighting the yummy scented candles. 

And now, it is all a complete mess.  Dishes piled head high in the sink.  Kids playroom thoroughly "played" in.  Cups and plates strewn across the backyard. Dirt tracked through the kitchen. Furniture moved and misplaced.

...And I'm just all smiles.

Last night I hosted a small group/bible study in my home for the first time.  Over the last few weeks I would sit in church listening to the Pastor boast about becoming a small group host and what a blessing it would be.  All I know is that every time the subject came up, this feeling just washed over me. Tugged at my heart.  So, I took baby steps.  Went to an orientation...Asked 1 friend if she would commit to joining (assuming she would be the ONLY friend joining!...sat on my hands a while trying to think of excuses why I shouldn't go through with it...then just jumped in.  Send out tons of invites and decided I was to be obedient and fully immerse myself in this experience.

I got so excited each time someone would RSVP that they were coming.  Could it be that people actually think I can pull this off?!  Oh my.  Pressure.  But it was an exciting pressure.  One that propelled me forward, encouraged me.

As people began to show up my insecurities decided to peek out and make me doubt ...oh goodness, they are going to laugh at how small my house is...I wonder if they realize how slanted the foundation is in here...are they wishing they had chosen a different group? I just decided to knock off the self trash talkin' and welcome each individual with a hug and a smile. 

7 adults and 7 children made their way through my doors last night.  Most people did not know each other prior to our meeting. One of our guests was Deaf and another Hard of Hearing. I was nervous to see how or if everyone could blend.  Would our Deaf guest feel left out?  Would our hearing guests be uncomfortable? Little did I have to worry...God was in this place...and we busted down the language barriers. 

Each and every one of us took our turns laughing, joking, sharing and just enjoying each other.  Connecting.  It was a beautiful sight.  I couldn't believe I almost turned away from this commitment.

At the conclusion of our evening together the dynamic had shifted.  We had officially gelled.  We became a mini community. I was honored to share my home with these new friends.

So, now I am off to (for the first time ever) clean up my mess of a house...with a smile.  This home is built for love.  And love happened here last night.

Small house...Big Heart...Plenty of Room.  Come on in.

Grieving The Loss of Man I'd Never Met RIP, Kelly McKay

Today I had the honor of standing among hundreds of beautiful people who all gathered in their Sundays best to say goodbye to a very special young man.

I was at a memorial service of a man I had never met yet felt so close to.  Kelly McKay was 25 when he passed away this week.  His sister, Dana, and I had classes together last year and bonded over her love and admiration of her courageous, goofy, fun loving big brother.

Kelly had spent most of his life sick.  First cancer at the age of 4.  Another at the age of 7.  A full bone marrow transplant shortly after that. Now early into his twenties and sick again.  Dana would come in to class each day eager to share Kelly's progress with us.  We all learned to adore this guy!  Such an off beat, life loving, fun dude.  Their love was incredibly evident and inspiring.

Today I found myself walking around amongst a sea of unknown faces, all mourning the loss of somebody you just knew was a special individual.  I found myself envious of them in a strange way. Hearing their words and seeing the memorabilia.  I was wishing I had the privilege of knowing this person too!  An odd but beautiful feeling.

I looked at photos of this young boy, smiling from ear to ear, hairless.  Almost every photo Kelly was without hair from the extensive treatments he had learned to live with...with that same ear to ear smile.  I learned Kelly was not the type to live a "poor me" life or wonder why it is all so unfair.  I learned a lot from this man I had never met.  Talk about joy in the midst of struggle.

My heart shattered and I couldn't help the tears that continued to stream down my face.  His mother was being escorted to her front row seat to the most unwanted occasion a mother could ever have to attend.  This is not an occasion you want to be the one in that front row seat.

She passed us, somewhat hunched over sobbing this low groan that you knew came from the tips of her toes.  Calling out "Oh, Kelly!" as she passed our bowed heads. I could hardly contain my pain for her. A mothers ultimate worst nightmare.  The family made it to their seats and shortly after the service was underway.

The people who came up to speak were real.  Honest. Seemed like Kelly had a way of making people feel they were ok to come just as they were. Real. Honest. And that he knew how to love deeply, wholly.  They all spoke and I was gripped.  My heart felt these peoples hurt.

A young man approached the pulpit to speak about his beloved friend.  His first words wrenched my gut.  "It was the first day of 2nd grade in Mrs So and So's class and I walked around the room looking for the desk that had my name across it.  I eagerly looked to see who would be sitting next to me for the rest of the school year.  I glanced and the seat right beside me was this kid, Kelly McKay."  Immediately I pictured my son in his first grade class at school.  Wondering what his life would shape up to be.  Wondering if God would ever require me to live this agony I was experiencing Mrs. McKay experience today.  Or maybe my little boy would grow up to love and care for his sick best friend until death stole them apart.  All of the possibilities and what ifs filled my brain and I was swirling.

My sweet babies. Today, I watched a beautiful woman in the lowest, saddest moment of her life.  Wondering if it just felt surreal to her.  Having her sons body reduced to a box.  Having it placed in her arms as she walks down the aisle at the end of the service sobbing a sob only a mother can feel.  A box.  That is all she is left with.  Her first born.

I will never forget Kelly McKay.  I will never forget today.  Today I learned what a true hero looks like. A silly, beautifully bald, honest, loving young man.  I am forever moved and changed by this families love and commitment.

Thank you McKay family for allowing me to share in the celebration of Kelly's life. He continues to touch peoples hearts even after death.

 

Freakin' Control Freak!

Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning!  With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband.  Um...dude...meet Xanax!

See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney.  After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.

This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.

I admit.  My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply.  I know what this means.  Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.

Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday.  He has figured out I print them all. :)  So, I get a call at 8:30pm.  I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30.  So I let it go.  This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up!  I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast."  The calls keep coming like a crazy person.  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go.  He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!"  To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed"  Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency.  You should provide access to them 24-7"  Um, are we kidding here?

What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6?  you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary.  I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!

Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22.  Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat.  I can hear the whole conversation.  It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.

I admit I still get fearful of him.  What he may be capable of doing or getting away with.  He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between.  That's enough to make me sick!

I am beyond exhausted with this bullying.  I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.

I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting.  (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)

I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him.  To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean! 

I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw.  I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this?  Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?"  It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.

Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome!  A girl can hope, right?!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Check Your Pride At The Poop Scooper!

You've heard the expression "Check your pride at the door," right?  Well, in my case it is "Check your pride at the horse stall."

Financially times have hit rock bottom in our home. I won't go into sobby details because who cares.  It's rough, enough said.

So, lately I have been reaching out to anyone and everyone to try and drum up some additional income. In the past I've even cleaned homes of wealthy friends...literally scrubbing their toilets.  Tell me that wasn't humbling! lol

No matter what I did or who I reached out to, nothing came to be.

Well, today was definitely a first for me.  Now, you country girls and boys will look at me like a joke and I'm cool with that.  But I';m a big city girl, new to all this farm livin' stuff!

Anyway, I found myself mucking stalls and hauling poop across the pasture today for a couple of extra bucks.  I laughed and kept thinking... when my kids grow up and complain about hard work or a job not being good enough for them... oh boy, they are in for some "Back in my day I used to shovel horse crap and scrub rich schmucky toilets! Now get out there and quitchyer yappin!" HA!

Although I may have felt pretty low on the totem pole, I held my head high. An honest dollar.

That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About...

I gotta say...dating sucks.  I am not a fan.  I'd go for stability any day.

With that said, I must drudge through this complicated process if I'd like to make it to that nice, solid stability. Darn it.

I can be rather picky with dating. I do not feel the need to have someone by my side at all times so I can avoid being alone.  I'd rather be alone than waste my time, energy and love on some dude.

Anyway, the good stuff... I met a lovely man a while back and he asked me out a couple of months ago.  We have been dating here and there during that time and I really enjoy him.  Has a lot to offer as a man of integrity, compassion, craves a family, loves the Lord and a complete goofball.  Lots of great stuff in a totally adorable package...which is definitely a cause for a snarky grin. ;-) Yummy.

OK, back on track...focus, lady. Focus. 

A few thing have bothered me over our time together that I couldn't shake.  I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get some answers and figure out how I feel about said answers.  I was mostly uncomfortable with the strong feeling he was still dating other people leaving me to feel slighted and a bit devalued at this point.  He had my full attention, I wanted his.

Over our 4 hours of chit chat I learned a lot. Most of which tugged at my heart and I found myself pulled closer to him, wanting to let myself fall for him.  But that wall I built kept me safely on my side of the table, listening.

Finally, I got what I had come for.  He is very honest and I respect that of him very much.  He explained he is still seeing one other woman and is still trying to figure out what to do at this point. I was grateful for the truth.

 I had a wild thought and asked him "How would you feel if I told you to please pursue the other woman and see that relationship through apart from me? I would like to know that if she is right for you, then she is right for you.  But if you miss me, crave me, like I do you, then end things with her and please come to me with your full attention."  He was shocked. Oddly enough (as men are) I gained his respect and really grabbed his attention with my bold approach. I stood up for my value which I believe is worth someones full attention.  Not to mention my babies I need to guard as well.

He said he would of course not love the idea but would absolutely respect my decision.  I moved the conversation to the next subject and left the little threat wafting through the thick air above out table.  I'm pretty sure he was thrown a bit. I doubt he gets told 'no' very often by women.

We continued our very enjoyable time and we walked all flirty and smiley back to his car.  This whole time my proposition swirling around in my noggin.  Doubting if I am brave enough for that kind of boldness.  Would I regret it?  As we pull into to where my car was parked I forced the words out of my mouth before I could change my mind. "Um, My fear is that I will regret this, however, I feel you need to see things through with the other woman before you and I could continue a relationship."  There. It was out. I said it.  Now his reaction...Eek!

He stayed calm, his face twisted but he was kind and respectful as he said he would be.  He asked if it would be ok that he call and check in on me every once and a while and with knots doubling and tripling in my stomach I stood my ground. Oh I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know he still thought of me and I envisioned seeing his name pop up on my phone and the smile it brings to my face. But, no. I explained it would be more of a tease for me and I needed to focus on my family and school if he needed to pursue another relationship. He agreed with respect.

We were at my car and I made a joke to lighten the mood and show him I still enjoy him.  He took my hand and walked me to my car. Grabbing my waist, pulls me close and says "I'm still kissing you right now."  And all I could mutter was something along the lines of yes, please. Oh I enjoy his kisses. I stumbled to my car and started it up, turning to him one last time. Giving him a sweet kiss and just staring at his sad and confused-trying-to-smile face. He said he would get this figured out, and quickly.  I smiled a gentle smile and said ok. I turned away and off we went.

I felt on top of the world. I knew I'd miss him but I was learning to stand up for myself and demand what I feel I deserve. (This has never been easy for me) I was soaring with pride.  Reiterating to myself...if he doesn't come back then I know he doesn't value me the way I want and deserve to be valued...If he does...oh, boy I'll be stoked! 

I want someone who needs me.  Who craves me. Who would do whatever it took to be sure I was his. I know how I love. Freely, wholly and wildly.  I want to make a man a king. To know in the depths of his soul he is loved, protected and prayed over. I guess I don't have a 'half way' button.  I'm either all in or all out.

Of course today I wondered and doubted my decisions like a dork, but I still believe I made the right call. Adrenaline rush gone and I was searching for my Wonder woman Cape I had been flying with the day before.

It was a tough and scary decision, but I still believe it was the right one.

So, cheers to screwed up dating!

I'm Pretty Sure You Aren't Supposed to Cry Like A Baby While On A Date...

Yesterday was my Birthday. :)  Happy Birthday, me.

I had a date planned with a lovely gentleman I have been dating for a couple of months now.  We sat over a nice, relaxing lunch in Midtown swapping stories, laughing, teasing and carrying on.  He had gotten up and I pulled my cell phone out to soak up all the sweet Birthday wishes via text, Facebook, etc.  I was glowing as he returned and he looked at me like I was a nut.

Quickly my glow turned to what I think must have looked like a look of concern maybe.  He begins to probe "Babe, what is wrong?"  I start to tear up and turn red. "Hun, please, what is going on? Are you ok?" Now I'm fully crying staring at the glow of my screen. I need to get to my tissues in my purse and can't quite get words out. So I just hand him my phone as I wipe my running mascara and watch his face sweep a sweet smile across and hand me my phone back.

See, a few days ago I was in a rough spot. Feeling overwhelmed by my struggles and succumbed to feeling defeated.  I post a blog entry spilling my feelings over this hardship.  Well, apparently, unknowingly to me, someone very special was reading it on the complete opposite side of the country.  Someone I know very little but have come to appreciate very much.

As I sobbed like an idiot over my lunch I read this Facebook message: (I have deleted any names for privacy.

"I have been reading your blogs lately, which are so wonderfully written! I can relate in many ways. I struggled in college with money all the time! My husband and I lived off of Del Taco, I swear! And I was raised by a single mom, so I totally understand the stress that can bring. Being a mom is hard enough, I can't imagine doing it alone. Well, after a TON of hard work, my husband and I are in a place where we can afford to help out others here and there. I logged on to Facebook today and saw it was your birthday, and I think you deserve some pampering. I know you are in Georgia, so I went to yelp and found a fabulous spa and bought you a massage. I am obsessed with massages, I hope you are too! The gift card will be sent to your email and you can print it out and take it to the spa (Please let me know if you have any problems getting it).They have several locations around Georgia so hopefully you can find one close to you. I included enough for gratuity, so you are all set. Have a wonderful birthday...and remember you are a rockstar Mama!!"

I am tearing up all over again as I read it now.

Let me tell you what this did for me...besides hook a mama up with a fancy schmancy massage that I'm super pumped about!  No, it gave me so much more. I was floored that my words, my struggles, my efforts may, just may have touched someones heart.  Someone cared about me enough to feel compassion and take action to someone they barely know. It  gave me hope, encouragement, excitement and an overwhelming humble, grateful heart.

The love and compassion shown through this angel of a woman has lifted my spirits and shown me love that I very much needed.  As a single mom there aren't many people around to pat you on the back and let you know you are doing a good job. Especially when your family is in another state and the other parent is no help and is degrading and awful. It can leave you feeling insignificant and like you are constantly runnin on empty.

All in all I wanted to share this amazing gesture, my gratitude and hope. I will surely be paying this forward the moment my situation allows me to.  I hope this inspires someone to reach out in kindness as this lovely woman did to me. :)

t.h.a.n.k.y.o.u.

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Grateful for the Awesomesauce

I had the most incredible, overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude, fierce love, and humility wash over me just moments ago.  I was doing my normal routine...walking around the house, fixing this, oganizing that before I head off to my last day of school this week.

I quickly found myself standing with trash in one hand, random toys and objects in the other, staring admirably at a little pink and purple plastic purse find with my 5 year olds monies.  Her piggy bank. It overwhelmed me an I froze.

I could see her in that purse.  The way she loves it, carries it around, constantly begging me to count her money she has earned. I just began to sob and wanted to soak in that little cheap plastic purse.  I began to peer from corner to corner in their playroom...talking aloud about all of the little things they obsess over and make them who they are.  The way my somw ill perfectly line up and organize his various "collections" of whateve he may be into at that stage...its beem trains, dinosaurs, cars, more cars, lots of cars, books, whatever.

I stood there paralyzed with a full heart and just mutterd "They love me so much."  This may sound like a weird thing to say but all of the joy and pride that built up inside my heart just overflowed and made me think of how incredible it was that these two perfect little monsters choose to love me. I am so lucky to have them.

I am beyond grateful for these moments.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't truly absord how wonderful these years truly are.  Stress, responsibilities and the thought that our family isn't quite a whole can be sucha distraction at times.  Not today.  I am fully present. Fully aware of the awesomeness that is my life as their Mom.

My not-so-fancy playroom. Oh, but the joy and memories that come from this awesome space.

(Any fellow OCDers feel the need to jump through the computer and straighten the rug like I do?!)

*Side note: I have friends that have not been able to have the blessing to be a Mommy.  My heart breaks for them and I admire the strength and courage they show every day. I write this not to be insenstitive of their struggles but to let them know I do not take this blessing for granted. Nothing hurts more than to hear someone complain of something you would give your life to have.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to share my joy.