It's a New Year. A time for new starts, fresh attitudes and hope is in the air. Well, leave it to me to be sulking in bed scrolling through all of the happy Facebook posts adding my own more "realistic" commentary to what is probably actually going on in their perfect Facebook world.
Dont get me wrong, I think I'm a pretty grateful person for the most part. And in my own defense, I have my fair share of real life struggles that make it easy for someone to lie in bed and enjoy a pity party every now and again.
But then it just hits me sometimes. (And boy am I glad when it does because I can get pretty lame if I go unchecked for a while!)
Thoughts begin to invade my brain and challenge my more dumb approach to life...
"Is this really who I want to be?"
"Do I want to just exist in this life?"
"You know better. Get up."
"Do whatever you can to be love with whatever it is you do have."
"You have a choice."
"You may feel defeated right now. But this is what determines real strength. Endurance."
"So?! What do you choose?!"
At this point I know what needs to be done. I've lived too many years broke, lonely and barely trying to get by...but with absolute true joy and gratitude resounding in my heart and life. I know better.
There is no way to achieve true joy other than to give of yourself. Your love. Your time. When I lose the "others focused" mentality I am left to only think about myself and those in my small little circle. What a dangerous place to be!
Everything begins to revolve around you and your need or desire for happiness. You try to get it any way you can and it ends up sucking the life out of you and anyone near you.
So today I had a little wake up call and decided to give in whatever way I was capable.
I had WAY too much lasagna and desserts left over from the holidays so I started there. Dished up healthy portions into to go containers and wrote notes of joy, silliness and/or encouragement on each.
Next I went through a drawer of hotel toiletries that had just been taking up space and divided out little hygiene care packages.
I knew of a local hang out where the homeless community hung out but it was mostly men and I really wanted to give them some new clothes, especially something to help keep warm. Sooo, my boyfriend grew very curious as to why he was receiving picture texts of his clothing asking how attached he might be to certain items from his closet! He went along with my weirdness without explanation and BAM I had outfits to give!
I grabbed some sodas from the fridge and grocery bags from under the sink...the kitchen was a flurry for a solid 2 hours! I stopped in a local shop who happily gave me take out utensils and napkins to top off my goods.
I wrote funny notes on the bags and off I went to hopefully not make a fool of myself. I prayed with each step that if there were people there when I arrived that God would place just the right ones who needed whatever it was I had to offer.
I determined I wouldn't say much, just smile and be friendly. So to my surprise I saw 4 men hanging out at the spot. (I had 4 bags!) I smiled and casually greeted them and wished them a happy new year. I walked passed and began to leave the bags against the wall without words. They must have read the bags and knew right away what I was doing.
There was a mix of shock, confusion and sweet sweet childlike gratitude as I walked off quietly and left them to look through the items with dignity. The look on one of their faces will stay with me.
I am so grateful for the moments that come and kick me in my stupid butt. The world needs LESS of my selfishness and way more of whatever it is I can give at whatever moment I might be in.
It can be difficult to make the transition from self centered to others centered. We are pretty much programmed to "do what makes you happy!" I say that is the worst piece of advice. Do what makes someone else happy and watch what kind of true joy you will experience in yourself. 
