Grieving The Loss of Man I'd Never Met RIP, Kelly McKay

Today I had the honor of standing among hundreds of beautiful people who all gathered in their Sundays best to say goodbye to a very special young man.

I was at a memorial service of a man I had never met yet felt so close to.  Kelly McKay was 25 when he passed away this week.  His sister, Dana, and I had classes together last year and bonded over her love and admiration of her courageous, goofy, fun loving big brother.

Kelly had spent most of his life sick.  First cancer at the age of 4.  Another at the age of 7.  A full bone marrow transplant shortly after that. Now early into his twenties and sick again.  Dana would come in to class each day eager to share Kelly's progress with us.  We all learned to adore this guy!  Such an off beat, life loving, fun dude.  Their love was incredibly evident and inspiring.

Today I found myself walking around amongst a sea of unknown faces, all mourning the loss of somebody you just knew was a special individual.  I found myself envious of them in a strange way. Hearing their words and seeing the memorabilia.  I was wishing I had the privilege of knowing this person too!  An odd but beautiful feeling.

I looked at photos of this young boy, smiling from ear to ear, hairless.  Almost every photo Kelly was without hair from the extensive treatments he had learned to live with...with that same ear to ear smile.  I learned Kelly was not the type to live a "poor me" life or wonder why it is all so unfair.  I learned a lot from this man I had never met.  Talk about joy in the midst of struggle.

My heart shattered and I couldn't help the tears that continued to stream down my face.  His mother was being escorted to her front row seat to the most unwanted occasion a mother could ever have to attend.  This is not an occasion you want to be the one in that front row seat.

She passed us, somewhat hunched over sobbing this low groan that you knew came from the tips of her toes.  Calling out "Oh, Kelly!" as she passed our bowed heads. I could hardly contain my pain for her. A mothers ultimate worst nightmare.  The family made it to their seats and shortly after the service was underway.

The people who came up to speak were real.  Honest. Seemed like Kelly had a way of making people feel they were ok to come just as they were. Real. Honest. And that he knew how to love deeply, wholly.  They all spoke and I was gripped.  My heart felt these peoples hurt.

A young man approached the pulpit to speak about his beloved friend.  His first words wrenched my gut.  "It was the first day of 2nd grade in Mrs So and So's class and I walked around the room looking for the desk that had my name across it.  I eagerly looked to see who would be sitting next to me for the rest of the school year.  I glanced and the seat right beside me was this kid, Kelly McKay."  Immediately I pictured my son in his first grade class at school.  Wondering what his life would shape up to be.  Wondering if God would ever require me to live this agony I was experiencing Mrs. McKay experience today.  Or maybe my little boy would grow up to love and care for his sick best friend until death stole them apart.  All of the possibilities and what ifs filled my brain and I was swirling.

My sweet babies. Today, I watched a beautiful woman in the lowest, saddest moment of her life.  Wondering if it just felt surreal to her.  Having her sons body reduced to a box.  Having it placed in her arms as she walks down the aisle at the end of the service sobbing a sob only a mother can feel.  A box.  That is all she is left with.  Her first born.

I will never forget Kelly McKay.  I will never forget today.  Today I learned what a true hero looks like. A silly, beautifully bald, honest, loving young man.  I am forever moved and changed by this families love and commitment.

Thank you McKay family for allowing me to share in the celebration of Kelly's life. He continues to touch peoples hearts even after death.

 

Freakin' Control Freak!

Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning!  With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband.  Um...dude...meet Xanax!

See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney.  After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.

This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.

I admit.  My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply.  I know what this means.  Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.

Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday.  He has figured out I print them all. :)  So, I get a call at 8:30pm.  I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30.  So I let it go.  This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up!  I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast."  The calls keep coming like a crazy person.  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go.  He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!"  To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed"  Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency.  You should provide access to them 24-7"  Um, are we kidding here?

What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6?  you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary.  I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!

Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22.  Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat.  I can hear the whole conversation.  It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.

I admit I still get fearful of him.  What he may be capable of doing or getting away with.  He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between.  That's enough to make me sick!

I am beyond exhausted with this bullying.  I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.

I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting.  (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)

I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him.  To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean! 

I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw.  I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this?  Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?"  It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.

Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome!  A girl can hope, right?!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Check Your Pride At The Poop Scooper!

You've heard the expression "Check your pride at the door," right?  Well, in my case it is "Check your pride at the horse stall."

Financially times have hit rock bottom in our home. I won't go into sobby details because who cares.  It's rough, enough said.

So, lately I have been reaching out to anyone and everyone to try and drum up some additional income. In the past I've even cleaned homes of wealthy friends...literally scrubbing their toilets.  Tell me that wasn't humbling! lol

No matter what I did or who I reached out to, nothing came to be.

Well, today was definitely a first for me.  Now, you country girls and boys will look at me like a joke and I'm cool with that.  But I';m a big city girl, new to all this farm livin' stuff!

Anyway, I found myself mucking stalls and hauling poop across the pasture today for a couple of extra bucks.  I laughed and kept thinking... when my kids grow up and complain about hard work or a job not being good enough for them... oh boy, they are in for some "Back in my day I used to shovel horse crap and scrub rich schmucky toilets! Now get out there and quitchyer yappin!" HA!

Although I may have felt pretty low on the totem pole, I held my head high. An honest dollar.

That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About...

I gotta say...dating sucks.  I am not a fan.  I'd go for stability any day.

With that said, I must drudge through this complicated process if I'd like to make it to that nice, solid stability. Darn it.

I can be rather picky with dating. I do not feel the need to have someone by my side at all times so I can avoid being alone.  I'd rather be alone than waste my time, energy and love on some dude.

Anyway, the good stuff... I met a lovely man a while back and he asked me out a couple of months ago.  We have been dating here and there during that time and I really enjoy him.  Has a lot to offer as a man of integrity, compassion, craves a family, loves the Lord and a complete goofball.  Lots of great stuff in a totally adorable package...which is definitely a cause for a snarky grin. ;-) Yummy.

OK, back on track...focus, lady. Focus. 

A few thing have bothered me over our time together that I couldn't shake.  I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get some answers and figure out how I feel about said answers.  I was mostly uncomfortable with the strong feeling he was still dating other people leaving me to feel slighted and a bit devalued at this point.  He had my full attention, I wanted his.

Over our 4 hours of chit chat I learned a lot. Most of which tugged at my heart and I found myself pulled closer to him, wanting to let myself fall for him.  But that wall I built kept me safely on my side of the table, listening.

Finally, I got what I had come for.  He is very honest and I respect that of him very much.  He explained he is still seeing one other woman and is still trying to figure out what to do at this point. I was grateful for the truth.

 I had a wild thought and asked him "How would you feel if I told you to please pursue the other woman and see that relationship through apart from me? I would like to know that if she is right for you, then she is right for you.  But if you miss me, crave me, like I do you, then end things with her and please come to me with your full attention."  He was shocked. Oddly enough (as men are) I gained his respect and really grabbed his attention with my bold approach. I stood up for my value which I believe is worth someones full attention.  Not to mention my babies I need to guard as well.

He said he would of course not love the idea but would absolutely respect my decision.  I moved the conversation to the next subject and left the little threat wafting through the thick air above out table.  I'm pretty sure he was thrown a bit. I doubt he gets told 'no' very often by women.

We continued our very enjoyable time and we walked all flirty and smiley back to his car.  This whole time my proposition swirling around in my noggin.  Doubting if I am brave enough for that kind of boldness.  Would I regret it?  As we pull into to where my car was parked I forced the words out of my mouth before I could change my mind. "Um, My fear is that I will regret this, however, I feel you need to see things through with the other woman before you and I could continue a relationship."  There. It was out. I said it.  Now his reaction...Eek!

He stayed calm, his face twisted but he was kind and respectful as he said he would be.  He asked if it would be ok that he call and check in on me every once and a while and with knots doubling and tripling in my stomach I stood my ground. Oh I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know he still thought of me and I envisioned seeing his name pop up on my phone and the smile it brings to my face. But, no. I explained it would be more of a tease for me and I needed to focus on my family and school if he needed to pursue another relationship. He agreed with respect.

We were at my car and I made a joke to lighten the mood and show him I still enjoy him.  He took my hand and walked me to my car. Grabbing my waist, pulls me close and says "I'm still kissing you right now."  And all I could mutter was something along the lines of yes, please. Oh I enjoy his kisses. I stumbled to my car and started it up, turning to him one last time. Giving him a sweet kiss and just staring at his sad and confused-trying-to-smile face. He said he would get this figured out, and quickly.  I smiled a gentle smile and said ok. I turned away and off we went.

I felt on top of the world. I knew I'd miss him but I was learning to stand up for myself and demand what I feel I deserve. (This has never been easy for me) I was soaring with pride.  Reiterating to myself...if he doesn't come back then I know he doesn't value me the way I want and deserve to be valued...If he does...oh, boy I'll be stoked! 

I want someone who needs me.  Who craves me. Who would do whatever it took to be sure I was his. I know how I love. Freely, wholly and wildly.  I want to make a man a king. To know in the depths of his soul he is loved, protected and prayed over. I guess I don't have a 'half way' button.  I'm either all in or all out.

Of course today I wondered and doubted my decisions like a dork, but I still believe I made the right call. Adrenaline rush gone and I was searching for my Wonder woman Cape I had been flying with the day before.

It was a tough and scary decision, but I still believe it was the right one.

So, cheers to screwed up dating!

I'm Pretty Sure You Aren't Supposed to Cry Like A Baby While On A Date...

Yesterday was my Birthday. :)  Happy Birthday, me.

I had a date planned with a lovely gentleman I have been dating for a couple of months now.  We sat over a nice, relaxing lunch in Midtown swapping stories, laughing, teasing and carrying on.  He had gotten up and I pulled my cell phone out to soak up all the sweet Birthday wishes via text, Facebook, etc.  I was glowing as he returned and he looked at me like I was a nut.

Quickly my glow turned to what I think must have looked like a look of concern maybe.  He begins to probe "Babe, what is wrong?"  I start to tear up and turn red. "Hun, please, what is going on? Are you ok?" Now I'm fully crying staring at the glow of my screen. I need to get to my tissues in my purse and can't quite get words out. So I just hand him my phone as I wipe my running mascara and watch his face sweep a sweet smile across and hand me my phone back.

See, a few days ago I was in a rough spot. Feeling overwhelmed by my struggles and succumbed to feeling defeated.  I post a blog entry spilling my feelings over this hardship.  Well, apparently, unknowingly to me, someone very special was reading it on the complete opposite side of the country.  Someone I know very little but have come to appreciate very much.

As I sobbed like an idiot over my lunch I read this Facebook message: (I have deleted any names for privacy.

"I have been reading your blogs lately, which are so wonderfully written! I can relate in many ways. I struggled in college with money all the time! My husband and I lived off of Del Taco, I swear! And I was raised by a single mom, so I totally understand the stress that can bring. Being a mom is hard enough, I can't imagine doing it alone. Well, after a TON of hard work, my husband and I are in a place where we can afford to help out others here and there. I logged on to Facebook today and saw it was your birthday, and I think you deserve some pampering. I know you are in Georgia, so I went to yelp and found a fabulous spa and bought you a massage. I am obsessed with massages, I hope you are too! The gift card will be sent to your email and you can print it out and take it to the spa (Please let me know if you have any problems getting it).They have several locations around Georgia so hopefully you can find one close to you. I included enough for gratuity, so you are all set. Have a wonderful birthday...and remember you are a rockstar Mama!!"

I am tearing up all over again as I read it now.

Let me tell you what this did for me...besides hook a mama up with a fancy schmancy massage that I'm super pumped about!  No, it gave me so much more. I was floored that my words, my struggles, my efforts may, just may have touched someones heart.  Someone cared about me enough to feel compassion and take action to someone they barely know. It  gave me hope, encouragement, excitement and an overwhelming humble, grateful heart.

The love and compassion shown through this angel of a woman has lifted my spirits and shown me love that I very much needed.  As a single mom there aren't many people around to pat you on the back and let you know you are doing a good job. Especially when your family is in another state and the other parent is no help and is degrading and awful. It can leave you feeling insignificant and like you are constantly runnin on empty.

All in all I wanted to share this amazing gesture, my gratitude and hope. I will surely be paying this forward the moment my situation allows me to.  I hope this inspires someone to reach out in kindness as this lovely woman did to me. :)

t.h.a.n.k.y.o.u.

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Grateful for the Awesomesauce

I had the most incredible, overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude, fierce love, and humility wash over me just moments ago.  I was doing my normal routine...walking around the house, fixing this, oganizing that before I head off to my last day of school this week.

I quickly found myself standing with trash in one hand, random toys and objects in the other, staring admirably at a little pink and purple plastic purse find with my 5 year olds monies.  Her piggy bank. It overwhelmed me an I froze.

I could see her in that purse.  The way she loves it, carries it around, constantly begging me to count her money she has earned. I just began to sob and wanted to soak in that little cheap plastic purse.  I began to peer from corner to corner in their playroom...talking aloud about all of the little things they obsess over and make them who they are.  The way my somw ill perfectly line up and organize his various "collections" of whateve he may be into at that stage...its beem trains, dinosaurs, cars, more cars, lots of cars, books, whatever.

I stood there paralyzed with a full heart and just mutterd "They love me so much."  This may sound like a weird thing to say but all of the joy and pride that built up inside my heart just overflowed and made me think of how incredible it was that these two perfect little monsters choose to love me. I am so lucky to have them.

I am beyond grateful for these moments.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't truly absord how wonderful these years truly are.  Stress, responsibilities and the thought that our family isn't quite a whole can be sucha distraction at times.  Not today.  I am fully present. Fully aware of the awesomeness that is my life as their Mom.

My not-so-fancy playroom. Oh, but the joy and memories that come from this awesome space.

(Any fellow OCDers feel the need to jump through the computer and straighten the rug like I do?!)

*Side note: I have friends that have not been able to have the blessing to be a Mommy.  My heart breaks for them and I admire the strength and courage they show every day. I write this not to be insenstitive of their struggles but to let them know I do not take this blessing for granted. Nothing hurts more than to hear someone complain of something you would give your life to have.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to share my joy.

Day 4 And Hallelujah No Hot Flashes!

It is Day 4 of entering my induced menopause.  (Still sounds so gross to say)  Although I did almost chew my kids' heads completely off today I think it was normal stress of being sick, first day of my school and a ton of junk combined...oh, and the uber whiney kids.  :-/

I'm happy to report that so far all I have experienced is some sleepinees, little bit of lower back pain and that's pretty much it!  I am hoping this will be the "new normal" while on this little journey.

I was so nervous to start my 2nd year of "non-traditional" college status and the beginning of an intense interpreting program while entering menopause! Can you imagine that recipe for disaster?!   Phew! So far, so good.

This is my "Smile for mommy, it's your first day of school!" pic! LOL  All I needed was someone to pack me my little brown lunchbag and a lovenote on my napkin!

Happy 29th Birthday, You're Menopausal! Whaaat?!!!

I never thought that for my 29th Birthday I'd be given the gift of Menopause.

For about a year I have been struggling with seemingly random health junk.  Nothing life threatening but sucky crap.

Here is some of the list of fun: (Not for the weak tummy friends! It's about to get sexy up in here)
-Severe Acne
-Skin Discoloration
-High Blood Pressure
-Rapid Weight Gain
-Abdominal Pain
-Non Stop Bleeding/Inability to have regular cycle
-Frequent Urination (Like 3-4x per night!)
-Severe Constipation (yummy, right)
-Inability to conceive naturally (this I learned after diagnosis)

These are just the more substantial issues I have been dealing with this lovely 28th year of life.  After consulting a few doctors I finally found answers.  I have a bad case of Endometriosis as well as Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

This meant up to 16+ pills daily and surgery to alleviate pain.  I have awful scarring across my whole face from the painful battles with acne. My once bright and bouncy skin is now ravaged, wrinkled up and dry because of all of the harsh creams. It ain't cute.

I feel like these issues have taken over and I'm left a mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointmet to be injected with the medication Lupron.  This will put me into a menopausal state for 6 months.  You realize what this means right?  Hot Flashes. Mood Swings. Batcrap Crazy!  There is a pill called Norethin Ace you are supposed to take daily to reduce side effects but I just feel I am in for an awful experience. (Should be AWESOME for the new relationship in my life. He is going to run for the hills!!!)

The idea is that my internal organs cannot heal as long as I continue to have a cycle.  Everything will be shut down for 6 months to give it time to get healthy again.

I have been researching reviews about experiences with Lupron and it is horrifying some of the things I read. Although there are some positive reviews, the awful ones are just disturbing and seem to appear more frequently.

I am scared.  I feel this is something I need to do though.

Any bit of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I am alone up here and quietly wish I had someone to drag along with me tomorrow.  Even as I write that it brings tears to my eyes.  I am just so afraid of screwing my body up even more.  It has been so difficult this last year to deal with all of this unpleasant, gross and embarassing crap. Don't even get me started on what it does to your confidence as a single-trying-to-date mom. :-/

Menopause...here I come.

Crock Pots & PTA, Y'all!

Today I attended a "Room Mom" meeting at kids' school, accepted a position as PTA Chair for Corporate Sponsor Donations, went grocery shopping, got way too much excitement over organizing the food pantry and especially the spices, found a new healthy recipe, got the crock pot out, scheduled kid dental appointments, cleaned the house and fed the horses, said prayers and read devotions...then just giggled in the quiet... So funny how we make these transitions in life without even noticing. One day you wake up and it's all Crock Pots and PTA. *Sigh* I ♥ this life.

Run Like a Horse! ...Well, maybe a lame horse...but still.

No, seriously, I ran in circles around one of our horse pastures! lol  Today I ran like the lamest horse you've ever seen. I HATE to run. I don't find it exhilirating, freeing, or energizing...it sucks. But I need to find a way to incorporate free exercise... Drumroll please...

Today was Day 2 of the Couch to 5K App (Don't worry Neena, I will still be lame when you are able to join!) I have to say I love this program so far.

I picked a pasture that had a little path mowed along the perimeter and called it my training facility.  It's a smaller circle than the huge mile tracks at the schools.  This way I feel like I hit smaller milestones more often with each lap.

Couch to 5K takes a gimpy sitting duck like me and training you slowly yet steadily at a pace where you feel the push but don't think you are going to die!  You can even choose a sweet natured trainer voice, a tough straight forward trainer voice or a drill sargent!  It links to your itunes and so you can jam to your own tunes too. Perfect combo for me.  And consiering I am out in the back of a pasture somewhere I get to sing along like a big fat dork!

I have to admit..I'm a bit excited to watch my running log on the app to see my progress.  I have always wanted to run a 5K.  Let's see if I found the right tool to get me there.

Any running tips to share?  I know I Run For Wine has a great blog to follow.

They actually got put to use!  All dirty and everything! lol  So proud.

Home.

Last night I made the 2 hour drive to drop the kids off with their dad for his 1 night every two weeks with the kids.  Don't get me started.

So, recently both their father and I had found ourselves moving into new homes just one weekend apart so the kids had a lot of adjustments going on. Their dad is remarried to his third wife.  I was number 2.  The kids seem to be ok with their stepmother so I am very glad for that.

Unfortunately he has ever had much involvement with the kids. Other than his court ordered child support and 2 nights a month (and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a month) that's it. Your typically "fun dad" who has no rules and sends them home exhausted, hungry and filthy.

The kids are not 5 and 7 and starting to understand the difference in roles between their parents. My son, the 7 year old has for about a year now expressed grief over having to go to his fathers.  And now the little one is beginning the same pattern. 

Although when we moved it was to someone elses 40 acre horse farm (woo hoo) our home was going to be quite an adjustment. Maybe 900sf, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom built in the 1950s and some parts definitely scream "I am 60+ years old!" None of the doors shut properly, the foundation slants terribly, unusually low ceilings, the whole dang house is just wonky.  Oh, and the ants. We lost a whole pantry to the ants. But it save me a few hundred dollars a month and I was praying the lifestyle would redeem the step down we were making home-wise.

Well, you can imagine my surprise (and embarrassed to admit, horror) when I learned dad's new house was also farmlike...except... Daddy's new place was 5,600sf, 6 private acres with 2 lakes and a new SUV purchased just for off road adventures. Oh and "Kids! We are going to let you pick out your own farm animals and build all kinds of awesome chicken coups and treehouses!" -Insert dejected mom face here-

I need to be shamefully honest here. I was scared. I was scared that all dad's bells and whisles would make my kids want to live at Daddy's, to be less grateful for what I had worked so hard at providing and to flat out leave Mommy and my wonky house in the dust. My insecurities started screaming. "You can't compete with that!" "It is going to be 'Mommy who?!'"  "You aren't worth enough for them to want to stay with you when they could have all of that."

Now, anyone who knows me at all knows I am not defined by things. Things don't impress me much to tell ya the truth.  I know people quite well who have lots and lots of fancy things.  And more times than not they are still searching for that something to complete them.  I'm not searching. I feel whole in my heart and no amount of money can buy that.

However, these are children.  Children are so impressionable and easy to sway with "things."  I was worried Mommy's unending love and full heart just wouldn't be enough.

Last night I drove the kids to their Dads. As usual the pleading began for me to call their dad and ask if they could just not come this time. (Yeah, that would go over like a fart in church) I knew I had to take them and there was no way out so I try my best to ease their fears and put their hearts in a comfier frame of mind.

My son said something in all of his sad pleading that hit me. He said "Mom, I just don't like Dad's house. I just want to be with you. Please!"  I had this weird mixture of sadness and curiosity.  So I inquired... He says to me "Dad's house is just too big mommy. I don't feel comfortable there. I just want to be home with you."  Home. 

Home.  I was stunned. Shocked. Ashamed to admit somewhat happy. My baby just wanted Home. It did not matter one bit about the goofy tiny house we now called home.  Mommy was home.  And it didn't matter what the 4 walls that contained us looked like.

While sharing some of these thoughts, a friend challenged my thinking... "Well, it isn't a competition, right?"  No. It isn't.  I don't need to live extravagantly and I don't need my children to value me more than their father.  I pray someday their father will become the man that they deserve in this life. I can only say that when you love how Mommys love and sacrifice how Single Mommys sacrifice, protect like a Mama Bear (even when sometimes the protecting is from the hurt left from their own father) you are going to experience some helplessness and fear that your whole world could be swept away by something like this.

The person who says they have no insecurities is a person full of poo.  Simple as that.  When you allow yourself to invest in love like this, it is as scary as crap. 

It hurts me to my core to know my son has fear of his father and both of my children experience insecurity and grief when it is time to visit. The tearful phone calls. The pleading to come and get them. But I am comforted to know that I must be doing something right.

Aunt Funpants!

Some times it is just so much fun to embrace the fun aunt role! Yes to jumping on beds, yeah sure you can have that sugary drink, go ahead and see if you can make it across the gap of the beds! Ha.

Sometimes goofing off is the magical happy pill.

Freeze dance on the hotel beds! Girls totally won!

"I'm Batman!"

Yesterday I had the honor of hearing a rather personal heartbreaking admission from a very dear friend. We will call her Janie.

Janie was sitting across from me as girlfriends do all curled up on opposite ends of the couch as we swapped silly stories and the latest details of our lives.  Janie is always chipper, sweet and so upbeat at times you could just smack her.  And I love it.

Somehow the topic of sex and wives roles in the marriage came up and I watched the always smiley face turn and twist in ways I had not seen before.  Concerned I began to inquire more. Janie seemed unsure of what she was about to say but I am so glad she trusted our friendship to proceed to share. (We will call her hubby Jack!) "Well, Jack and I are kinda maybe once every 6 weeks or so kinda people.  And when we do do it I just have such a hard time and hope it's over quick.  Is that bad?"  I tried to hold my surprise but I'm not sure I did such a great job.

Janie began to tell me about her struggles to want to please her husband.  She is an amazing wife and they have the kind of relationship I hope to have someday. Jack is patient, hard working and quick as a whip with the jokes. They are a lovely couple.  But secretly Janie was dealing with some unfortunate aftermath of a hysterectomy at a young age and side effects from some medications making her sex drive just take a dive.

I saw the pain and embarrassment in her eyes and I knew what she was feeling.  I had been through a similar experience in life and it is nothing short of awful.  We began to peel back the onion and get to some really good stuff.   I tried my best to encourage her to a "sex plan" that I believed would light the fire and help out a bit.

That evening she sat down with Jack and laid out her plan.  "Jack, I have decided that I value you and our marriage and although I have tried just about every potion, trick and stimulant to get our sex life going I am not giving up.  I have a plan.  I want to make it a point to have sex twice a week for a month and see how things go. I want this to be a proirity but I will need a few things from you to help this to be a success."  She began to clue him in on a few things she knew she enjoyed and would like to stay away from to help her feel more comfortable.  He was beyond happy to comly.  They were now a team. A team working together to bring a wholeness and new level of intimacy between them.

Well, I went over to visit with Janie this morning and I walked in to a giddy woman dancing around the kitchen to Katy Perry, bopping like a teenager who just got asked out by her dream crush.  It was the cutest thing ever.  She couldn't wait to gush about how great she felt and how Jack was so happy this morning.  She says with a little smirk...he even got out of the shower all frisky today, wore his towel as a cape and exclaimed 'I'm Batman!!!' Oh it was so cute"

I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. Here was this beautiful woman, fantastic mother beaming with joy. Her efforts to love her husband had paid off in ways I don't think she even expected. It is such an amazing and wonderful power we have to love and care for our husbands. I was inspired by her openness, bravery and determination to serve her husband and heal a broken spot in their marriage.

Women, we are called to love and care for our husbands.  What an honor! I can't think of a better charge. I think we are quick to forget or perhaps don't ever truly understand the power ew hold over our men. This can be used for good or harm. We have the power to heal a broken heart with uplifting words and encouragement.  However, we also have the power to tear down a good man and reduce him to dust. Our men need our love and support.  What Janie did for her husband speaks volumes to him, his worth and I garauntee you she will get that kitchen painted whenever she wanted without a fuss!  Our men need our reinforcement. It is a daily choice on our part how we treat them, the words we speak to them and the tone in which we use.

So Ladies, If he is Batman, than we are Catwomen! Now meow little kitties and use your powers for good!

Dating. What the?!

I admit.  Back in "my day" I was pretty good at snaggin' dates, being flirty and having a great time. But my goodness, the dating game has changed! I have been divorced a little over 4 years now and I've come to the conclusion that ... I am clueless about how this all works!

I'd like to know the "rules" of dating these days. Or at least your take on them.

I'm finding myself going back and forth about how I feel regarding dating more than one person at a time thing.  I tend to favor only dating one person at a time.  It is just too hard to keep all of the info, names and details straight! I feel if you believe someone is worth your time you should give them your full attention to give it a fair go. This way you know quicker if your wasting your time and truly gave yourself in full. If it doesn't work out then you know you gave it your all and you move on!  No?

And then how do you feel about the other person dating more than just you?  Technically they aren'y your boyfriend yet so they can do what they want...but what about someone feeling like you are enough to see through one way or another?  Am I too old fashioned?

Dating as an adult...and especially an adult with 2 children?  Insert crazy, confused look on my face!

Help!

Big Fat Scary Step of Faith...or Stupidity?

A few months ago I found out that my 2 kids and I were going to need to move out of our comfy little home where we dwelled in the lovely, cushy bubble of suburbia complete with close together matching houses and the only home we have known here living in Georgia.  I felt like my world was falling apart and to be quite honest, I had flashes of the future with my poor little family homeless and begging. (ok, so I knew it would go THAT far but I was pretty scared)

We don't have much extra income (or really any) so I was nervous how I was going to swing moving costs, deposits, a truck and even people to help! My family is all in a different state and I don't have much help around here in that respect.

Anyway, I had a minor (somewhat major, but who's counting) breakdown until I decided I had to find peace and kick this problems rear end like I knew I could do.  I started the dreaded house hunting process and everything I found was wayyyy off from what we wanted and were accustomed to. I was fighting discouragement in a bad way.  I just kept telling myself that we were going to be just fine.  We always were. But that sneaky voice kept haunting me with 'yeah but this time you are in over your head, lady.' But I just kept kicking it out.

I searching Craigslist every evening when the kids went to bed. Each night, nothing.  Until one night... it was a Thursday and I had come to know each new postting by sight since I check so frequently.  Well, that Thursday night I saw one new post...it read... "Farm House"  Hmmm... It was just enough to grab my curiosity.  I clicked thinking it would just be something to look at.

I fell in love.

This cute little red house that sat on 40 acres of...wait for it...a horse ranch. What you may not know is that I have a little 5 year old daughter who has a passion for growing up to become a horse trainer.  I thought it would be a fleeting phase but it has stuck since about 18 months and only gets stronger!

My thoughts went immediately to her and what a blessing this could be. I knew riding lessons were going to be too costly for me but this...this could be a crazy, wild fun adventure.  I thought all the searching must have drivin me to insanity becasue I was emailing a man about living on a farm.  (Did I mention I grew up in Orange County, California...yeah...not exactly a farm kind of girl! ...or so I thought)

Anyway, we set up an appointment and the guy was very straight foreward that he had a ton of interest and he was looking for a specific type of family.  (I put on my charm...insert little wink here!) Before you knew it...we had a deal and I was handing him a check!

VERY quickly all I could think about was holyyyyy crap WHAT did I just do?! A farm.  Living on a farm. Oh, self, you have really done it this time!  But truth is, I sort of craved the idea of my kids learning hard work and becoming independent and not afraid to get a little dirty and muck a stall full of poop! (There are plenty of kids I wish I could force to do this with!)

Well, God showed up and provided.  A chain went through my church that there was a single mom in need of help on that coming Saturday...oh yeah...it was a record high of 107 degrees that day. I thought for no one would be crazy enough to sacrifice their Saturday to come help a stranger move on a record setting day of heat!  I was wrong...

Most all of these people I had never me until they showed up with tools and a smile to help me move.

A steady train of strangers and friends coming and going constantly with gracious hearts.

And then I found this... the only item left in the home from the previous owner.  A fortune that read: "Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones." I finally took a deep breath and smiled.

Being a single parent comes with a great deal of pressure if you are trying to be a good one! Where will I choose to raise my family. Is this the right school to form my childrens futures? Is this the right neighborhood for them to flourish? Or in my case... Should I move us all to a farm and pray for the best?!

We have been in our new farm house for about a month and a half now.  School just started and I was still looking for some kind of confirmation that I wasn't dragging my kids off on some nutso adventure that I would end up regretting badly.  Well, this week I got my confirmation.

I watched as my kids ran back and forth with excitement to get carrots to feed all of the horses who know them now and come to eagerly to the sound of their tiny voices. Knowing treat are to come! Waiting on the bus I saw what I had been hoping for. It was working. They were loving this new life and soaking up every bit of what I secretly wished for.  Joy. Love. Compassion. Playing outdoors. Taking care of the animals. Bonding. Nature hikes.  It was working. I had done it.  They both have expressed to me this week that mama made a great choice for our new home. *Sigh*

This is our bus stop in the front yard. Both kids with backpacks feeding horrses while waiting to go to school. Memories that will shape them and leave lasting imprints. <3

Nature scavenger hunts with a cutie I've been dating. (maybe more to come on that one at another time!) Boys vs Girls...

Boys won. Of course. Turds.

This has no part to this story whatsoever. It just melts my heart. :-D

I guess I shared this to vent, to encourage, the be appreciative, to give hope.  Something I thought was life-ruining turned out to be one of the biggest, fattest, scariest decisions...that was nothing short of incredible.

So, feel free to come and visit...just bring a bag of carrots!





Parking Lot Blues

I'm sitting here in the parking lot fighting tears. Not wanted to pull away because they'll be farther from my love, my hugs, my "it's going to be ok's".

My babies just started Kindergarten and 1st grade. I'm normally the tough mommy who doesn't cry and thinks the other mommies are just softies! Well, I get it now.

Both are grown. No more daycares and diapers. No more toddler rooms or baby side of the church nursery. We are independently riding school busses and doing everything all by themselves!

Although I am sad and secretly wish they still needed me in the same way they used to, I am so proud of how strong and capable they have grown to be.

So I'll sit here like a big dummy blogging from my cell phone because I can't pull away. Not just yet.

I am so incredibly grateful for these 2 sweet children I have the honor of raising. It is an overwhelming task at times but by far my greatest. I look forward to each new first day of school, new friend, milestones, and everything else this crazy life can throw at me. I can't even put into words how blessed I feel right now.

*sigh*

Ok...it's time. I've spent all morning encouraging my little ones to be big kids and be brave! Now I need to take my own advice and put the big girl panties on! Thanks for listening and going through this growth moment with me!

Off I go! (slowly...)

Ok, for real now... I'm seriously going.

For real.

Now.

Ok, NOW!

Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

(bitter)Sweet Success

Yesterday was a life changing day for me.  I decided to go back to school at the age of 28 to give a shot at bettering my little families future.  I would study my passion, American Sign Language to become an ASL Interpreter. 

My first year was challenging as a "Non-Traditional" college student but I made it through all of the prerequisites for taking the dreaded, very much rumored about "Interview" process into "The Program."  The Program was talked about like gold in our classrooms.  One day we would all face our fears and see if we measured up to the standard of THE PROGRAM.  You see, if you make it passed your interview and get accepted, you are on an intense schooling journey toward your career goal in our field.

July 31 at 3:20pm.  I was scheduled to see if I could hang with the big kids.  I felt calm and cool but secretly thought I'd get cut for some random fatal mistake or something dumb.  We wouldn't know our fate for up to possibly a week until we would get the "congratulations" email or the "We regret to inform you" bit. I was fighting nerves.

I did the little dance and performed like a trained monkey, I wanted this so badly. I would have stood on my head had they asked.  This was my hope, our future. Our chance at a better life.  I left feeling fairly confident but petrified at the same time.  What's done was done and know it was in their hands.

I prayed that God would clear the path for me if it was meant to be and take my worry and help me find peace.  Funny enough, it worked!  I put the anxiety behind me and pulled up the big girl panties.

So, of course, I was checking my email contantly eventhough I was positive they would make me wait until the last minute of the week deadline.  Well, to my surprise...It was in my inbox.  Today.  Merely 24 hours after my interview.  My heart literally started pounding out of my chest.  My body got hot and flushed and I thought I was going to cry.

And there it was...Congratulations!!! I was in!  I had done it! My kids were on the floor watching tv as my life changed forever. They were clueless as to what this meant for us and I was just sitting there about to explode in happy tears!  i picked up the phone and called my mom instantly. I needed to feel supported. I needed someone to care. I needed to matter.  Of course, mom was amazing. She giggled when I giggled and ohhhhhhed and ahhhhhhed all at the appropriate times.  My mom is wonderful like that.  I immediately climbed on Facebook and announced it to the world waiting for all of the kind words to flood my soul.  They did and it was so satisfying.

But then a few minutes go by and I'm feeling the excitement wear down a bit and a little sadness creep in.  I was walking around my house just lonely.  This was one of those moments where being a single mom (or just single, I guess) sucks. From the bottom of my soul I wanted someone to look at me, proud and throw their arms around me to celebrate.  Maybe even a nice dinner to make it special. But none of that happened. The day went on with sibling fights, trash needing to be taken out, dinner to be served and so on. I put the kids to bed and just fought the feeling of emptiness. Sometimes a wonderful event loses it's sparkle without someone to share it with.

I always end up giving myself the pep talk that convinces myself I'm just fine. It goes something like this... "You don't NEED someone, self.  You're ok.  One day when someone is there you will appreciate all the better!  Just let your pride in yourself be enough for right now and keep plugging along.  One day at a time and kick some booty while doing it!!!"

As much as I believe this is good advice and will follow it soon...right now it just sucks. I'm just not there yet. Maybe tomorrow will be a new mercy and I will tackle the blues and move on.  But, for tonight it's a sad face and pity party of 1.