With that said, I must drudge through this complicated process if I'd like to make it to that nice, solid stability. Darn it.
I can be rather picky with dating. I do not feel the need to have someone by my side at all times so I can avoid being alone. I'd rather be alone than waste my time, energy and love on some dude.
Anyway, the good stuff... I met a lovely man a while back and he asked me out a couple of months ago. We have been dating here and there during that time and I really enjoy him. Has a lot to offer as a man of integrity, compassion, craves a family, loves the Lord and a complete goofball. Lots of great stuff in a totally adorable package...which is definitely a cause for a snarky grin. ;-) Yummy.
OK, back on track...focus, lady. Focus.
A few thing have bothered me over our time together that I couldn't shake. I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get some answers and figure out how I feel about said answers. I was mostly uncomfortable with the strong feeling he was still dating other people leaving me to feel slighted and a bit devalued at this point. He had my full attention, I wanted his.
Over our 4 hours of chit chat I learned a lot. Most of which tugged at my heart and I found myself pulled closer to him, wanting to let myself fall for him. But that wall I built kept me safely on my side of the table, listening.
Finally, I got what I had come for. He is very honest and I respect that of him very much. He explained he is still seeing one other woman and is still trying to figure out what to do at this point. I was grateful for the truth.
I had a wild thought and asked him "How would you feel if I told you to please pursue the other woman and see that relationship through apart from me? I would like to know that if she is right for you, then she is right for you. But if you miss me, crave me, like I do you, then end things with her and please come to me with your full attention." He was shocked. Oddly enough (as men are) I gained his respect and really grabbed his attention with my bold approach. I stood up for my value which I believe is worth someones full attention. Not to mention my babies I need to guard as well.
He said he would of course not love the idea but would absolutely respect my decision. I moved the conversation to the next subject and left the little threat wafting through the thick air above out table. I'm pretty sure he was thrown a bit. I doubt he gets told 'no' very often by women.
We continued our very enjoyable time and we walked all flirty and smiley back to his car. This whole time my proposition swirling around in my noggin. Doubting if I am brave enough for that kind of boldness. Would I regret it? As we pull into to where my car was parked I forced the words out of my mouth before I could change my mind. "Um, My fear is that I will regret this, however, I feel you need to see things through with the other woman before you and I could continue a relationship." There. It was out. I said it. Now his reaction...Eek!
He stayed calm, his face twisted but he was kind and respectful as he said he would be. He asked if it would be ok that he call and check in on me every once and a while and with knots doubling and tripling in my stomach I stood my ground. Oh I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know he still thought of me and I envisioned seeing his name pop up on my phone and the smile it brings to my face. But, no. I explained it would be more of a tease for me and I needed to focus on my family and school if he needed to pursue another relationship. He agreed with respect.
We were at my car and I made a joke to lighten the mood and show him I still enjoy him. He took my hand and walked me to my car. Grabbing my waist, pulls me close and says "I'm still kissing you right now." And all I could mutter was something along the lines of yes, please. Oh I enjoy his kisses. I stumbled to my car and started it up, turning to him one last time. Giving him a sweet kiss and just staring at his sad and confused-trying-to-smile face. He said he would get this figured out, and quickly. I smiled a gentle smile and said ok. I turned away and off we went.
I felt on top of the world. I knew I'd miss him but I was learning to stand up for myself and demand what I feel I deserve. (This has never been easy for me) I was soaring with pride. Reiterating to myself...if he doesn't come back then I know he doesn't value me the way I want and deserve to be valued...If he does...oh, boy I'll be stoked!
I want someone who needs me. Who craves me. Who would do whatever it took to be sure I was his. I know how I love. Freely, wholly and wildly. I want to make a man a king. To know in the depths of his soul he is loved, protected and prayed over. I guess I don't have a 'half way' button. I'm either all in or all out.
Of course today I wondered and doubted my decisions like a dork, but I still believe I made the right call. Adrenaline rush gone and I was searching for my Wonder woman Cape I had been flying with the day before.
It was a tough and scary decision, but I still believe it was the right one.
So, cheers to screwed up dating!
