Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

The Hurt That Settles In And Stays A While...

Have you ever heard someone say something like this... "Ok, so it was just emotional abuse.  He didn't lay a hand on you, did he?!  Cause if he did...!!!"  I cringe when I hear statements like this.  It actually sends creepy chills down my spine.  Let me explain...

So often we are too quick to dismiss the damage and scars left from mental and emotional abuse. We see the bruises from the physical so yes, it is shocking.  But bruises and wounds heal. The true trauma of even a physically abused women is what it does to her mental and emotional state.  The fear, anxiety, anticipation of the next blow...this is what lingers and hinders her from living a healthy, normal life post abuse.

I have never been hit by a man and I will not even attempt to say that I understand this feeling.  My best friend from childhood has been beaten so badly we thought she would not make it on several occasions. Still to this day she bears awful scars across her face and body from countless attacks from her boyfriend.  Me, on the other hand, I was married to an incredibly deceitful and mentally abusive man who came close to stealing every last bit of who I was and what I had to offer. I was a shell of a human.

I sat on one side of a glass jail visitation booth and picked up the grungy phone to hear the voice of my best friend who had made a few wrong turns in her life. We sat for an hour trading stories and filling each other in on the ups and downs of the past few years.

As we continued to share there was one common thread we kept coming to, each time shaking our heads in agreement and connecting through our pain. The lingering fears of the mental abuse.

After several years of cowering, apologizing and trying to keep my head above water I decided it was time to step up for myself and my children and leave. At the advice of a counselor I agreed my children needed at least one healthy parent. And right now they had none.  With some hard work and sacrifice I was determined to heal and become the best mother I could possibly be for my children.

Although it proved to be the smartest decision of my life, unfortunately, the abuse didn't stop.  Even after 4 years of divorce I still cringe when I see his name appear in an email or call.  Always hurling insults and anything evil he can throw to hit the most vulnerable parts of my being. The man I trusted with my life, spoke my vows to, started a family with had become my living nightmare.

But here is the difference. Now, ...I have taken the control back.  You see, I let him take my dignity, my worth, my everything. Not anymore.

I have learned to find my value in the eyes of my savior. My gracious, loving Jesus. He calls me beautiful.  He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb and embraced every mistake I would ever make and loves me unconditionally. This is the love I cling to and trust now. I am safe in his love. 

There is a song that helped catapult me into trusting Christ to care for my broken self.  So much of how I relate to this life is through music.  I want to encourage you to take a moment and find healing and true love in our Heavenly (perfect) Father through this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hyefo5DXLE

"In Better Hands"It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help

Tonight, I pray that you will be delivered from your hurts, your pain and suffering. Take a chance on real love. Christ's perfect love.  Find yourself in better hands.