The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

Stars...

I found this among my mess of social media and it stopped me in my tracks. Remember this simple statement in times of darkness, during your midnights. If we allow our hardships to refine us we will shine bright as the stars that hang from the heavens. Truth.

Ever Wonder "How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!"

That's where I am at right now!   How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!

I was a comfy stay at home mom of 2 babies when my world was rocked a messy divorce that left me penniless, jobless, car-less, and plan-less!

After a couple of years bopping around trying to make ends meet with 2, sometime 3 jobs I decided it was time for a change.  I secured a wonderful job in my dream field and moved out of state, away from my family to start our new life. Everything was falling into place and I felt proud, grateful, joyous! 6 months after moving away, my position was "eliminated" due to budget cuts and I was on again living in the land of the lesses.

I ended up doing the 2 to 3 three jobs at once again, even adding in cleaning homes of friends to make just a bit more in hopes of just getting by.  This was no good. I needed to dig deeper.

Last year I did something that took every brave bone in my body.  Something I swore up and down I would N-E-V-E-R do.  (I bet you're thinking I was stripping or something! lol)  No, for me this was worse...I went back to school.  Age 28 going to college for the first time.

I have always had a passion for Sign Language and helping others.  So, I discovered I qualified for a grant to pay my way at least for that first year. I was petrified and elated all at the same time.  I was going to face my biggest fear (Algebra!) and get my Bachelors Degree.  Whaaaaat?!  I was way more petrified than elated!

I got through my first year of big girl school. Not without hiccups and bruises but I did it.  I was proud of my "Non Traditional" education status.  I was working hard and creating a plan to provide a better life for me and my children.

This morning I went down to school to register. Something was wrong with my Financial aid. My heart sank.  All I could think was "This is my hope. This is my future. This is my ticket out of this painful life! This can't be happening!"  I found myself in a dark hour. My own midnight in the bright and sunny Georgia day.

It would be weeks if not months before I recieved the necessary funding to continue with school, if at all. The lady looked at me and said "Well, just pay up front to start the semester and just get reimbursed."  Ummm, if I could afford that I wouldn't be standig in this line, lady. Frustrated, I grabbed the kids and left.

I'm driving home trying to think of how I can earn enough money in 20 days to pay for the first semester when it all started happening... email from the landlord about my overgrown lawn and will have to pay more money to keep it up and I better do it now, bills stacking up with the lovely 'final notice' stamp, back to school lists I have been putting off in hopes of a financial miracle, an empty refrigerator,  the list just seemed to grow like the weeds in my yard! It all just swirled around in my head making me dizzy.

This is the point where I take a deep breath and realize... This is all a part of a greater plan. The only place I need to be is face down, in prayer. This is an opportunity to grow. I have a big God and if it is meant for me to walk this path I THINK is right for me than it. will. be.  I need to free my heart of the worry and let my faith speak.

Surrender is a tough word. Really think about it. To fully surender. That is a difficult thought when you are the head of a household and that house contains your 2 precious children. Do I truly trust God to lead us? Do I really trust that he can untangle this mess? My answer is a big, fat YES.

Sometimes this life can just flat out suck. Tear us down. Break our spirits.  Our job it to keep getting back up and go one more round. Wipe the brow and fight. Good thing if we choose, we can have the Almighty in our corner. I know I need him.

So, I still have absolutely no idea if/how the school, lawn, bills, food, etc issues will resolve...BUT I do know if I keep my eyes focused on Jesus and his promises, we will be ok.  It WILL all come together for my good.

Every night one of my favorites prayers is simply "Thank you Lord for your promises."  This encompasses so much of what I need. He promises to provide, to protect and to love unconditionally. And I trust him.

I hope to be on here sometime in the near future updating you on the miracles that have been coming together over here. Until then... Find hope in the Lords promises!


Here is my go to link for times such as these! What an amazing promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0jpHtsSEQo

Well, here it is...!

Well, here it is.  The first entry. A blank sheet of paper. A clean slate. A chance to tell the world who I am, who I am not, what I live for, stand up for and would die for. All day I've pondered what my life-changing words to you would be.  Oh, it had to be larger than life. A true page turner that grips you, makes you believe I have the home sense of Martha Stewart, the kitchen sass of Rachel Ray and the wisdom and heart of Mother Teresa. Here was my moment to WOW you with my wit and intellect...

*Cough, cough* ...Well, ahem...uhhh...aw crap.  Today just downright sucked. Who am I kidding?! Without the patient hand holding of a dear friend all day I'm pretty sure you would have found me in a corner throwing grapes at the wall spouting off show tunes in alphabetical order or some other crapshoot craziness. (BTW, thanks, Neena)

So let me throw a few highlights of my day...let's just be real here for a moment if I may...

I woke up this morning all groggy eyed and cranky as I reached over for my iphone 4S to tell me what the day held and fill me in on all my necessary gossip, Instagrams and retweets that I had missed out on the previous night... when it hit me...oh yeah, my phone is still sitting at the bottom of the lake...where I left it last night as I was trying to pull off calm, cool and together mom as my kids met the new man in my life for the first time.  Stress?  Pshhhh..."I'm good!" I wanted to cry and hide under a rock.  Surely those $11 in my bank account were not going to get me a new phone anytime soon. I smiled my way through a few happy go lucky BS words and went on with the new adventure.

As the day unfolded I began to slowly lose it more and more...broken dishwashers and no repairmen...wet bottoms from sitting on the pee left on the toilet seat from your 6 year old son (who obviously has aiming issues), the worlds worse gas and cramps you could possibly imagine (oh, I mean the clear- the- room -and- blame -it- on-the-dog type. Poor dog.), A hive of bees nesting in your mudroom, did I mention the $11 in the bank account part and every bill begging to be paid? Funding for school falling through, and more crap...it just seemed to hit all at once!

I realize these are not massive issues that I am complaining of here and I understand there are families in way more distress than wet bottoms.  I am simply saying...yep, today kinda sucked.  OK, I'm no Martha, Rachel or Teresa...but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.

I am a single mother of two ah-mazing, crazy ankle biters who definitely has had my share of unfair and sucky. But somehow...through grace, rising above and endurance I have figured out how to keep singing songs of praise even in the darkest of times.  My hope, my prayer for you and I both during my time with this blog is to be a peaceful, uplifting reminder that we will have sucky days...and we will be okay. We will sing at midnight.