I am a hard worker. A hard lover. A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.
I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily. And happily so.
Lately, I feel empty. Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at.
I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.
I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down. Near tears. Often.
Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days. This used to not bother me. I mean, I love love. I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal. I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.
I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.
I want to be at peace with being alone. But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.
Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time. Worth their love. And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways. I have never had that. At least not in truth anyway.
I know what God says I am. Beautiful. His daughter. Precious. Perfect. But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily. Leaving you feeling less than desirable. Forget about needed. How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?
Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide. But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize. It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.
What is even more frustrating are the compliments. Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes. How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.
Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic. Oh well, bring it on. If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you! We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!
I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me. And I don't. But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!
I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe. I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe." That was powerful.
I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front. And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow. I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!
Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?
-End Dramatic Scene-
oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid. ;-)
I feel you sister, I have been in a similar boat but with mine bieng the lack of my own child. I have found the evil one likes to get in our heads and has us doubting ourselves and our ability to not only survive but thrive in this world. I have your back and I know you deserve more than you have gotten. Keep praying and keep drawing near...theONE will catch up
ReplyDeleteI totally do understand what youre ranting... I feel you... Will message you as kinda too personal to mention in here. Hang in there. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI felt that way once. I felt alone and scared and that no one would ever want a woman with two children - with no child support. Having to rely on state aid and a federal loan and grant to finish college and keep a roof over our heads. I was sooooo lonely and vulnerable. Have faith in yourself. Trust in the Lord. . . and beware of that vulerability. Men have a way of sensing it and (sometimes) taking advantage. Fast forward 5 years and I was sitting at Monday morning board meetings. My life has taken various twists and turns since that time (including quitting a good job to care for my mother with dementia) and my children are now grown. I am no longer ashamed of the measures I took to insure that my children and I survived, but for one. I allowed a man in our lives that took advantage of that vulnerabilty and lonely. A man I married in haste. A man that was physically abusive (including breaking my hand) and it took my then preteen son coming to my rescue as hubby threatened to kill me to chose sanity over the security of "having a man".
ReplyDeleteThank You, ladies. It is a tough struggle but I failed to communicate was that I will not settle for less than what God has for me. I will continue to be a single mom until I know full well the Lord has brought me the man he intended for me to have as the leader in our home. This is way too beautiful of a family to allow the lonely to push me into the arms of the wrong individual. I've been at this single mom thing for over 4 years...if God has me here for another 4...or 14...so be it. I trust him with this heart and with this family!
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