Happy Birthday to My Girlfriend Who is Totally My Boyfriend

Curious how that one works out, huh?

I have this friend.  We are so the Odd Couple and I love it. We could not be more different in so many ways!  but our quirkiness and weird just attracted each other and it stuck.  And I'm so glad it did.

Mrs. Neena has been my strength in messy messy times, my balance in the most unsturdy situations.  My calm. My crazy. My favorite giggle fit partner.  Sometimes I laugh because I think to myself (A sometimes overly lonely single mom )  "My goodness, this girl is so good to me.  She listens, she laughs, she encourages, she corrects...omg, she is so my boyfriend!  my girlfriend is so my boyfriend." I'm so twisted.

Either way.  My friend has strolled in, awkward swagger and all, and added a much needed love boost into my life and I am so grateful.

Today she turns 34 and this is just one example of why she is my favorite.  Yes, I have favorites. Don't judge.

Neena, you are crazy awkward, silly, fun, compassionate, loving, and wonderful. Thank You for being you to little ole me.  I love you.

Captain Underoos Forever!!!

I'll be your Edna, if you'll be my Esther...

A Very Merry UnAnniversary To Me!

So instead of celebrating my would be 8th wedding anniversary I am walking into school trying to piece together a better existence for my little family.

There may have been a time this would have made me sad, reflect on what could have been...but not anymore.

Things were awful. They were from the beginning and only got worse.

Getting up off the ground and pulling myself together enough to take baby steps toward a better future was the best choice I have made in years.

Never in a million years would I want to have children growing up in a broken home. But this life I have created for them is far more whole than anything I could have given them had I not left. We have hope now.

I'm not the type to ever celebrate a divorce. It is tragic in any case. However, I refuse to wallow in grief and resent what I should have or could have had.

I will rejoice in the new life we live. I will be grateful for the lessons I have learned. Embrace the struggles that have made me a deeper more insightful and compassionate woman.

Life doesn't always go according to our plan. But we can choose how we react to those little twists in our path.

Beautiful Distractions...

Every now and then I have these days I just want to tuck in my pocket and keep close everywhere I go. Just so I can pull them back out on the tough days and feel their warmth and promise.

Today was an ordinary day.  If anything, could have been set up to be challenging, frustrating or even just kinda bla.

It was a rainy day (admission...kinda love those every now and then) I had a sick little boy home from school Monday and now again for a second day.  This means Mommy missed school too which is much rougher to recover from than his missed work in the 1st grade.

I had a bunch of Math work to catch up on which is the single most stressful event in my life.  I absolutely loathe math.

So, trying to focus and wrap my brain around why some looney toon decided to add letters into math I have a little 6 year old playing Legos next to me.  "Hey Mom, look!  I made a space ship! ...Oh, Mom!  Now it's a boat!"  And on and on with the interruptions...

In that moment I am grateful for the peace I felt.  The happiness I experienced.  I got to spend 2 days of one on one time with my son.  The main man in my life. I got to have him trot alongside trips to the grocery store, the post office, and make car, boat and who knows what kind of sounds as I trudged through my homework.

What a joy.  Sure, any other day I could have easily found this a terribly annoying distraction but not today. I got to make memories.  Let my son know how much I enjoy him and drink it all in.

Life is rough around here and I know someday the hard work will pay off.  I'll look back on these days, proud.  Proud that Mommy demonstrated hard work in trying times. Proud of my children for loving their imperfect Mommy in the most beautiful, pure way.

I am so grateful for this life. 

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Grateful for the Awesomesauce

I had the most incredible, overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude, fierce love, and humility wash over me just moments ago.  I was doing my normal routine...walking around the house, fixing this, oganizing that before I head off to my last day of school this week.

I quickly found myself standing with trash in one hand, random toys and objects in the other, staring admirably at a little pink and purple plastic purse find with my 5 year olds monies.  Her piggy bank. It overwhelmed me an I froze.

I could see her in that purse.  The way she loves it, carries it around, constantly begging me to count her money she has earned. I just began to sob and wanted to soak in that little cheap plastic purse.  I began to peer from corner to corner in their playroom...talking aloud about all of the little things they obsess over and make them who they are.  The way my somw ill perfectly line up and organize his various "collections" of whateve he may be into at that stage...its beem trains, dinosaurs, cars, more cars, lots of cars, books, whatever.

I stood there paralyzed with a full heart and just mutterd "They love me so much."  This may sound like a weird thing to say but all of the joy and pride that built up inside my heart just overflowed and made me think of how incredible it was that these two perfect little monsters choose to love me. I am so lucky to have them.

I am beyond grateful for these moments.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't truly absord how wonderful these years truly are.  Stress, responsibilities and the thought that our family isn't quite a whole can be sucha distraction at times.  Not today.  I am fully present. Fully aware of the awesomeness that is my life as their Mom.

My not-so-fancy playroom. Oh, but the joy and memories that come from this awesome space.

(Any fellow OCDers feel the need to jump through the computer and straighten the rug like I do?!)

*Side note: I have friends that have not been able to have the blessing to be a Mommy.  My heart breaks for them and I admire the strength and courage they show every day. I write this not to be insenstitive of their struggles but to let them know I do not take this blessing for granted. Nothing hurts more than to hear someone complain of something you would give your life to have.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to share my joy.