Snarglebarf...

...means I have no words...

Tonight my heart was rocked. 

An email came to me through the women I volunteer with at church saying there was a single mom with 5 children who had landed on some difficult times and would not be able to provide gifts for her children this Christmas.

This familiar deep deep rooted mixture of wild emotions washed over me and I knew I had to jump in both feet first.

See, for the past 2 years I have been in her shoes. I am a single mom and first time college student, trying desperately to earn a better life for my family.  If we couldnt afford to barely keep up with rent or a new coat during the winter, Christmas gifts were surely out of the question.

I have looked my (then) 6 year old son in the face and as gently as Ipossibly could, explained that we would not be exchanging gifts that year but that I knew his grandparents would do their best to try an make is special with a few things when we got down there. (Still wasn't sure how I was going to buy the gas to actually get them there)

My son looked me in the eye and without budging said :It's ok, mommy. I'm okay with just a few things from Grandma and Papa. Mom, do you want to have my money from my piggy bank? You can have it!" 

I just cried happy tears that my boy was learning what is really important in this life. Not the gifts and shiny things, but love. Family. Compassion. Grace. My heart was overflowing.

Even now I'm not sure how we will make it through the holidays but that is not even on my worry radar screen. God has been so merciful and gracious to my little family.

I am mostly excited (like ridiculously excited) to play a small role in knowing the joy, the love that this other single mom will get to experience when her whole list is completely filled by strangers who support her! THAT is the good stuff.  THAT is Christmas.  THAT is love.  ove should be a verb. You DO love. SHOW love. BE love.

This, my friends, is what I live for. What an incredibly meaningful night.

I am so grateful that I am learning how to live a joyous life through loving and serving others. It is truly unlike anything I have ever known.

Throwback Thursday! (I Heart This One!)

This is a blog entry from about 4 years ago, immediately following an awful divorce and moving in with my parents. Children were barely 1 and 3...


What True Love Looks Like...

"So at first glance all you seem to be looking at is a random office desk, some files and a microwave…right? Not to me. You see…look at the left hand side of the photo and you will see a unopened water bottle gently placed atop a randomly placed microwave…amongst office supplies…strange…? Not to me. …let me go back a step…follow me here…
For those of you who do not know…I have recently moved in with my children to my mother and fathers home due to a recent divorce. Life has been tough but we are loved and extremely grateful to have the unconditional support we receive in this home. So…my 2 children and I share one bedroom and on nights when I need extra good sleep…which is pretty much every night…my dad allows me to crash on the bed in his office to escape the nighttime grunts and moans of the children….
keep followin me here…
Oftentimes my dad will hear me make my nightly trips (or super early trips) down to the fridge…making a bottle like a zombie…sticking it in the microwave and trying to rush back up the stairs without injuring myself in my sleepy stuper to get the bottle in the mouth before one child wakes the other…exhausting.
So…today I come up to my little office getaway (which is usually less than relaxing with papers flying from one end to the next)…to find everything at peace, organized, and restful…so I thinking “wow, dad was ambitious today!”…and then I look over and my heart melted. He had done this for me.
Strategically placed between the desk and the filing cabinet is a lovingly placed microwave…for heating the midnight bottle… along with an unopened bottle of water…to keep me from having to run the gauntlet. He never says a word, just wants to show love.
Some people want diamonds or elaborate vacations…this is true love."

Beautiful Distractions...

Every now and then I have these days I just want to tuck in my pocket and keep close everywhere I go. Just so I can pull them back out on the tough days and feel their warmth and promise.

Today was an ordinary day.  If anything, could have been set up to be challenging, frustrating or even just kinda bla.

It was a rainy day (admission...kinda love those every now and then) I had a sick little boy home from school Monday and now again for a second day.  This means Mommy missed school too which is much rougher to recover from than his missed work in the 1st grade.

I had a bunch of Math work to catch up on which is the single most stressful event in my life.  I absolutely loathe math.

So, trying to focus and wrap my brain around why some looney toon decided to add letters into math I have a little 6 year old playing Legos next to me.  "Hey Mom, look!  I made a space ship! ...Oh, Mom!  Now it's a boat!"  And on and on with the interruptions...

In that moment I am grateful for the peace I felt.  The happiness I experienced.  I got to spend 2 days of one on one time with my son.  The main man in my life. I got to have him trot alongside trips to the grocery store, the post office, and make car, boat and who knows what kind of sounds as I trudged through my homework.

What a joy.  Sure, any other day I could have easily found this a terribly annoying distraction but not today. I got to make memories.  Let my son know how much I enjoy him and drink it all in.

Life is rough around here and I know someday the hard work will pay off.  I'll look back on these days, proud.  Proud that Mommy demonstrated hard work in trying times. Proud of my children for loving their imperfect Mommy in the most beautiful, pure way.

I am so grateful for this life. 

Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

Freakin' Control Freak!

Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning!  With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband.  Um...dude...meet Xanax!

See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney.  After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.

This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.

I admit.  My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply.  I know what this means.  Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.

Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday.  He has figured out I print them all. :)  So, I get a call at 8:30pm.  I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30.  So I let it go.  This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up!  I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast."  The calls keep coming like a crazy person.  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go.  He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!"  To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed"  Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency.  You should provide access to them 24-7"  Um, are we kidding here?

What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6?  you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary.  I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!

Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22.  Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat.  I can hear the whole conversation.  It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.

I admit I still get fearful of him.  What he may be capable of doing or getting away with.  He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between.  That's enough to make me sick!

I am beyond exhausted with this bullying.  I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.

I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting.  (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)

I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him.  To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean! 

I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw.  I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this?  Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?"  It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.

Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome!  A girl can hope, right?!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I'm Pretty Sure You Aren't Supposed to Cry Like A Baby While On A Date...

Yesterday was my Birthday. :)  Happy Birthday, me.

I had a date planned with a lovely gentleman I have been dating for a couple of months now.  We sat over a nice, relaxing lunch in Midtown swapping stories, laughing, teasing and carrying on.  He had gotten up and I pulled my cell phone out to soak up all the sweet Birthday wishes via text, Facebook, etc.  I was glowing as he returned and he looked at me like I was a nut.

Quickly my glow turned to what I think must have looked like a look of concern maybe.  He begins to probe "Babe, what is wrong?"  I start to tear up and turn red. "Hun, please, what is going on? Are you ok?" Now I'm fully crying staring at the glow of my screen. I need to get to my tissues in my purse and can't quite get words out. So I just hand him my phone as I wipe my running mascara and watch his face sweep a sweet smile across and hand me my phone back.

See, a few days ago I was in a rough spot. Feeling overwhelmed by my struggles and succumbed to feeling defeated.  I post a blog entry spilling my feelings over this hardship.  Well, apparently, unknowingly to me, someone very special was reading it on the complete opposite side of the country.  Someone I know very little but have come to appreciate very much.

As I sobbed like an idiot over my lunch I read this Facebook message: (I have deleted any names for privacy.

"I have been reading your blogs lately, which are so wonderfully written! I can relate in many ways. I struggled in college with money all the time! My husband and I lived off of Del Taco, I swear! And I was raised by a single mom, so I totally understand the stress that can bring. Being a mom is hard enough, I can't imagine doing it alone. Well, after a TON of hard work, my husband and I are in a place where we can afford to help out others here and there. I logged on to Facebook today and saw it was your birthday, and I think you deserve some pampering. I know you are in Georgia, so I went to yelp and found a fabulous spa and bought you a massage. I am obsessed with massages, I hope you are too! The gift card will be sent to your email and you can print it out and take it to the spa (Please let me know if you have any problems getting it).They have several locations around Georgia so hopefully you can find one close to you. I included enough for gratuity, so you are all set. Have a wonderful birthday...and remember you are a rockstar Mama!!"

I am tearing up all over again as I read it now.

Let me tell you what this did for me...besides hook a mama up with a fancy schmancy massage that I'm super pumped about!  No, it gave me so much more. I was floored that my words, my struggles, my efforts may, just may have touched someones heart.  Someone cared about me enough to feel compassion and take action to someone they barely know. It  gave me hope, encouragement, excitement and an overwhelming humble, grateful heart.

The love and compassion shown through this angel of a woman has lifted my spirits and shown me love that I very much needed.  As a single mom there aren't many people around to pat you on the back and let you know you are doing a good job. Especially when your family is in another state and the other parent is no help and is degrading and awful. It can leave you feeling insignificant and like you are constantly runnin on empty.

All in all I wanted to share this amazing gesture, my gratitude and hope. I will surely be paying this forward the moment my situation allows me to.  I hope this inspires someone to reach out in kindness as this lovely woman did to me. :)

t.h.a.n.k.y.o.u.

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Happy 29th Birthday, You're Menopausal! Whaaat?!!!

I never thought that for my 29th Birthday I'd be given the gift of Menopause.

For about a year I have been struggling with seemingly random health junk.  Nothing life threatening but sucky crap.

Here is some of the list of fun: (Not for the weak tummy friends! It's about to get sexy up in here)
-Severe Acne
-Skin Discoloration
-High Blood Pressure
-Rapid Weight Gain
-Abdominal Pain
-Non Stop Bleeding/Inability to have regular cycle
-Frequent Urination (Like 3-4x per night!)
-Severe Constipation (yummy, right)
-Inability to conceive naturally (this I learned after diagnosis)

These are just the more substantial issues I have been dealing with this lovely 28th year of life.  After consulting a few doctors I finally found answers.  I have a bad case of Endometriosis as well as Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

This meant up to 16+ pills daily and surgery to alleviate pain.  I have awful scarring across my whole face from the painful battles with acne. My once bright and bouncy skin is now ravaged, wrinkled up and dry because of all of the harsh creams. It ain't cute.

I feel like these issues have taken over and I'm left a mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointmet to be injected with the medication Lupron.  This will put me into a menopausal state for 6 months.  You realize what this means right?  Hot Flashes. Mood Swings. Batcrap Crazy!  There is a pill called Norethin Ace you are supposed to take daily to reduce side effects but I just feel I am in for an awful experience. (Should be AWESOME for the new relationship in my life. He is going to run for the hills!!!)

The idea is that my internal organs cannot heal as long as I continue to have a cycle.  Everything will be shut down for 6 months to give it time to get healthy again.

I have been researching reviews about experiences with Lupron and it is horrifying some of the things I read. Although there are some positive reviews, the awful ones are just disturbing and seem to appear more frequently.

I am scared.  I feel this is something I need to do though.

Any bit of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I am alone up here and quietly wish I had someone to drag along with me tomorrow.  Even as I write that it brings tears to my eyes.  I am just so afraid of screwing my body up even more.  It has been so difficult this last year to deal with all of this unpleasant, gross and embarassing crap. Don't even get me started on what it does to your confidence as a single-trying-to-date mom. :-/

Menopause...here I come.

Home.

Last night I made the 2 hour drive to drop the kids off with their dad for his 1 night every two weeks with the kids.  Don't get me started.

So, recently both their father and I had found ourselves moving into new homes just one weekend apart so the kids had a lot of adjustments going on. Their dad is remarried to his third wife.  I was number 2.  The kids seem to be ok with their stepmother so I am very glad for that.

Unfortunately he has ever had much involvement with the kids. Other than his court ordered child support and 2 nights a month (and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a month) that's it. Your typically "fun dad" who has no rules and sends them home exhausted, hungry and filthy.

The kids are not 5 and 7 and starting to understand the difference in roles between their parents. My son, the 7 year old has for about a year now expressed grief over having to go to his fathers.  And now the little one is beginning the same pattern. 

Although when we moved it was to someone elses 40 acre horse farm (woo hoo) our home was going to be quite an adjustment. Maybe 900sf, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom built in the 1950s and some parts definitely scream "I am 60+ years old!" None of the doors shut properly, the foundation slants terribly, unusually low ceilings, the whole dang house is just wonky.  Oh, and the ants. We lost a whole pantry to the ants. But it save me a few hundred dollars a month and I was praying the lifestyle would redeem the step down we were making home-wise.

Well, you can imagine my surprise (and embarrassed to admit, horror) when I learned dad's new house was also farmlike...except... Daddy's new place was 5,600sf, 6 private acres with 2 lakes and a new SUV purchased just for off road adventures. Oh and "Kids! We are going to let you pick out your own farm animals and build all kinds of awesome chicken coups and treehouses!" -Insert dejected mom face here-

I need to be shamefully honest here. I was scared. I was scared that all dad's bells and whisles would make my kids want to live at Daddy's, to be less grateful for what I had worked so hard at providing and to flat out leave Mommy and my wonky house in the dust. My insecurities started screaming. "You can't compete with that!" "It is going to be 'Mommy who?!'"  "You aren't worth enough for them to want to stay with you when they could have all of that."

Now, anyone who knows me at all knows I am not defined by things. Things don't impress me much to tell ya the truth.  I know people quite well who have lots and lots of fancy things.  And more times than not they are still searching for that something to complete them.  I'm not searching. I feel whole in my heart and no amount of money can buy that.

However, these are children.  Children are so impressionable and easy to sway with "things."  I was worried Mommy's unending love and full heart just wouldn't be enough.

Last night I drove the kids to their Dads. As usual the pleading began for me to call their dad and ask if they could just not come this time. (Yeah, that would go over like a fart in church) I knew I had to take them and there was no way out so I try my best to ease their fears and put their hearts in a comfier frame of mind.

My son said something in all of his sad pleading that hit me. He said "Mom, I just don't like Dad's house. I just want to be with you. Please!"  I had this weird mixture of sadness and curiosity.  So I inquired... He says to me "Dad's house is just too big mommy. I don't feel comfortable there. I just want to be home with you."  Home. 

Home.  I was stunned. Shocked. Ashamed to admit somewhat happy. My baby just wanted Home. It did not matter one bit about the goofy tiny house we now called home.  Mommy was home.  And it didn't matter what the 4 walls that contained us looked like.

While sharing some of these thoughts, a friend challenged my thinking... "Well, it isn't a competition, right?"  No. It isn't.  I don't need to live extravagantly and I don't need my children to value me more than their father.  I pray someday their father will become the man that they deserve in this life. I can only say that when you love how Mommys love and sacrifice how Single Mommys sacrifice, protect like a Mama Bear (even when sometimes the protecting is from the hurt left from their own father) you are going to experience some helplessness and fear that your whole world could be swept away by something like this.

The person who says they have no insecurities is a person full of poo.  Simple as that.  When you allow yourself to invest in love like this, it is as scary as crap. 

It hurts me to my core to know my son has fear of his father and both of my children experience insecurity and grief when it is time to visit. The tearful phone calls. The pleading to come and get them. But I am comforted to know that I must be doing something right.

Dating. What the?!

I admit.  Back in "my day" I was pretty good at snaggin' dates, being flirty and having a great time. But my goodness, the dating game has changed! I have been divorced a little over 4 years now and I've come to the conclusion that ... I am clueless about how this all works!

I'd like to know the "rules" of dating these days. Or at least your take on them.

I'm finding myself going back and forth about how I feel regarding dating more than one person at a time thing.  I tend to favor only dating one person at a time.  It is just too hard to keep all of the info, names and details straight! I feel if you believe someone is worth your time you should give them your full attention to give it a fair go. This way you know quicker if your wasting your time and truly gave yourself in full. If it doesn't work out then you know you gave it your all and you move on!  No?

And then how do you feel about the other person dating more than just you?  Technically they aren'y your boyfriend yet so they can do what they want...but what about someone feeling like you are enough to see through one way or another?  Am I too old fashioned?

Dating as an adult...and especially an adult with 2 children?  Insert crazy, confused look on my face!

Help!

Big Fat Scary Step of Faith...or Stupidity?

A few months ago I found out that my 2 kids and I were going to need to move out of our comfy little home where we dwelled in the lovely, cushy bubble of suburbia complete with close together matching houses and the only home we have known here living in Georgia.  I felt like my world was falling apart and to be quite honest, I had flashes of the future with my poor little family homeless and begging. (ok, so I knew it would go THAT far but I was pretty scared)

We don't have much extra income (or really any) so I was nervous how I was going to swing moving costs, deposits, a truck and even people to help! My family is all in a different state and I don't have much help around here in that respect.

Anyway, I had a minor (somewhat major, but who's counting) breakdown until I decided I had to find peace and kick this problems rear end like I knew I could do.  I started the dreaded house hunting process and everything I found was wayyyy off from what we wanted and were accustomed to. I was fighting discouragement in a bad way.  I just kept telling myself that we were going to be just fine.  We always were. But that sneaky voice kept haunting me with 'yeah but this time you are in over your head, lady.' But I just kept kicking it out.

I searching Craigslist every evening when the kids went to bed. Each night, nothing.  Until one night... it was a Thursday and I had come to know each new postting by sight since I check so frequently.  Well, that Thursday night I saw one new post...it read... "Farm House"  Hmmm... It was just enough to grab my curiosity.  I clicked thinking it would just be something to look at.

I fell in love.

This cute little red house that sat on 40 acres of...wait for it...a horse ranch. What you may not know is that I have a little 5 year old daughter who has a passion for growing up to become a horse trainer.  I thought it would be a fleeting phase but it has stuck since about 18 months and only gets stronger!

My thoughts went immediately to her and what a blessing this could be. I knew riding lessons were going to be too costly for me but this...this could be a crazy, wild fun adventure.  I thought all the searching must have drivin me to insanity becasue I was emailing a man about living on a farm.  (Did I mention I grew up in Orange County, California...yeah...not exactly a farm kind of girl! ...or so I thought)

Anyway, we set up an appointment and the guy was very straight foreward that he had a ton of interest and he was looking for a specific type of family.  (I put on my charm...insert little wink here!) Before you knew it...we had a deal and I was handing him a check!

VERY quickly all I could think about was holyyyyy crap WHAT did I just do?! A farm.  Living on a farm. Oh, self, you have really done it this time!  But truth is, I sort of craved the idea of my kids learning hard work and becoming independent and not afraid to get a little dirty and muck a stall full of poop! (There are plenty of kids I wish I could force to do this with!)

Well, God showed up and provided.  A chain went through my church that there was a single mom in need of help on that coming Saturday...oh yeah...it was a record high of 107 degrees that day. I thought for no one would be crazy enough to sacrifice their Saturday to come help a stranger move on a record setting day of heat!  I was wrong...

Most all of these people I had never me until they showed up with tools and a smile to help me move.

A steady train of strangers and friends coming and going constantly with gracious hearts.

And then I found this... the only item left in the home from the previous owner.  A fortune that read: "Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones." I finally took a deep breath and smiled.

Being a single parent comes with a great deal of pressure if you are trying to be a good one! Where will I choose to raise my family. Is this the right school to form my childrens futures? Is this the right neighborhood for them to flourish? Or in my case... Should I move us all to a farm and pray for the best?!

We have been in our new farm house for about a month and a half now.  School just started and I was still looking for some kind of confirmation that I wasn't dragging my kids off on some nutso adventure that I would end up regretting badly.  Well, this week I got my confirmation.

I watched as my kids ran back and forth with excitement to get carrots to feed all of the horses who know them now and come to eagerly to the sound of their tiny voices. Knowing treat are to come! Waiting on the bus I saw what I had been hoping for. It was working. They were loving this new life and soaking up every bit of what I secretly wished for.  Joy. Love. Compassion. Playing outdoors. Taking care of the animals. Bonding. Nature hikes.  It was working. I had done it.  They both have expressed to me this week that mama made a great choice for our new home. *Sigh*

This is our bus stop in the front yard. Both kids with backpacks feeding horrses while waiting to go to school. Memories that will shape them and leave lasting imprints. <3

Nature scavenger hunts with a cutie I've been dating. (maybe more to come on that one at another time!) Boys vs Girls...

Boys won. Of course. Turds.

This has no part to this story whatsoever. It just melts my heart. :-D

I guess I shared this to vent, to encourage, the be appreciative, to give hope.  Something I thought was life-ruining turned out to be one of the biggest, fattest, scariest decisions...that was nothing short of incredible.

So, feel free to come and visit...just bring a bag of carrots!





Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

BOOM! 1st Miracle DONE...In Under 5 hours!

If you read my last post you know I was waiting on some miracles to come down from above in a pretty desperate time of need...

Well, one specific needed miracle was child care for my kids twice a week. More specifically, cheap child care that can be at my house to get kids off bus until I can get home after my school.  I called and called so many different places and the cheapest I could find was $400/month for 2 days!!! What the?!  Everything else was upwards of $570+ per month.  There is just no way I can fit this in the budget, God! Hellooo?!

I was out taking the kids to visit the horsies...a daily ritual. We live in a small home built in the 1950's that sits on 40 acres of horse farm.  It is a barn co-op and there are some lovely people who come and go to care for their horses.  We just live here and let my daughter live out her dream to be living with horses. :) All the joys of barn living without the work and mucking stalls! Yeehaw!

Anyway, as we were walking in I saw a familiar face that I don't often run into.  Something told me to stop, turn around and just throw out my need and see what bites.  So, I did exactly that.  Ready for this?!

There is one other small home just a hop skip and a jump from ours on the back of the property.  This womans mother just moved in and is terribly lonely...and looking to feel useful.  :-D  We discussed the details and not only can she but her daughter said she is going to be so excited to have something to give her a sense of community, worth and contribution! So, I will pay her a fraction of the daycare costs and she is pumped about it! 

Not only did I get blessed but our need ended up blessing someone else financially and emotionally!  Instead of Hellllo God???  I need to be saying Helloooooo God!!!!!

I posted my need exacly 5 hours ago to the minute. Crazy the way he works.  Grateful.  thank you, Lord, for your promises!

Well, here it is...!

Well, here it is.  The first entry. A blank sheet of paper. A clean slate. A chance to tell the world who I am, who I am not, what I live for, stand up for and would die for. All day I've pondered what my life-changing words to you would be.  Oh, it had to be larger than life. A true page turner that grips you, makes you believe I have the home sense of Martha Stewart, the kitchen sass of Rachel Ray and the wisdom and heart of Mother Teresa. Here was my moment to WOW you with my wit and intellect...

*Cough, cough* ...Well, ahem...uhhh...aw crap.  Today just downright sucked. Who am I kidding?! Without the patient hand holding of a dear friend all day I'm pretty sure you would have found me in a corner throwing grapes at the wall spouting off show tunes in alphabetical order or some other crapshoot craziness. (BTW, thanks, Neena)

So let me throw a few highlights of my day...let's just be real here for a moment if I may...

I woke up this morning all groggy eyed and cranky as I reached over for my iphone 4S to tell me what the day held and fill me in on all my necessary gossip, Instagrams and retweets that I had missed out on the previous night... when it hit me...oh yeah, my phone is still sitting at the bottom of the lake...where I left it last night as I was trying to pull off calm, cool and together mom as my kids met the new man in my life for the first time.  Stress?  Pshhhh..."I'm good!" I wanted to cry and hide under a rock.  Surely those $11 in my bank account were not going to get me a new phone anytime soon. I smiled my way through a few happy go lucky BS words and went on with the new adventure.

As the day unfolded I began to slowly lose it more and more...broken dishwashers and no repairmen...wet bottoms from sitting on the pee left on the toilet seat from your 6 year old son (who obviously has aiming issues), the worlds worse gas and cramps you could possibly imagine (oh, I mean the clear- the- room -and- blame -it- on-the-dog type. Poor dog.), A hive of bees nesting in your mudroom, did I mention the $11 in the bank account part and every bill begging to be paid? Funding for school falling through, and more crap...it just seemed to hit all at once!

I realize these are not massive issues that I am complaining of here and I understand there are families in way more distress than wet bottoms.  I am simply saying...yep, today kinda sucked.  OK, I'm no Martha, Rachel or Teresa...but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.

I am a single mother of two ah-mazing, crazy ankle biters who definitely has had my share of unfair and sucky. But somehow...through grace, rising above and endurance I have figured out how to keep singing songs of praise even in the darkest of times.  My hope, my prayer for you and I both during my time with this blog is to be a peaceful, uplifting reminder that we will have sucky days...and we will be okay. We will sing at midnight.