The last month or so has been "survival mode" for me. I was drowning in my math class, overwhelmed with mandatory lab hours in sign language, working 2 hours each morning in the barn before getting the kids and myself off to school...coming to a head with a long, drawn out court battle with my ex who lives to tear me down...I had to flip into auto pilot and just get through this mess one day at a time.
I began to realize that in spite my intense approach to tackling my life long nemesis, math, I was losing and was about to face full suspension from all classes if I did not pass with a C. Pressure was mounting and I was drowning no matter how hard I worked. An incredible friend of mine stepped in and offered to "sponsor" me in math by paying for a tutor. I've never really heard of being a "sponsored" math student but I was relieved and humbled at his effort to support my dream and chance at a better life for the kids and I.
Well, about 30 hours of tutoring later, 6 out of 7 nights a week, at least 2.5-3 hours nightly leading up to the final exam...I failed the class. Again. That was it. Done. Unable to continue any studies for 1 full year. It didn't matter that I had all straight A's and has tested into the sign language interpreters program. Dreams for a better future, shot.
The worst part was that I didn't even get to finish half of the test. I ran out of time and was not permitted to even bubble in educated guesses, being forced to take at least 40% zeros. I began to sob uncontrollably. How is it possible that I THAT stupid? How can I not get through a learning support algebra class as an adult?! It was high school failure all over again, torturous.
I went to the head of the dept and sobbed like a child. There was no sympathy, just a cold shoulder. I was devastated. I felt I had failed all of the people who were personally invested in helping me succeed. My "sponsor", my friends who watched my kids so I could go tutor, my friends who sat in as a tutor, dozens of people who poured in love and encouragement who KNEW I would prevail. I felt I had let them all down and was crushed.
Well, something fell into my lap from a friend I hadn't spoken to since high school. She sent me a message explaining that based on some of the things I had shared she believed I should be evaluated for a learning disability. I didn't think much of it at first and went on with my night. Little by little I began to recall several people over the course of a few weeks (mainly those who did math life with me) asking if I had ever been told I was possibly dyslexic. I was puzzled and like "um, no. weirdo." Some would gently tell me..."did you know there is such a thing as dyslexia with numbers?" I just dismissed. Nah, I'm just rally bad at math. I get it from my Mom. (sorry, mom!) It was a joke in our family that all of Mom's funny things she wasn't great at, I inherited! (I'd be well off in this life if I could be even half of the woman my mom is...awful math and all)
So I decided to just take a peek and Google this "dyslexia with numbers" deal. You know, just to say I did and move on.
What I read not only stopped me cold in my tracks, it changed life as I know it forever. All of the odd things I never admitted to others out of fear of embarrassment, all of the concepts I could just never ever grasp...it was ALL there. Things I would have never realized were somehow connected. I wasn't just bad at math or stupid. I had Dyscalculia. There was no doubt.
It was the strangest experience. I went from devastated-failure-mess to thrilled-hopeful-ecstatic. My emotions were on the most intense roller coaster ever. I printed my documents and off to school I went, determined to find answers and fight for myself. I approached my teacher who knew my situation and asked him if I could have permission to go look into this. It then when he looked at me and said "Yeah, you need to go to the disabilities office." Um. Come again?
No, no, no, you see, I go to school to help people with disabilities...I'm not the one with a disability. Oh, wait, hmmm. Definitely a challenge to be thrown on the opposite side of the table you are used to. I walked hesitantly into the building, wondering if I had a sign that said "broken" or "defective brain" or worse "disabled" as I walked toward that room 1300. No joke, luckily I had some humor to lighten the mood as I went to walk in...there was a sign saying "Accessible Door Is Not Working, Please Knock For assistance" ON THE DISABILITIES OFFICE DOOR! Palm to forehead moment for sure,
I went in and found it hard to say what I was there for. I had to admit I believed I had a disability and without special accommodations I would not be capable of getting through certain classes to graduate. Gulp. Me? Admit I am not fully capable? I am Mrs. Elbow Grease I Can Do Anything!
I met with the most incredible advisor and after a couple of hours finally began to relax and allow a slight bit of hope in. We concluded I do need to be tested and receive an official diagnosis. We feel confident that I suffer from this learning disability that wouldn't ya know...is genetic. Answers for Momma too! And oddly enough, I had been watching my daughters writing since last year after noticing some strange habits. The most common and disturbing being her writing as if she were looking into a mirror. And perfectly correct! And...when asked if it looks different than her regular work she says no! Hmmm, we may be onto something. Her teacher dies not feel it is a need for concern but I'll be watching.
I really don't even know how to summarize what I have taken from the last 24 hours because there is just too much. I see God's grace and provision, I see new a new light of compassion, I see a new fierce determination, I feel like I can scream "See!!! I'm not crazy!!!" and so so much more. All of the quirky things I couldn't grasp and understand were finally being explained. I wasn't just dumber than everyone else. The most exciting part right now is knowing that maybe there is some hope to learning better ways to educate myself in these areas. H-o-p-e.
And...I went back to cold math dept head today with my new finding and paperwork and a nice cheery, hopeful smile. She said she had been thinking of me and after listening to me she wanted to try and think of a way I could earn my passing grade to continue schooling and hopefully with my disability status and accommodations, be successful! She was clear she made no promises but said I may be able to do extra work over the break and earn my C. That was an incredible moment.
So, I am waiting to receive my appointment date and actually look forward to a potential diagnosis. It may sound like a strange thing to be excited for but when you have gone through life as I have as far as school and education, it is an incredible relief to think there is a reason for your immense struggle and hardship. And I will say it again..the word of the day... Hope. It is an immeasurable gift to finally have a tiny glimpse of hope in a lifelong hopeless situation.
