The holidays have been a rough spot for the last several years. Post divorce and still praying for someone to complete our family unit and fill in the little daddy shaped holes in my children's hearts.
Each year I tell myself I will celebrate and change the cycle of sad. I end up just getting through, feeling satisfied that at least I was able to keep a smile on my face and feign excitement for the kids sake. This year, unfortunately, was a repeat of the past 4.
It seemed like everyone I knew as a "single friend" had finally found their other half and were either getting hitched or announcing the engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them. But left feeling like I've just been forgotten. Or worse, not worthy.
The last few years have been rough and this past year, especially dumb. It's probably a good thing nobody came along because I'm not sure it could have even worked. Well, actually I know it wouldn't have since the one I thought was well, you know, THE one came...promised...and then went. I'm not altogether sure I'm not over that one just yet. (Who am I kidding)
I feel guilty for complaining because so many have it far worse. Trust me, I know this. I just would like to feel like my feelings matter. I understand it could be worse.
I mean, although the Waffle House staff is lovely and I enjoy spending holidays with them... I think I'm ready to move on.
I do have faith. Even with faith, it's difficult to walk the journey at times. You know something will come to you but you have no idea when, how or really anything. It wears on your strength sometimes. Holidays always getcha.
The worst part I think is that I know what I want but it isn't within reach. And possibly not even Gods plan for me. Having to make a choice of keep holding on because its so important, or let go, endure the pain and try your best to move on.
The one thing I do know is that letting go feels an awful lot like giving up. And that's one thing this girl just can't do.
...this post brought to you from the comfort of my good ole standby booth at my trusty Waffle House...
