Freakin' Control Freak!

Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning!  With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband.  Um...dude...meet Xanax!

See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney.  After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.

This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.

I admit.  My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply.  I know what this means.  Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.

Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday.  He has figured out I print them all. :)  So, I get a call at 8:30pm.  I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30.  So I let it go.  This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up!  I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast."  The calls keep coming like a crazy person.  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go.  He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!"  To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed"  Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency.  You should provide access to them 24-7"  Um, are we kidding here?

What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6?  you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary.  I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!

Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22.  Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat.  I can hear the whole conversation.  It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.

I admit I still get fearful of him.  What he may be capable of doing or getting away with.  He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between.  That's enough to make me sick!

I am beyond exhausted with this bullying.  I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.

I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting.  (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)

I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him.  To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean! 

I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw.  I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this?  Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?"  It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.

Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome!  A girl can hope, right?!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Big Fat Scary Step of Faith...or Stupidity?

A few months ago I found out that my 2 kids and I were going to need to move out of our comfy little home where we dwelled in the lovely, cushy bubble of suburbia complete with close together matching houses and the only home we have known here living in Georgia.  I felt like my world was falling apart and to be quite honest, I had flashes of the future with my poor little family homeless and begging. (ok, so I knew it would go THAT far but I was pretty scared)

We don't have much extra income (or really any) so I was nervous how I was going to swing moving costs, deposits, a truck and even people to help! My family is all in a different state and I don't have much help around here in that respect.

Anyway, I had a minor (somewhat major, but who's counting) breakdown until I decided I had to find peace and kick this problems rear end like I knew I could do.  I started the dreaded house hunting process and everything I found was wayyyy off from what we wanted and were accustomed to. I was fighting discouragement in a bad way.  I just kept telling myself that we were going to be just fine.  We always were. But that sneaky voice kept haunting me with 'yeah but this time you are in over your head, lady.' But I just kept kicking it out.

I searching Craigslist every evening when the kids went to bed. Each night, nothing.  Until one night... it was a Thursday and I had come to know each new postting by sight since I check so frequently.  Well, that Thursday night I saw one new post...it read... "Farm House"  Hmmm... It was just enough to grab my curiosity.  I clicked thinking it would just be something to look at.

I fell in love.

This cute little red house that sat on 40 acres of...wait for it...a horse ranch. What you may not know is that I have a little 5 year old daughter who has a passion for growing up to become a horse trainer.  I thought it would be a fleeting phase but it has stuck since about 18 months and only gets stronger!

My thoughts went immediately to her and what a blessing this could be. I knew riding lessons were going to be too costly for me but this...this could be a crazy, wild fun adventure.  I thought all the searching must have drivin me to insanity becasue I was emailing a man about living on a farm.  (Did I mention I grew up in Orange County, California...yeah...not exactly a farm kind of girl! ...or so I thought)

Anyway, we set up an appointment and the guy was very straight foreward that he had a ton of interest and he was looking for a specific type of family.  (I put on my charm...insert little wink here!) Before you knew it...we had a deal and I was handing him a check!

VERY quickly all I could think about was holyyyyy crap WHAT did I just do?! A farm.  Living on a farm. Oh, self, you have really done it this time!  But truth is, I sort of craved the idea of my kids learning hard work and becoming independent and not afraid to get a little dirty and muck a stall full of poop! (There are plenty of kids I wish I could force to do this with!)

Well, God showed up and provided.  A chain went through my church that there was a single mom in need of help on that coming Saturday...oh yeah...it was a record high of 107 degrees that day. I thought for no one would be crazy enough to sacrifice their Saturday to come help a stranger move on a record setting day of heat!  I was wrong...

Most all of these people I had never me until they showed up with tools and a smile to help me move.

A steady train of strangers and friends coming and going constantly with gracious hearts.

And then I found this... the only item left in the home from the previous owner.  A fortune that read: "Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones." I finally took a deep breath and smiled.

Being a single parent comes with a great deal of pressure if you are trying to be a good one! Where will I choose to raise my family. Is this the right school to form my childrens futures? Is this the right neighborhood for them to flourish? Or in my case... Should I move us all to a farm and pray for the best?!

We have been in our new farm house for about a month and a half now.  School just started and I was still looking for some kind of confirmation that I wasn't dragging my kids off on some nutso adventure that I would end up regretting badly.  Well, this week I got my confirmation.

I watched as my kids ran back and forth with excitement to get carrots to feed all of the horses who know them now and come to eagerly to the sound of their tiny voices. Knowing treat are to come! Waiting on the bus I saw what I had been hoping for. It was working. They were loving this new life and soaking up every bit of what I secretly wished for.  Joy. Love. Compassion. Playing outdoors. Taking care of the animals. Bonding. Nature hikes.  It was working. I had done it.  They both have expressed to me this week that mama made a great choice for our new home. *Sigh*

This is our bus stop in the front yard. Both kids with backpacks feeding horrses while waiting to go to school. Memories that will shape them and leave lasting imprints. <3

Nature scavenger hunts with a cutie I've been dating. (maybe more to come on that one at another time!) Boys vs Girls...

Boys won. Of course. Turds.

This has no part to this story whatsoever. It just melts my heart. :-D

I guess I shared this to vent, to encourage, the be appreciative, to give hope.  Something I thought was life-ruining turned out to be one of the biggest, fattest, scariest decisions...that was nothing short of incredible.

So, feel free to come and visit...just bring a bag of carrots!





Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

Stars...

I found this among my mess of social media and it stopped me in my tracks. Remember this simple statement in times of darkness, during your midnights. If we allow our hardships to refine us we will shine bright as the stars that hang from the heavens. Truth.

Ever Wonder "How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!"

That's where I am at right now!   How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!

I was a comfy stay at home mom of 2 babies when my world was rocked a messy divorce that left me penniless, jobless, car-less, and plan-less!

After a couple of years bopping around trying to make ends meet with 2, sometime 3 jobs I decided it was time for a change.  I secured a wonderful job in my dream field and moved out of state, away from my family to start our new life. Everything was falling into place and I felt proud, grateful, joyous! 6 months after moving away, my position was "eliminated" due to budget cuts and I was on again living in the land of the lesses.

I ended up doing the 2 to 3 three jobs at once again, even adding in cleaning homes of friends to make just a bit more in hopes of just getting by.  This was no good. I needed to dig deeper.

Last year I did something that took every brave bone in my body.  Something I swore up and down I would N-E-V-E-R do.  (I bet you're thinking I was stripping or something! lol)  No, for me this was worse...I went back to school.  Age 28 going to college for the first time.

I have always had a passion for Sign Language and helping others.  So, I discovered I qualified for a grant to pay my way at least for that first year. I was petrified and elated all at the same time.  I was going to face my biggest fear (Algebra!) and get my Bachelors Degree.  Whaaaaat?!  I was way more petrified than elated!

I got through my first year of big girl school. Not without hiccups and bruises but I did it.  I was proud of my "Non Traditional" education status.  I was working hard and creating a plan to provide a better life for me and my children.

This morning I went down to school to register. Something was wrong with my Financial aid. My heart sank.  All I could think was "This is my hope. This is my future. This is my ticket out of this painful life! This can't be happening!"  I found myself in a dark hour. My own midnight in the bright and sunny Georgia day.

It would be weeks if not months before I recieved the necessary funding to continue with school, if at all. The lady looked at me and said "Well, just pay up front to start the semester and just get reimbursed."  Ummm, if I could afford that I wouldn't be standig in this line, lady. Frustrated, I grabbed the kids and left.

I'm driving home trying to think of how I can earn enough money in 20 days to pay for the first semester when it all started happening... email from the landlord about my overgrown lawn and will have to pay more money to keep it up and I better do it now, bills stacking up with the lovely 'final notice' stamp, back to school lists I have been putting off in hopes of a financial miracle, an empty refrigerator,  the list just seemed to grow like the weeds in my yard! It all just swirled around in my head making me dizzy.

This is the point where I take a deep breath and realize... This is all a part of a greater plan. The only place I need to be is face down, in prayer. This is an opportunity to grow. I have a big God and if it is meant for me to walk this path I THINK is right for me than it. will. be.  I need to free my heart of the worry and let my faith speak.

Surrender is a tough word. Really think about it. To fully surender. That is a difficult thought when you are the head of a household and that house contains your 2 precious children. Do I truly trust God to lead us? Do I really trust that he can untangle this mess? My answer is a big, fat YES.

Sometimes this life can just flat out suck. Tear us down. Break our spirits.  Our job it to keep getting back up and go one more round. Wipe the brow and fight. Good thing if we choose, we can have the Almighty in our corner. I know I need him.

So, I still have absolutely no idea if/how the school, lawn, bills, food, etc issues will resolve...BUT I do know if I keep my eyes focused on Jesus and his promises, we will be ok.  It WILL all come together for my good.

Every night one of my favorites prayers is simply "Thank you Lord for your promises."  This encompasses so much of what I need. He promises to provide, to protect and to love unconditionally. And I trust him.

I hope to be on here sometime in the near future updating you on the miracles that have been coming together over here. Until then... Find hope in the Lords promises!


Here is my go to link for times such as these! What an amazing promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0jpHtsSEQo

Well, here it is...!

Well, here it is.  The first entry. A blank sheet of paper. A clean slate. A chance to tell the world who I am, who I am not, what I live for, stand up for and would die for. All day I've pondered what my life-changing words to you would be.  Oh, it had to be larger than life. A true page turner that grips you, makes you believe I have the home sense of Martha Stewart, the kitchen sass of Rachel Ray and the wisdom and heart of Mother Teresa. Here was my moment to WOW you with my wit and intellect...

*Cough, cough* ...Well, ahem...uhhh...aw crap.  Today just downright sucked. Who am I kidding?! Without the patient hand holding of a dear friend all day I'm pretty sure you would have found me in a corner throwing grapes at the wall spouting off show tunes in alphabetical order or some other crapshoot craziness. (BTW, thanks, Neena)

So let me throw a few highlights of my day...let's just be real here for a moment if I may...

I woke up this morning all groggy eyed and cranky as I reached over for my iphone 4S to tell me what the day held and fill me in on all my necessary gossip, Instagrams and retweets that I had missed out on the previous night... when it hit me...oh yeah, my phone is still sitting at the bottom of the lake...where I left it last night as I was trying to pull off calm, cool and together mom as my kids met the new man in my life for the first time.  Stress?  Pshhhh..."I'm good!" I wanted to cry and hide under a rock.  Surely those $11 in my bank account were not going to get me a new phone anytime soon. I smiled my way through a few happy go lucky BS words and went on with the new adventure.

As the day unfolded I began to slowly lose it more and more...broken dishwashers and no repairmen...wet bottoms from sitting on the pee left on the toilet seat from your 6 year old son (who obviously has aiming issues), the worlds worse gas and cramps you could possibly imagine (oh, I mean the clear- the- room -and- blame -it- on-the-dog type. Poor dog.), A hive of bees nesting in your mudroom, did I mention the $11 in the bank account part and every bill begging to be paid? Funding for school falling through, and more crap...it just seemed to hit all at once!

I realize these are not massive issues that I am complaining of here and I understand there are families in way more distress than wet bottoms.  I am simply saying...yep, today kinda sucked.  OK, I'm no Martha, Rachel or Teresa...but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.

I am a single mother of two ah-mazing, crazy ankle biters who definitely has had my share of unfair and sucky. But somehow...through grace, rising above and endurance I have figured out how to keep singing songs of praise even in the darkest of times.  My hope, my prayer for you and I both during my time with this blog is to be a peaceful, uplifting reminder that we will have sucky days...and we will be okay. We will sing at midnight.