Picking Up Where I Left Off...

So many times over the last two years I have thought to myself "I should really blog about this" or something along the lines of "I need to get this out and don't want to bore everyone around me so maybe I can blog to my imaginary audience to feel better." :)

Regardless of all of the excuses I have had, now is the time. It has been almost exactly 2 years to the day since my last post and in most ways life has stayed the same. In some respect this is a good thing, but overall this is just kinda sad!

I have jump started this journey back into blogging by rereading all of my previous posts. It was eye opening to realize some of the very struggles I poured out about were still taking up residency in my life...against my wishes! And then on the more positive side, some of the deep rooted love of family, faith and my children are still very much the same too. :)

This last week has been a tremendous eye opener for me. Hurts and habits that have been so deeply rooted in my life (so deep I literally had no idea they existed) have been brought to life and I am now sifting through the details. Trying to make sense of the "why" of it all and most importantly learning how to change these learned behaviors and conquer them once and for all.

I anticipate my blogs may have a roller coaster feel of ups and downs for a while as I trudge through some of the muck. Hey, maybe all you will take away from this experience is feeling a little better about yourself and your progress in life! ;-) I'll be cool with that.

Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

BOOM! 1st Miracle DONE...In Under 5 hours!

If you read my last post you know I was waiting on some miracles to come down from above in a pretty desperate time of need...

Well, one specific needed miracle was child care for my kids twice a week. More specifically, cheap child care that can be at my house to get kids off bus until I can get home after my school.  I called and called so many different places and the cheapest I could find was $400/month for 2 days!!! What the?!  Everything else was upwards of $570+ per month.  There is just no way I can fit this in the budget, God! Hellooo?!

I was out taking the kids to visit the horsies...a daily ritual. We live in a small home built in the 1950's that sits on 40 acres of horse farm.  It is a barn co-op and there are some lovely people who come and go to care for their horses.  We just live here and let my daughter live out her dream to be living with horses. :) All the joys of barn living without the work and mucking stalls! Yeehaw!

Anyway, as we were walking in I saw a familiar face that I don't often run into.  Something told me to stop, turn around and just throw out my need and see what bites.  So, I did exactly that.  Ready for this?!

There is one other small home just a hop skip and a jump from ours on the back of the property.  This womans mother just moved in and is terribly lonely...and looking to feel useful.  :-D  We discussed the details and not only can she but her daughter said she is going to be so excited to have something to give her a sense of community, worth and contribution! So, I will pay her a fraction of the daycare costs and she is pumped about it! 

Not only did I get blessed but our need ended up blessing someone else financially and emotionally!  Instead of Hellllo God???  I need to be saying Helloooooo God!!!!!

I posted my need exacly 5 hours ago to the minute. Crazy the way he works.  Grateful.  thank you, Lord, for your promises!