The Fricken Facebook Freaks, Man!

Let's face it... we are all somewhat guilty (some of us more than others!) of carefully staging our Facebooks accounts.  You so know what I mean.  Only the stuff that makes us appear happy, whimsical and if goofy, it must be the cute, adorable kind. How often do we say "Aww, look at my muffin top there! I bet so many more people can relate to me now!"  Um, no.

I am admitting I fall into this category as well. I'm faster than the Kenyans in the Olympics when I see that a friend has posted a less than stunning photo of me! Boom! Gone! Holy crap, that makes my heart sink!

Then there are the nights (cough, cough, like this one) where you feel you might combust if you look at one more happy engagement announcement, birth or exotic vacation others proudly plaster across Facebook for all to drool over.  Now, don't get me wrong here, I genuinely enjoy when good things come to others. Especially those I love. But, can we admit sometimes Facebook is just fake and leaves us feeling like everyone else has their poo sooo together that we look like the house of rejects? 

Sometimes I ponder starting a Facebook challenge.  A movement of sorts.  The only problem is I don't think there would be enough people willing to take the risk.

What if you saw a photo of that one person you swear has a picture perfect life completely disheveled and in their natural state.  The real deal. Maybe no make up and perfect poses to accentuate their beauty points and hide any possible flaw.  What if the girl you feel you can't ever measure up to posts about her muffin top!  What if everyone just got real for a day.

Can ya imagine the awesomeness. I picture it a little like this: "Weeeehoooo! I just farted so dang loud and nasty I cleared out the whole house!"  or maybe "I haven't brushed my teeth in a good 4 days."  Maybe a day when all women choose to embrace flaws and post a pic of themselves with no make up. Taking off the masks and allowing some vulnerability and truth.

We are so busy keeping up with one another in all departments, (clothing, beauty, hair tricks, freakin' Pinterest recipes and DIY junk.)  Are we really doing this for our own enjoyment and satisfaction?  Would it still be something you would spend hours on if you couldn't post it to Instagram, Facebook Twitter and your blog for all to see?!

I have always been the pretty girl. ...please, let me finish before writing me off...hold on!  It's all I've really ever been known for or at least noticed for.  So, I have always felt this need to play into others' expectations.  If I wasn't playing up the perfect looks and body than what was I really good for anyway?  Give the people what they want and deem valuable, right?

Well, a lot has changed and I find myself challenged to accept myself in a less than perfect state.  Illness has changed my appearance in many negative ways, taking away what I have found as my worth.  Sure, I can load up the make up and dress very strategically to pull of "I've still got it" but why in the world do I want to be that girl?

I have awful acne scars, I have gained enough weight to earn myself a nice jiggly muffin top of my own and 9x out of 10 I am looking like a complete bum (unless I know someones is looking, of course). 

Perhaps I'm too chicken myself to go through with the challenge, I really don't know. But, I do know I am tired of comparing myself to the seemingly perfect world of Facebook beauty, happiness and freakin' Martha Stewarts.  Seriously?   I mean are these chicks for real?

What I do know...1. I do have much more to offer than the package it is all rolled up into.  And I need to surround myself with those who love me muffin top and all. 2.  I can compare myself to these Facebook showcases or just realize we all have flaws and love my little humble life. 3. Comparison is the thief of joy.  There is no way to be content in your own life if you are constantly comparing what you don't have to what other "seem" to have. 

What are your thoughts? Do you experience this?  Are you willing to admit you feed into the madness? 

Just Sitting In My Granny Panties...

...and a hoodie... On my couch... ...eating tasteless oatmeal... ...and thinking about how sexy I am.

Just thought I'd share that little nugget with you all.  Happy Friday.  You're welcome.

 

 

 

 

Feel That Tug?!

Do you ever have days your heart is so heavy for another person you feel their pain?  What about feeling so heavy for another yet you have no idea why? You just wake up feeling a pull toward them or a curiosity about their well-being. Unexplainable.  Just something deep down in your gut.

This morning is one of those mornings.  A person, so heavy on my heart it hurts.  And I have no idea why.  Just a pull, a pain, a tug toward loving them at that particular moment.

I always try to listen to those tugs.  To call or text that person and tell them you are thinking of them. Or you love them. Or whatever that nagging feeling might be.

Is anyone tugging at you today? Anyone you can bless with a pick me up message?  An "I Love you"?

Beautiful Distractions...

Every now and then I have these days I just want to tuck in my pocket and keep close everywhere I go. Just so I can pull them back out on the tough days and feel their warmth and promise.

Today was an ordinary day.  If anything, could have been set up to be challenging, frustrating or even just kinda bla.

It was a rainy day (admission...kinda love those every now and then) I had a sick little boy home from school Monday and now again for a second day.  This means Mommy missed school too which is much rougher to recover from than his missed work in the 1st grade.

I had a bunch of Math work to catch up on which is the single most stressful event in my life.  I absolutely loathe math.

So, trying to focus and wrap my brain around why some looney toon decided to add letters into math I have a little 6 year old playing Legos next to me.  "Hey Mom, look!  I made a space ship! ...Oh, Mom!  Now it's a boat!"  And on and on with the interruptions...

In that moment I am grateful for the peace I felt.  The happiness I experienced.  I got to spend 2 days of one on one time with my son.  The main man in my life. I got to have him trot alongside trips to the grocery store, the post office, and make car, boat and who knows what kind of sounds as I trudged through my homework.

What a joy.  Sure, any other day I could have easily found this a terribly annoying distraction but not today. I got to make memories.  Let my son know how much I enjoy him and drink it all in.

Life is rough around here and I know someday the hard work will pay off.  I'll look back on these days, proud.  Proud that Mommy demonstrated hard work in trying times. Proud of my children for loving their imperfect Mommy in the most beautiful, pure way.

I am so grateful for this life. 

My Psalm

This was a part of a writing assignment I did this morning in a small group leaders meeting.  Writing your own Psalm to our God.  Given specific outlines to follow you fill in your own thoughts...here is my personal love letter to Christ.

Lord, thank you for your promises
Your grace is unmatchable
Your mercy unfailing
In my life, you are my song at midnight

Your grace is unmatchable
Lord, you are my hope
In my life, you are my song at midnight
You have pulled me out of my wandering and put me on a solid path

Lord, you are my hope
Your mercy is unfailing
You have pulled me out of my wandering and set me on a solid path
Lord, thank you for your promises

I understand we do not all share the same beliefs.  Some may not understand the grace and mercy I have come to depend on in Christ. My prayer for you is that you would open just a sliver of your heart to him and ask him to reveal some of these truths to you. It is truly a "peace that passes all understanding"

Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

My Kitchen is A Complete Wreck...And I Couldn't be Happier.

For the last few days I have been flying around the house prepping it just so.  Tweaking each and every little detail until I felt it was just right.  Cleaning every nook and cranny, wrapping up long lost projects that sat staring at me for months, putting on the perfect soft music and lighting the yummy scented candles. 

And now, it is all a complete mess.  Dishes piled head high in the sink.  Kids playroom thoroughly "played" in.  Cups and plates strewn across the backyard. Dirt tracked through the kitchen. Furniture moved and misplaced.

...And I'm just all smiles.

Last night I hosted a small group/bible study in my home for the first time.  Over the last few weeks I would sit in church listening to the Pastor boast about becoming a small group host and what a blessing it would be.  All I know is that every time the subject came up, this feeling just washed over me. Tugged at my heart.  So, I took baby steps.  Went to an orientation...Asked 1 friend if she would commit to joining (assuming she would be the ONLY friend joining!...sat on my hands a while trying to think of excuses why I shouldn't go through with it...then just jumped in.  Send out tons of invites and decided I was to be obedient and fully immerse myself in this experience.

I got so excited each time someone would RSVP that they were coming.  Could it be that people actually think I can pull this off?!  Oh my.  Pressure.  But it was an exciting pressure.  One that propelled me forward, encouraged me.

As people began to show up my insecurities decided to peek out and make me doubt ...oh goodness, they are going to laugh at how small my house is...I wonder if they realize how slanted the foundation is in here...are they wishing they had chosen a different group? I just decided to knock off the self trash talkin' and welcome each individual with a hug and a smile. 

7 adults and 7 children made their way through my doors last night.  Most people did not know each other prior to our meeting. One of our guests was Deaf and another Hard of Hearing. I was nervous to see how or if everyone could blend.  Would our Deaf guest feel left out?  Would our hearing guests be uncomfortable? Little did I have to worry...God was in this place...and we busted down the language barriers. 

Each and every one of us took our turns laughing, joking, sharing and just enjoying each other.  Connecting.  It was a beautiful sight.  I couldn't believe I almost turned away from this commitment.

At the conclusion of our evening together the dynamic had shifted.  We had officially gelled.  We became a mini community. I was honored to share my home with these new friends.

So, now I am off to (for the first time ever) clean up my mess of a house...with a smile.  This home is built for love.  And love happened here last night.

Small house...Big Heart...Plenty of Room.  Come on in.