Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About...

I gotta say...dating sucks.  I am not a fan.  I'd go for stability any day.

With that said, I must drudge through this complicated process if I'd like to make it to that nice, solid stability. Darn it.

I can be rather picky with dating. I do not feel the need to have someone by my side at all times so I can avoid being alone.  I'd rather be alone than waste my time, energy and love on some dude.

Anyway, the good stuff... I met a lovely man a while back and he asked me out a couple of months ago.  We have been dating here and there during that time and I really enjoy him.  Has a lot to offer as a man of integrity, compassion, craves a family, loves the Lord and a complete goofball.  Lots of great stuff in a totally adorable package...which is definitely a cause for a snarky grin. ;-) Yummy.

OK, back on track...focus, lady. Focus. 

A few thing have bothered me over our time together that I couldn't shake.  I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get some answers and figure out how I feel about said answers.  I was mostly uncomfortable with the strong feeling he was still dating other people leaving me to feel slighted and a bit devalued at this point.  He had my full attention, I wanted his.

Over our 4 hours of chit chat I learned a lot. Most of which tugged at my heart and I found myself pulled closer to him, wanting to let myself fall for him.  But that wall I built kept me safely on my side of the table, listening.

Finally, I got what I had come for.  He is very honest and I respect that of him very much.  He explained he is still seeing one other woman and is still trying to figure out what to do at this point. I was grateful for the truth.

 I had a wild thought and asked him "How would you feel if I told you to please pursue the other woman and see that relationship through apart from me? I would like to know that if she is right for you, then she is right for you.  But if you miss me, crave me, like I do you, then end things with her and please come to me with your full attention."  He was shocked. Oddly enough (as men are) I gained his respect and really grabbed his attention with my bold approach. I stood up for my value which I believe is worth someones full attention.  Not to mention my babies I need to guard as well.

He said he would of course not love the idea but would absolutely respect my decision.  I moved the conversation to the next subject and left the little threat wafting through the thick air above out table.  I'm pretty sure he was thrown a bit. I doubt he gets told 'no' very often by women.

We continued our very enjoyable time and we walked all flirty and smiley back to his car.  This whole time my proposition swirling around in my noggin.  Doubting if I am brave enough for that kind of boldness.  Would I regret it?  As we pull into to where my car was parked I forced the words out of my mouth before I could change my mind. "Um, My fear is that I will regret this, however, I feel you need to see things through with the other woman before you and I could continue a relationship."  There. It was out. I said it.  Now his reaction...Eek!

He stayed calm, his face twisted but he was kind and respectful as he said he would be.  He asked if it would be ok that he call and check in on me every once and a while and with knots doubling and tripling in my stomach I stood my ground. Oh I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know he still thought of me and I envisioned seeing his name pop up on my phone and the smile it brings to my face. But, no. I explained it would be more of a tease for me and I needed to focus on my family and school if he needed to pursue another relationship. He agreed with respect.

We were at my car and I made a joke to lighten the mood and show him I still enjoy him.  He took my hand and walked me to my car. Grabbing my waist, pulls me close and says "I'm still kissing you right now."  And all I could mutter was something along the lines of yes, please. Oh I enjoy his kisses. I stumbled to my car and started it up, turning to him one last time. Giving him a sweet kiss and just staring at his sad and confused-trying-to-smile face. He said he would get this figured out, and quickly.  I smiled a gentle smile and said ok. I turned away and off we went.

I felt on top of the world. I knew I'd miss him but I was learning to stand up for myself and demand what I feel I deserve. (This has never been easy for me) I was soaring with pride.  Reiterating to myself...if he doesn't come back then I know he doesn't value me the way I want and deserve to be valued...If he does...oh, boy I'll be stoked! 

I want someone who needs me.  Who craves me. Who would do whatever it took to be sure I was his. I know how I love. Freely, wholly and wildly.  I want to make a man a king. To know in the depths of his soul he is loved, protected and prayed over. I guess I don't have a 'half way' button.  I'm either all in or all out.

Of course today I wondered and doubted my decisions like a dork, but I still believe I made the right call. Adrenaline rush gone and I was searching for my Wonder woman Cape I had been flying with the day before.

It was a tough and scary decision, but I still believe it was the right one.

So, cheers to screwed up dating!

Happy 29th Birthday, You're Menopausal! Whaaat?!!!

I never thought that for my 29th Birthday I'd be given the gift of Menopause.

For about a year I have been struggling with seemingly random health junk.  Nothing life threatening but sucky crap.

Here is some of the list of fun: (Not for the weak tummy friends! It's about to get sexy up in here)
-Severe Acne
-Skin Discoloration
-High Blood Pressure
-Rapid Weight Gain
-Abdominal Pain
-Non Stop Bleeding/Inability to have regular cycle
-Frequent Urination (Like 3-4x per night!)
-Severe Constipation (yummy, right)
-Inability to conceive naturally (this I learned after diagnosis)

These are just the more substantial issues I have been dealing with this lovely 28th year of life.  After consulting a few doctors I finally found answers.  I have a bad case of Endometriosis as well as Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

This meant up to 16+ pills daily and surgery to alleviate pain.  I have awful scarring across my whole face from the painful battles with acne. My once bright and bouncy skin is now ravaged, wrinkled up and dry because of all of the harsh creams. It ain't cute.

I feel like these issues have taken over and I'm left a mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointmet to be injected with the medication Lupron.  This will put me into a menopausal state for 6 months.  You realize what this means right?  Hot Flashes. Mood Swings. Batcrap Crazy!  There is a pill called Norethin Ace you are supposed to take daily to reduce side effects but I just feel I am in for an awful experience. (Should be AWESOME for the new relationship in my life. He is going to run for the hills!!!)

The idea is that my internal organs cannot heal as long as I continue to have a cycle.  Everything will be shut down for 6 months to give it time to get healthy again.

I have been researching reviews about experiences with Lupron and it is horrifying some of the things I read. Although there are some positive reviews, the awful ones are just disturbing and seem to appear more frequently.

I am scared.  I feel this is something I need to do though.

Any bit of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I am alone up here and quietly wish I had someone to drag along with me tomorrow.  Even as I write that it brings tears to my eyes.  I am just so afraid of screwing my body up even more.  It has been so difficult this last year to deal with all of this unpleasant, gross and embarassing crap. Don't even get me started on what it does to your confidence as a single-trying-to-date mom. :-/

Menopause...here I come.

Dating. What the?!

I admit.  Back in "my day" I was pretty good at snaggin' dates, being flirty and having a great time. But my goodness, the dating game has changed! I have been divorced a little over 4 years now and I've come to the conclusion that ... I am clueless about how this all works!

I'd like to know the "rules" of dating these days. Or at least your take on them.

I'm finding myself going back and forth about how I feel regarding dating more than one person at a time thing.  I tend to favor only dating one person at a time.  It is just too hard to keep all of the info, names and details straight! I feel if you believe someone is worth your time you should give them your full attention to give it a fair go. This way you know quicker if your wasting your time and truly gave yourself in full. If it doesn't work out then you know you gave it your all and you move on!  No?

And then how do you feel about the other person dating more than just you?  Technically they aren'y your boyfriend yet so they can do what they want...but what about someone feeling like you are enough to see through one way or another?  Am I too old fashioned?

Dating as an adult...and especially an adult with 2 children?  Insert crazy, confused look on my face!

Help!

Big Fat Scary Step of Faith...or Stupidity?

A few months ago I found out that my 2 kids and I were going to need to move out of our comfy little home where we dwelled in the lovely, cushy bubble of suburbia complete with close together matching houses and the only home we have known here living in Georgia.  I felt like my world was falling apart and to be quite honest, I had flashes of the future with my poor little family homeless and begging. (ok, so I knew it would go THAT far but I was pretty scared)

We don't have much extra income (or really any) so I was nervous how I was going to swing moving costs, deposits, a truck and even people to help! My family is all in a different state and I don't have much help around here in that respect.

Anyway, I had a minor (somewhat major, but who's counting) breakdown until I decided I had to find peace and kick this problems rear end like I knew I could do.  I started the dreaded house hunting process and everything I found was wayyyy off from what we wanted and were accustomed to. I was fighting discouragement in a bad way.  I just kept telling myself that we were going to be just fine.  We always were. But that sneaky voice kept haunting me with 'yeah but this time you are in over your head, lady.' But I just kept kicking it out.

I searching Craigslist every evening when the kids went to bed. Each night, nothing.  Until one night... it was a Thursday and I had come to know each new postting by sight since I check so frequently.  Well, that Thursday night I saw one new post...it read... "Farm House"  Hmmm... It was just enough to grab my curiosity.  I clicked thinking it would just be something to look at.

I fell in love.

This cute little red house that sat on 40 acres of...wait for it...a horse ranch. What you may not know is that I have a little 5 year old daughter who has a passion for growing up to become a horse trainer.  I thought it would be a fleeting phase but it has stuck since about 18 months and only gets stronger!

My thoughts went immediately to her and what a blessing this could be. I knew riding lessons were going to be too costly for me but this...this could be a crazy, wild fun adventure.  I thought all the searching must have drivin me to insanity becasue I was emailing a man about living on a farm.  (Did I mention I grew up in Orange County, California...yeah...not exactly a farm kind of girl! ...or so I thought)

Anyway, we set up an appointment and the guy was very straight foreward that he had a ton of interest and he was looking for a specific type of family.  (I put on my charm...insert little wink here!) Before you knew it...we had a deal and I was handing him a check!

VERY quickly all I could think about was holyyyyy crap WHAT did I just do?! A farm.  Living on a farm. Oh, self, you have really done it this time!  But truth is, I sort of craved the idea of my kids learning hard work and becoming independent and not afraid to get a little dirty and muck a stall full of poop! (There are plenty of kids I wish I could force to do this with!)

Well, God showed up and provided.  A chain went through my church that there was a single mom in need of help on that coming Saturday...oh yeah...it was a record high of 107 degrees that day. I thought for no one would be crazy enough to sacrifice their Saturday to come help a stranger move on a record setting day of heat!  I was wrong...

Most all of these people I had never me until they showed up with tools and a smile to help me move.

A steady train of strangers and friends coming and going constantly with gracious hearts.

And then I found this... the only item left in the home from the previous owner.  A fortune that read: "Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones." I finally took a deep breath and smiled.

Being a single parent comes with a great deal of pressure if you are trying to be a good one! Where will I choose to raise my family. Is this the right school to form my childrens futures? Is this the right neighborhood for them to flourish? Or in my case... Should I move us all to a farm and pray for the best?!

We have been in our new farm house for about a month and a half now.  School just started and I was still looking for some kind of confirmation that I wasn't dragging my kids off on some nutso adventure that I would end up regretting badly.  Well, this week I got my confirmation.

I watched as my kids ran back and forth with excitement to get carrots to feed all of the horses who know them now and come to eagerly to the sound of their tiny voices. Knowing treat are to come! Waiting on the bus I saw what I had been hoping for. It was working. They were loving this new life and soaking up every bit of what I secretly wished for.  Joy. Love. Compassion. Playing outdoors. Taking care of the animals. Bonding. Nature hikes.  It was working. I had done it.  They both have expressed to me this week that mama made a great choice for our new home. *Sigh*

This is our bus stop in the front yard. Both kids with backpacks feeding horrses while waiting to go to school. Memories that will shape them and leave lasting imprints. <3

Nature scavenger hunts with a cutie I've been dating. (maybe more to come on that one at another time!) Boys vs Girls...

Boys won. Of course. Turds.

This has no part to this story whatsoever. It just melts my heart. :-D

I guess I shared this to vent, to encourage, the be appreciative, to give hope.  Something I thought was life-ruining turned out to be one of the biggest, fattest, scariest decisions...that was nothing short of incredible.

So, feel free to come and visit...just bring a bag of carrots!