The Fricken Facebook Freaks, Man!

Let's face it... we are all somewhat guilty (some of us more than others!) of carefully staging our Facebooks accounts.  You so know what I mean.  Only the stuff that makes us appear happy, whimsical and if goofy, it must be the cute, adorable kind. How often do we say "Aww, look at my muffin top there! I bet so many more people can relate to me now!"  Um, no.

I am admitting I fall into this category as well. I'm faster than the Kenyans in the Olympics when I see that a friend has posted a less than stunning photo of me! Boom! Gone! Holy crap, that makes my heart sink!

Then there are the nights (cough, cough, like this one) where you feel you might combust if you look at one more happy engagement announcement, birth or exotic vacation others proudly plaster across Facebook for all to drool over.  Now, don't get me wrong here, I genuinely enjoy when good things come to others. Especially those I love. But, can we admit sometimes Facebook is just fake and leaves us feeling like everyone else has their poo sooo together that we look like the house of rejects? 

Sometimes I ponder starting a Facebook challenge.  A movement of sorts.  The only problem is I don't think there would be enough people willing to take the risk.

What if you saw a photo of that one person you swear has a picture perfect life completely disheveled and in their natural state.  The real deal. Maybe no make up and perfect poses to accentuate their beauty points and hide any possible flaw.  What if the girl you feel you can't ever measure up to posts about her muffin top!  What if everyone just got real for a day.

Can ya imagine the awesomeness. I picture it a little like this: "Weeeehoooo! I just farted so dang loud and nasty I cleared out the whole house!"  or maybe "I haven't brushed my teeth in a good 4 days."  Maybe a day when all women choose to embrace flaws and post a pic of themselves with no make up. Taking off the masks and allowing some vulnerability and truth.

We are so busy keeping up with one another in all departments, (clothing, beauty, hair tricks, freakin' Pinterest recipes and DIY junk.)  Are we really doing this for our own enjoyment and satisfaction?  Would it still be something you would spend hours on if you couldn't post it to Instagram, Facebook Twitter and your blog for all to see?!

I have always been the pretty girl. ...please, let me finish before writing me off...hold on!  It's all I've really ever been known for or at least noticed for.  So, I have always felt this need to play into others' expectations.  If I wasn't playing up the perfect looks and body than what was I really good for anyway?  Give the people what they want and deem valuable, right?

Well, a lot has changed and I find myself challenged to accept myself in a less than perfect state.  Illness has changed my appearance in many negative ways, taking away what I have found as my worth.  Sure, I can load up the make up and dress very strategically to pull of "I've still got it" but why in the world do I want to be that girl?

I have awful acne scars, I have gained enough weight to earn myself a nice jiggly muffin top of my own and 9x out of 10 I am looking like a complete bum (unless I know someones is looking, of course). 

Perhaps I'm too chicken myself to go through with the challenge, I really don't know. But, I do know I am tired of comparing myself to the seemingly perfect world of Facebook beauty, happiness and freakin' Martha Stewarts.  Seriously?   I mean are these chicks for real?

What I do know...1. I do have much more to offer than the package it is all rolled up into.  And I need to surround myself with those who love me muffin top and all. 2.  I can compare myself to these Facebook showcases or just realize we all have flaws and love my little humble life. 3. Comparison is the thief of joy.  There is no way to be content in your own life if you are constantly comparing what you don't have to what other "seem" to have. 

What are your thoughts? Do you experience this?  Are you willing to admit you feed into the madness? 

That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About...

I gotta say...dating sucks.  I am not a fan.  I'd go for stability any day.

With that said, I must drudge through this complicated process if I'd like to make it to that nice, solid stability. Darn it.

I can be rather picky with dating. I do not feel the need to have someone by my side at all times so I can avoid being alone.  I'd rather be alone than waste my time, energy and love on some dude.

Anyway, the good stuff... I met a lovely man a while back and he asked me out a couple of months ago.  We have been dating here and there during that time and I really enjoy him.  Has a lot to offer as a man of integrity, compassion, craves a family, loves the Lord and a complete goofball.  Lots of great stuff in a totally adorable package...which is definitely a cause for a snarky grin. ;-) Yummy.

OK, back on track...focus, lady. Focus. 

A few thing have bothered me over our time together that I couldn't shake.  I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get some answers and figure out how I feel about said answers.  I was mostly uncomfortable with the strong feeling he was still dating other people leaving me to feel slighted and a bit devalued at this point.  He had my full attention, I wanted his.

Over our 4 hours of chit chat I learned a lot. Most of which tugged at my heart and I found myself pulled closer to him, wanting to let myself fall for him.  But that wall I built kept me safely on my side of the table, listening.

Finally, I got what I had come for.  He is very honest and I respect that of him very much.  He explained he is still seeing one other woman and is still trying to figure out what to do at this point. I was grateful for the truth.

 I had a wild thought and asked him "How would you feel if I told you to please pursue the other woman and see that relationship through apart from me? I would like to know that if she is right for you, then she is right for you.  But if you miss me, crave me, like I do you, then end things with her and please come to me with your full attention."  He was shocked. Oddly enough (as men are) I gained his respect and really grabbed his attention with my bold approach. I stood up for my value which I believe is worth someones full attention.  Not to mention my babies I need to guard as well.

He said he would of course not love the idea but would absolutely respect my decision.  I moved the conversation to the next subject and left the little threat wafting through the thick air above out table.  I'm pretty sure he was thrown a bit. I doubt he gets told 'no' very often by women.

We continued our very enjoyable time and we walked all flirty and smiley back to his car.  This whole time my proposition swirling around in my noggin.  Doubting if I am brave enough for that kind of boldness.  Would I regret it?  As we pull into to where my car was parked I forced the words out of my mouth before I could change my mind. "Um, My fear is that I will regret this, however, I feel you need to see things through with the other woman before you and I could continue a relationship."  There. It was out. I said it.  Now his reaction...Eek!

He stayed calm, his face twisted but he was kind and respectful as he said he would be.  He asked if it would be ok that he call and check in on me every once and a while and with knots doubling and tripling in my stomach I stood my ground. Oh I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know he still thought of me and I envisioned seeing his name pop up on my phone and the smile it brings to my face. But, no. I explained it would be more of a tease for me and I needed to focus on my family and school if he needed to pursue another relationship. He agreed with respect.

We were at my car and I made a joke to lighten the mood and show him I still enjoy him.  He took my hand and walked me to my car. Grabbing my waist, pulls me close and says "I'm still kissing you right now."  And all I could mutter was something along the lines of yes, please. Oh I enjoy his kisses. I stumbled to my car and started it up, turning to him one last time. Giving him a sweet kiss and just staring at his sad and confused-trying-to-smile face. He said he would get this figured out, and quickly.  I smiled a gentle smile and said ok. I turned away and off we went.

I felt on top of the world. I knew I'd miss him but I was learning to stand up for myself and demand what I feel I deserve. (This has never been easy for me) I was soaring with pride.  Reiterating to myself...if he doesn't come back then I know he doesn't value me the way I want and deserve to be valued...If he does...oh, boy I'll be stoked! 

I want someone who needs me.  Who craves me. Who would do whatever it took to be sure I was his. I know how I love. Freely, wholly and wildly.  I want to make a man a king. To know in the depths of his soul he is loved, protected and prayed over. I guess I don't have a 'half way' button.  I'm either all in or all out.

Of course today I wondered and doubted my decisions like a dork, but I still believe I made the right call. Adrenaline rush gone and I was searching for my Wonder woman Cape I had been flying with the day before.

It was a tough and scary decision, but I still believe it was the right one.

So, cheers to screwed up dating!

Home.

Last night I made the 2 hour drive to drop the kids off with their dad for his 1 night every two weeks with the kids.  Don't get me started.

So, recently both their father and I had found ourselves moving into new homes just one weekend apart so the kids had a lot of adjustments going on. Their dad is remarried to his third wife.  I was number 2.  The kids seem to be ok with their stepmother so I am very glad for that.

Unfortunately he has ever had much involvement with the kids. Other than his court ordered child support and 2 nights a month (and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a month) that's it. Your typically "fun dad" who has no rules and sends them home exhausted, hungry and filthy.

The kids are not 5 and 7 and starting to understand the difference in roles between their parents. My son, the 7 year old has for about a year now expressed grief over having to go to his fathers.  And now the little one is beginning the same pattern. 

Although when we moved it was to someone elses 40 acre horse farm (woo hoo) our home was going to be quite an adjustment. Maybe 900sf, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom built in the 1950s and some parts definitely scream "I am 60+ years old!" None of the doors shut properly, the foundation slants terribly, unusually low ceilings, the whole dang house is just wonky.  Oh, and the ants. We lost a whole pantry to the ants. But it save me a few hundred dollars a month and I was praying the lifestyle would redeem the step down we were making home-wise.

Well, you can imagine my surprise (and embarrassed to admit, horror) when I learned dad's new house was also farmlike...except... Daddy's new place was 5,600sf, 6 private acres with 2 lakes and a new SUV purchased just for off road adventures. Oh and "Kids! We are going to let you pick out your own farm animals and build all kinds of awesome chicken coups and treehouses!" -Insert dejected mom face here-

I need to be shamefully honest here. I was scared. I was scared that all dad's bells and whisles would make my kids want to live at Daddy's, to be less grateful for what I had worked so hard at providing and to flat out leave Mommy and my wonky house in the dust. My insecurities started screaming. "You can't compete with that!" "It is going to be 'Mommy who?!'"  "You aren't worth enough for them to want to stay with you when they could have all of that."

Now, anyone who knows me at all knows I am not defined by things. Things don't impress me much to tell ya the truth.  I know people quite well who have lots and lots of fancy things.  And more times than not they are still searching for that something to complete them.  I'm not searching. I feel whole in my heart and no amount of money can buy that.

However, these are children.  Children are so impressionable and easy to sway with "things."  I was worried Mommy's unending love and full heart just wouldn't be enough.

Last night I drove the kids to their Dads. As usual the pleading began for me to call their dad and ask if they could just not come this time. (Yeah, that would go over like a fart in church) I knew I had to take them and there was no way out so I try my best to ease their fears and put their hearts in a comfier frame of mind.

My son said something in all of his sad pleading that hit me. He said "Mom, I just don't like Dad's house. I just want to be with you. Please!"  I had this weird mixture of sadness and curiosity.  So I inquired... He says to me "Dad's house is just too big mommy. I don't feel comfortable there. I just want to be home with you."  Home. 

Home.  I was stunned. Shocked. Ashamed to admit somewhat happy. My baby just wanted Home. It did not matter one bit about the goofy tiny house we now called home.  Mommy was home.  And it didn't matter what the 4 walls that contained us looked like.

While sharing some of these thoughts, a friend challenged my thinking... "Well, it isn't a competition, right?"  No. It isn't.  I don't need to live extravagantly and I don't need my children to value me more than their father.  I pray someday their father will become the man that they deserve in this life. I can only say that when you love how Mommys love and sacrifice how Single Mommys sacrifice, protect like a Mama Bear (even when sometimes the protecting is from the hurt left from their own father) you are going to experience some helplessness and fear that your whole world could be swept away by something like this.

The person who says they have no insecurities is a person full of poo.  Simple as that.  When you allow yourself to invest in love like this, it is as scary as crap. 

It hurts me to my core to know my son has fear of his father and both of my children experience insecurity and grief when it is time to visit. The tearful phone calls. The pleading to come and get them. But I am comforted to know that I must be doing something right.