Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

My Kitchen is A Complete Wreck...And I Couldn't be Happier.

For the last few days I have been flying around the house prepping it just so.  Tweaking each and every little detail until I felt it was just right.  Cleaning every nook and cranny, wrapping up long lost projects that sat staring at me for months, putting on the perfect soft music and lighting the yummy scented candles. 

And now, it is all a complete mess.  Dishes piled head high in the sink.  Kids playroom thoroughly "played" in.  Cups and plates strewn across the backyard. Dirt tracked through the kitchen. Furniture moved and misplaced.

...And I'm just all smiles.

Last night I hosted a small group/bible study in my home for the first time.  Over the last few weeks I would sit in church listening to the Pastor boast about becoming a small group host and what a blessing it would be.  All I know is that every time the subject came up, this feeling just washed over me. Tugged at my heart.  So, I took baby steps.  Went to an orientation...Asked 1 friend if she would commit to joining (assuming she would be the ONLY friend joining!...sat on my hands a while trying to think of excuses why I shouldn't go through with it...then just jumped in.  Send out tons of invites and decided I was to be obedient and fully immerse myself in this experience.

I got so excited each time someone would RSVP that they were coming.  Could it be that people actually think I can pull this off?!  Oh my.  Pressure.  But it was an exciting pressure.  One that propelled me forward, encouraged me.

As people began to show up my insecurities decided to peek out and make me doubt ...oh goodness, they are going to laugh at how small my house is...I wonder if they realize how slanted the foundation is in here...are they wishing they had chosen a different group? I just decided to knock off the self trash talkin' and welcome each individual with a hug and a smile. 

7 adults and 7 children made their way through my doors last night.  Most people did not know each other prior to our meeting. One of our guests was Deaf and another Hard of Hearing. I was nervous to see how or if everyone could blend.  Would our Deaf guest feel left out?  Would our hearing guests be uncomfortable? Little did I have to worry...God was in this place...and we busted down the language barriers. 

Each and every one of us took our turns laughing, joking, sharing and just enjoying each other.  Connecting.  It was a beautiful sight.  I couldn't believe I almost turned away from this commitment.

At the conclusion of our evening together the dynamic had shifted.  We had officially gelled.  We became a mini community. I was honored to share my home with these new friends.

So, now I am off to (for the first time ever) clean up my mess of a house...with a smile.  This home is built for love.  And love happened here last night.

Small house...Big Heart...Plenty of Room.  Come on in.

Grieving The Loss of Man I'd Never Met RIP, Kelly McKay

Today I had the honor of standing among hundreds of beautiful people who all gathered in their Sundays best to say goodbye to a very special young man.

I was at a memorial service of a man I had never met yet felt so close to.  Kelly McKay was 25 when he passed away this week.  His sister, Dana, and I had classes together last year and bonded over her love and admiration of her courageous, goofy, fun loving big brother.

Kelly had spent most of his life sick.  First cancer at the age of 4.  Another at the age of 7.  A full bone marrow transplant shortly after that. Now early into his twenties and sick again.  Dana would come in to class each day eager to share Kelly's progress with us.  We all learned to adore this guy!  Such an off beat, life loving, fun dude.  Their love was incredibly evident and inspiring.

Today I found myself walking around amongst a sea of unknown faces, all mourning the loss of somebody you just knew was a special individual.  I found myself envious of them in a strange way. Hearing their words and seeing the memorabilia.  I was wishing I had the privilege of knowing this person too!  An odd but beautiful feeling.

I looked at photos of this young boy, smiling from ear to ear, hairless.  Almost every photo Kelly was without hair from the extensive treatments he had learned to live with...with that same ear to ear smile.  I learned Kelly was not the type to live a "poor me" life or wonder why it is all so unfair.  I learned a lot from this man I had never met.  Talk about joy in the midst of struggle.

My heart shattered and I couldn't help the tears that continued to stream down my face.  His mother was being escorted to her front row seat to the most unwanted occasion a mother could ever have to attend.  This is not an occasion you want to be the one in that front row seat.

She passed us, somewhat hunched over sobbing this low groan that you knew came from the tips of her toes.  Calling out "Oh, Kelly!" as she passed our bowed heads. I could hardly contain my pain for her. A mothers ultimate worst nightmare.  The family made it to their seats and shortly after the service was underway.

The people who came up to speak were real.  Honest. Seemed like Kelly had a way of making people feel they were ok to come just as they were. Real. Honest. And that he knew how to love deeply, wholly.  They all spoke and I was gripped.  My heart felt these peoples hurt.

A young man approached the pulpit to speak about his beloved friend.  His first words wrenched my gut.  "It was the first day of 2nd grade in Mrs So and So's class and I walked around the room looking for the desk that had my name across it.  I eagerly looked to see who would be sitting next to me for the rest of the school year.  I glanced and the seat right beside me was this kid, Kelly McKay."  Immediately I pictured my son in his first grade class at school.  Wondering what his life would shape up to be.  Wondering if God would ever require me to live this agony I was experiencing Mrs. McKay experience today.  Or maybe my little boy would grow up to love and care for his sick best friend until death stole them apart.  All of the possibilities and what ifs filled my brain and I was swirling.

My sweet babies. Today, I watched a beautiful woman in the lowest, saddest moment of her life.  Wondering if it just felt surreal to her.  Having her sons body reduced to a box.  Having it placed in her arms as she walks down the aisle at the end of the service sobbing a sob only a mother can feel.  A box.  That is all she is left with.  Her first born.

I will never forget Kelly McKay.  I will never forget today.  Today I learned what a true hero looks like. A silly, beautifully bald, honest, loving young man.  I am forever moved and changed by this families love and commitment.

Thank you McKay family for allowing me to share in the celebration of Kelly's life. He continues to touch peoples hearts even after death.

 

Freakin' Control Freak!

Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning!  With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband.  Um...dude...meet Xanax!

See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney.  After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.

This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.

I admit.  My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply.  I know what this means.  Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.

Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday.  He has figured out I print them all. :)  So, I get a call at 8:30pm.  I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30.  So I let it go.  This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up!  I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast."  The calls keep coming like a crazy person.  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go.  He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!"  To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed"  Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency.  You should provide access to them 24-7"  Um, are we kidding here?

What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6?  you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary.  I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!

Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22.  Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat.  I can hear the whole conversation.  It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.

I admit I still get fearful of him.  What he may be capable of doing or getting away with.  He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between.  That's enough to make me sick!

I am beyond exhausted with this bullying.  I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.

I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting.  (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)

I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him.  To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean! 

I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw.  I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this?  Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?"  It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.

Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome!  A girl can hope, right?!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Check Your Pride At The Poop Scooper!

You've heard the expression "Check your pride at the door," right?  Well, in my case it is "Check your pride at the horse stall."

Financially times have hit rock bottom in our home. I won't go into sobby details because who cares.  It's rough, enough said.

So, lately I have been reaching out to anyone and everyone to try and drum up some additional income. In the past I've even cleaned homes of wealthy friends...literally scrubbing their toilets.  Tell me that wasn't humbling! lol

No matter what I did or who I reached out to, nothing came to be.

Well, today was definitely a first for me.  Now, you country girls and boys will look at me like a joke and I'm cool with that.  But I';m a big city girl, new to all this farm livin' stuff!

Anyway, I found myself mucking stalls and hauling poop across the pasture today for a couple of extra bucks.  I laughed and kept thinking... when my kids grow up and complain about hard work or a job not being good enough for them... oh boy, they are in for some "Back in my day I used to shovel horse crap and scrub rich schmucky toilets! Now get out there and quitchyer yappin!" HA!

Although I may have felt pretty low on the totem pole, I held my head high. An honest dollar.

That Lovely Gentleman I Was Tellin' Y'all About...

I gotta say...dating sucks.  I am not a fan.  I'd go for stability any day.

With that said, I must drudge through this complicated process if I'd like to make it to that nice, solid stability. Darn it.

I can be rather picky with dating. I do not feel the need to have someone by my side at all times so I can avoid being alone.  I'd rather be alone than waste my time, energy and love on some dude.

Anyway, the good stuff... I met a lovely man a while back and he asked me out a couple of months ago.  We have been dating here and there during that time and I really enjoy him.  Has a lot to offer as a man of integrity, compassion, craves a family, loves the Lord and a complete goofball.  Lots of great stuff in a totally adorable package...which is definitely a cause for a snarky grin. ;-) Yummy.

OK, back on track...focus, lady. Focus. 

A few thing have bothered me over our time together that I couldn't shake.  I decided it would be my birthday present to myself to get some answers and figure out how I feel about said answers.  I was mostly uncomfortable with the strong feeling he was still dating other people leaving me to feel slighted and a bit devalued at this point.  He had my full attention, I wanted his.

Over our 4 hours of chit chat I learned a lot. Most of which tugged at my heart and I found myself pulled closer to him, wanting to let myself fall for him.  But that wall I built kept me safely on my side of the table, listening.

Finally, I got what I had come for.  He is very honest and I respect that of him very much.  He explained he is still seeing one other woman and is still trying to figure out what to do at this point. I was grateful for the truth.

 I had a wild thought and asked him "How would you feel if I told you to please pursue the other woman and see that relationship through apart from me? I would like to know that if she is right for you, then she is right for you.  But if you miss me, crave me, like I do you, then end things with her and please come to me with your full attention."  He was shocked. Oddly enough (as men are) I gained his respect and really grabbed his attention with my bold approach. I stood up for my value which I believe is worth someones full attention.  Not to mention my babies I need to guard as well.

He said he would of course not love the idea but would absolutely respect my decision.  I moved the conversation to the next subject and left the little threat wafting through the thick air above out table.  I'm pretty sure he was thrown a bit. I doubt he gets told 'no' very often by women.

We continued our very enjoyable time and we walked all flirty and smiley back to his car.  This whole time my proposition swirling around in my noggin.  Doubting if I am brave enough for that kind of boldness.  Would I regret it?  As we pull into to where my car was parked I forced the words out of my mouth before I could change my mind. "Um, My fear is that I will regret this, however, I feel you need to see things through with the other woman before you and I could continue a relationship."  There. It was out. I said it.  Now his reaction...Eek!

He stayed calm, his face twisted but he was kind and respectful as he said he would be.  He asked if it would be ok that he call and check in on me every once and a while and with knots doubling and tripling in my stomach I stood my ground. Oh I wanted to say yes. I wanted to know he still thought of me and I envisioned seeing his name pop up on my phone and the smile it brings to my face. But, no. I explained it would be more of a tease for me and I needed to focus on my family and school if he needed to pursue another relationship. He agreed with respect.

We were at my car and I made a joke to lighten the mood and show him I still enjoy him.  He took my hand and walked me to my car. Grabbing my waist, pulls me close and says "I'm still kissing you right now."  And all I could mutter was something along the lines of yes, please. Oh I enjoy his kisses. I stumbled to my car and started it up, turning to him one last time. Giving him a sweet kiss and just staring at his sad and confused-trying-to-smile face. He said he would get this figured out, and quickly.  I smiled a gentle smile and said ok. I turned away and off we went.

I felt on top of the world. I knew I'd miss him but I was learning to stand up for myself and demand what I feel I deserve. (This has never been easy for me) I was soaring with pride.  Reiterating to myself...if he doesn't come back then I know he doesn't value me the way I want and deserve to be valued...If he does...oh, boy I'll be stoked! 

I want someone who needs me.  Who craves me. Who would do whatever it took to be sure I was his. I know how I love. Freely, wholly and wildly.  I want to make a man a king. To know in the depths of his soul he is loved, protected and prayed over. I guess I don't have a 'half way' button.  I'm either all in or all out.

Of course today I wondered and doubted my decisions like a dork, but I still believe I made the right call. Adrenaline rush gone and I was searching for my Wonder woman Cape I had been flying with the day before.

It was a tough and scary decision, but I still believe it was the right one.

So, cheers to screwed up dating!

I'm Pretty Sure You Aren't Supposed to Cry Like A Baby While On A Date...

Yesterday was my Birthday. :)  Happy Birthday, me.

I had a date planned with a lovely gentleman I have been dating for a couple of months now.  We sat over a nice, relaxing lunch in Midtown swapping stories, laughing, teasing and carrying on.  He had gotten up and I pulled my cell phone out to soak up all the sweet Birthday wishes via text, Facebook, etc.  I was glowing as he returned and he looked at me like I was a nut.

Quickly my glow turned to what I think must have looked like a look of concern maybe.  He begins to probe "Babe, what is wrong?"  I start to tear up and turn red. "Hun, please, what is going on? Are you ok?" Now I'm fully crying staring at the glow of my screen. I need to get to my tissues in my purse and can't quite get words out. So I just hand him my phone as I wipe my running mascara and watch his face sweep a sweet smile across and hand me my phone back.

See, a few days ago I was in a rough spot. Feeling overwhelmed by my struggles and succumbed to feeling defeated.  I post a blog entry spilling my feelings over this hardship.  Well, apparently, unknowingly to me, someone very special was reading it on the complete opposite side of the country.  Someone I know very little but have come to appreciate very much.

As I sobbed like an idiot over my lunch I read this Facebook message: (I have deleted any names for privacy.

"I have been reading your blogs lately, which are so wonderfully written! I can relate in many ways. I struggled in college with money all the time! My husband and I lived off of Del Taco, I swear! And I was raised by a single mom, so I totally understand the stress that can bring. Being a mom is hard enough, I can't imagine doing it alone. Well, after a TON of hard work, my husband and I are in a place where we can afford to help out others here and there. I logged on to Facebook today and saw it was your birthday, and I think you deserve some pampering. I know you are in Georgia, so I went to yelp and found a fabulous spa and bought you a massage. I am obsessed with massages, I hope you are too! The gift card will be sent to your email and you can print it out and take it to the spa (Please let me know if you have any problems getting it).They have several locations around Georgia so hopefully you can find one close to you. I included enough for gratuity, so you are all set. Have a wonderful birthday...and remember you are a rockstar Mama!!"

I am tearing up all over again as I read it now.

Let me tell you what this did for me...besides hook a mama up with a fancy schmancy massage that I'm super pumped about!  No, it gave me so much more. I was floored that my words, my struggles, my efforts may, just may have touched someones heart.  Someone cared about me enough to feel compassion and take action to someone they barely know. It  gave me hope, encouragement, excitement and an overwhelming humble, grateful heart.

The love and compassion shown through this angel of a woman has lifted my spirits and shown me love that I very much needed.  As a single mom there aren't many people around to pat you on the back and let you know you are doing a good job. Especially when your family is in another state and the other parent is no help and is degrading and awful. It can leave you feeling insignificant and like you are constantly runnin on empty.

All in all I wanted to share this amazing gesture, my gratitude and hope. I will surely be paying this forward the moment my situation allows me to.  I hope this inspires someone to reach out in kindness as this lovely woman did to me. :)

t.h.a.n.k.y.o.u.