Holiday Cheer...Ish.

I apologize in advance if you've stumbled upon this post as a first visit to my blog... I am typically full of optimism and silver linings... Not really today.

The holidays have been a rough spot for the last several years. Post divorce and still praying for someone to complete our family unit and fill in the little daddy shaped holes in my children's hearts.

Each year I tell myself I will celebrate and change the cycle of sad. I end up just getting through, feeling satisfied that at least I was able to keep a smile on my face and feign excitement for the kids sake. This year, unfortunately, was a repeat of the past 4.

It seemed like everyone I knew as a "single friend" had finally found their other half and were either getting hitched or announcing the engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them. But left feeling like I've just been forgotten. Or worse, not worthy.

The last few years have been rough and this past year, especially dumb. It's probably a good thing nobody came along because I'm not sure it could have even worked. Well, actually I know it wouldn't have since the one I thought was well, you know, THE one came...promised...and then went. I'm not altogether sure I'm not over that one just yet. (Who am I kidding)

I feel guilty for complaining because so many have it far worse. Trust me, I know this. I just would like to feel like my feelings matter. I understand it could be worse.

I mean, although the Waffle House staff is lovely and I enjoy spending holidays with them... I think I'm ready to move on.

I do have faith. Even with faith, it's difficult to walk the journey at times. You know something will come to you but you have no idea when, how or really anything. It wears on your strength sometimes. Holidays always getcha.

The worst part I think is that I know what I want but it isn't within reach. And possibly not even Gods plan for me. Having to make a choice of keep holding on because its so important, or let go, endure the pain and try your best to move on.

The one thing I do know is that letting go feels an awful lot like giving up. And that's one thing this girl just can't do.

...this post brought to you from the comfort of my good ole standby booth at my trusty Waffle House...

(bitter)Sweet Success

Yesterday was a life changing day for me.  I decided to go back to school at the age of 28 to give a shot at bettering my little families future.  I would study my passion, American Sign Language to become an ASL Interpreter. 

My first year was challenging as a "Non-Traditional" college student but I made it through all of the prerequisites for taking the dreaded, very much rumored about "Interview" process into "The Program."  The Program was talked about like gold in our classrooms.  One day we would all face our fears and see if we measured up to the standard of THE PROGRAM.  You see, if you make it passed your interview and get accepted, you are on an intense schooling journey toward your career goal in our field.

July 31 at 3:20pm.  I was scheduled to see if I could hang with the big kids.  I felt calm and cool but secretly thought I'd get cut for some random fatal mistake or something dumb.  We wouldn't know our fate for up to possibly a week until we would get the "congratulations" email or the "We regret to inform you" bit. I was fighting nerves.

I did the little dance and performed like a trained monkey, I wanted this so badly. I would have stood on my head had they asked.  This was my hope, our future. Our chance at a better life.  I left feeling fairly confident but petrified at the same time.  What's done was done and know it was in their hands.

I prayed that God would clear the path for me if it was meant to be and take my worry and help me find peace.  Funny enough, it worked!  I put the anxiety behind me and pulled up the big girl panties.

So, of course, I was checking my email contantly eventhough I was positive they would make me wait until the last minute of the week deadline.  Well, to my surprise...It was in my inbox.  Today.  Merely 24 hours after my interview.  My heart literally started pounding out of my chest.  My body got hot and flushed and I thought I was going to cry.

And there it was...Congratulations!!! I was in!  I had done it! My kids were on the floor watching tv as my life changed forever. They were clueless as to what this meant for us and I was just sitting there about to explode in happy tears!  i picked up the phone and called my mom instantly. I needed to feel supported. I needed someone to care. I needed to matter.  Of course, mom was amazing. She giggled when I giggled and ohhhhhhed and ahhhhhhed all at the appropriate times.  My mom is wonderful like that.  I immediately climbed on Facebook and announced it to the world waiting for all of the kind words to flood my soul.  They did and it was so satisfying.

But then a few minutes go by and I'm feeling the excitement wear down a bit and a little sadness creep in.  I was walking around my house just lonely.  This was one of those moments where being a single mom (or just single, I guess) sucks. From the bottom of my soul I wanted someone to look at me, proud and throw their arms around me to celebrate.  Maybe even a nice dinner to make it special. But none of that happened. The day went on with sibling fights, trash needing to be taken out, dinner to be served and so on. I put the kids to bed and just fought the feeling of emptiness. Sometimes a wonderful event loses it's sparkle without someone to share it with.

I always end up giving myself the pep talk that convinces myself I'm just fine. It goes something like this... "You don't NEED someone, self.  You're ok.  One day when someone is there you will appreciate all the better!  Just let your pride in yourself be enough for right now and keep plugging along.  One day at a time and kick some booty while doing it!!!"

As much as I believe this is good advice and will follow it soon...right now it just sucks. I'm just not there yet. Maybe tomorrow will be a new mercy and I will tackle the blues and move on.  But, for tonight it's a sad face and pity party of 1.