Snarglebarf...

...means I have no words...

Tonight my heart was rocked. 

An email came to me through the women I volunteer with at church saying there was a single mom with 5 children who had landed on some difficult times and would not be able to provide gifts for her children this Christmas.

This familiar deep deep rooted mixture of wild emotions washed over me and I knew I had to jump in both feet first.

See, for the past 2 years I have been in her shoes. I am a single mom and first time college student, trying desperately to earn a better life for my family.  If we couldnt afford to barely keep up with rent or a new coat during the winter, Christmas gifts were surely out of the question.

I have looked my (then) 6 year old son in the face and as gently as Ipossibly could, explained that we would not be exchanging gifts that year but that I knew his grandparents would do their best to try an make is special with a few things when we got down there. (Still wasn't sure how I was going to buy the gas to actually get them there)

My son looked me in the eye and without budging said :It's ok, mommy. I'm okay with just a few things from Grandma and Papa. Mom, do you want to have my money from my piggy bank? You can have it!" 

I just cried happy tears that my boy was learning what is really important in this life. Not the gifts and shiny things, but love. Family. Compassion. Grace. My heart was overflowing.

Even now I'm not sure how we will make it through the holidays but that is not even on my worry radar screen. God has been so merciful and gracious to my little family.

I am mostly excited (like ridiculously excited) to play a small role in knowing the joy, the love that this other single mom will get to experience when her whole list is completely filled by strangers who support her! THAT is the good stuff.  THAT is Christmas.  THAT is love.  ove should be a verb. You DO love. SHOW love. BE love.

This, my friends, is what I live for. What an incredibly meaningful night.

I am so grateful that I am learning how to live a joyous life through loving and serving others. It is truly unlike anything I have ever known.

My Psalm

This was a part of a writing assignment I did this morning in a small group leaders meeting.  Writing your own Psalm to our God.  Given specific outlines to follow you fill in your own thoughts...here is my personal love letter to Christ.

Lord, thank you for your promises
Your grace is unmatchable
Your mercy unfailing
In my life, you are my song at midnight

Your grace is unmatchable
Lord, you are my hope
In my life, you are my song at midnight
You have pulled me out of my wandering and put me on a solid path

Lord, you are my hope
Your mercy is unfailing
You have pulled me out of my wandering and set me on a solid path
Lord, thank you for your promises

I understand we do not all share the same beliefs.  Some may not understand the grace and mercy I have come to depend on in Christ. My prayer for you is that you would open just a sliver of your heart to him and ask him to reveal some of these truths to you. It is truly a "peace that passes all understanding"

The Hurt That Settles In And Stays A While...

Have you ever heard someone say something like this... "Ok, so it was just emotional abuse.  He didn't lay a hand on you, did he?!  Cause if he did...!!!"  I cringe when I hear statements like this.  It actually sends creepy chills down my spine.  Let me explain...

So often we are too quick to dismiss the damage and scars left from mental and emotional abuse. We see the bruises from the physical so yes, it is shocking.  But bruises and wounds heal. The true trauma of even a physically abused women is what it does to her mental and emotional state.  The fear, anxiety, anticipation of the next blow...this is what lingers and hinders her from living a healthy, normal life post abuse.

I have never been hit by a man and I will not even attempt to say that I understand this feeling.  My best friend from childhood has been beaten so badly we thought she would not make it on several occasions. Still to this day she bears awful scars across her face and body from countless attacks from her boyfriend.  Me, on the other hand, I was married to an incredibly deceitful and mentally abusive man who came close to stealing every last bit of who I was and what I had to offer. I was a shell of a human.

I sat on one side of a glass jail visitation booth and picked up the grungy phone to hear the voice of my best friend who had made a few wrong turns in her life. We sat for an hour trading stories and filling each other in on the ups and downs of the past few years.

As we continued to share there was one common thread we kept coming to, each time shaking our heads in agreement and connecting through our pain. The lingering fears of the mental abuse.

After several years of cowering, apologizing and trying to keep my head above water I decided it was time to step up for myself and my children and leave. At the advice of a counselor I agreed my children needed at least one healthy parent. And right now they had none.  With some hard work and sacrifice I was determined to heal and become the best mother I could possibly be for my children.

Although it proved to be the smartest decision of my life, unfortunately, the abuse didn't stop.  Even after 4 years of divorce I still cringe when I see his name appear in an email or call.  Always hurling insults and anything evil he can throw to hit the most vulnerable parts of my being. The man I trusted with my life, spoke my vows to, started a family with had become my living nightmare.

But here is the difference. Now, ...I have taken the control back.  You see, I let him take my dignity, my worth, my everything. Not anymore.

I have learned to find my value in the eyes of my savior. My gracious, loving Jesus. He calls me beautiful.  He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb and embraced every mistake I would ever make and loves me unconditionally. This is the love I cling to and trust now. I am safe in his love. 

There is a song that helped catapult me into trusting Christ to care for my broken self.  So much of how I relate to this life is through music.  I want to encourage you to take a moment and find healing and true love in our Heavenly (perfect) Father through this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hyefo5DXLE

"In Better Hands"It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help

Tonight, I pray that you will be delivered from your hurts, your pain and suffering. Take a chance on real love. Christ's perfect love.  Find yourself in better hands.