Snarglebarf...

...means I have no words...

Tonight my heart was rocked. 

An email came to me through the women I volunteer with at church saying there was a single mom with 5 children who had landed on some difficult times and would not be able to provide gifts for her children this Christmas.

This familiar deep deep rooted mixture of wild emotions washed over me and I knew I had to jump in both feet first.

See, for the past 2 years I have been in her shoes. I am a single mom and first time college student, trying desperately to earn a better life for my family.  If we couldnt afford to barely keep up with rent or a new coat during the winter, Christmas gifts were surely out of the question.

I have looked my (then) 6 year old son in the face and as gently as Ipossibly could, explained that we would not be exchanging gifts that year but that I knew his grandparents would do their best to try an make is special with a few things when we got down there. (Still wasn't sure how I was going to buy the gas to actually get them there)

My son looked me in the eye and without budging said :It's ok, mommy. I'm okay with just a few things from Grandma and Papa. Mom, do you want to have my money from my piggy bank? You can have it!" 

I just cried happy tears that my boy was learning what is really important in this life. Not the gifts and shiny things, but love. Family. Compassion. Grace. My heart was overflowing.

Even now I'm not sure how we will make it through the holidays but that is not even on my worry radar screen. God has been so merciful and gracious to my little family.

I am mostly excited (like ridiculously excited) to play a small role in knowing the joy, the love that this other single mom will get to experience when her whole list is completely filled by strangers who support her! THAT is the good stuff.  THAT is Christmas.  THAT is love.  ove should be a verb. You DO love. SHOW love. BE love.

This, my friends, is what I live for. What an incredibly meaningful night.

I am so grateful that I am learning how to live a joyous life through loving and serving others. It is truly unlike anything I have ever known.

Being In Need

Being in need can pretty much suck. Knowing that you aren't making the ends meet, falling short, having to admit that you alone are not enough. And of all things...to provide for you and your children.  How is it that on person can devote every fiber, bone and feeling they have toward something yet still fall short?!

Well, as often as those frustrating thoughts run through my head...sometimes I have moments like now that I cling to.  This week, being in need has provided me with more love than I think I have felt in a very very long time.

Sometimes being in need gives those who love a chance to shine.  And oh how bright and beautiful it is when they do.

This week was a particularly difficult one. Very few people knew the depths of the issues. Usually I keep people in the dark on purpose. Smile and remember to be grateful, don't bog others down with your neediness!!!

Well, a couple of situations presented themselves and I was exposed. Quite vulnerable.

What unfolded throughout the rest of the week was healing, hopeful and pure love. Friends and family coming alongside, wanting absolutely nothing in return...all because they love me.

Every now and again a realization like this works wonders on the soul.

Thank you to those people who have given us your love. I cherish it.

It's A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!

A few years back I found myself married, with all of our family on the opposite coast...wondering what to do with ourselves for this awkward Thanksgiving holiday coming up.  We couldn't travel home because of work, sooooo.....hmmm.

I come from a huge family. At least 45+ people each Thanksgiving. Every type  of turkey you can imagine and gut busting portions of all the necessary trimmings! How was I going to transition from that?

So, I had an idea. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Surely that had to be others out there with nowhere to go for this holiday! Hmmm, maybe I could open our home to those in our lives that for one reason or another would be alone during this time of family and friends!

I began to make phone calls and reach out. The response was moving. Each person that accepted the invite felt...valued. They had somewhere to be now. Somewhere they belonged. Somewhere they mattered.

That morning I was up at the butt crack of dawn fiddling with this big ole turkey. Something which I had zero experience with!  Just for fun I stuck it on our George Forman grill and took a picture of me looking confused"cooking" it and sent it to my mother! Of course she and my Grandmother believed I could be that dumb in the kitchen! Classic.

As the day went on my heart began to fill. First, a friend from my ex husbands work showed up with some quiche casserole dish...so proud that he made it himself...he took a seat at our less than impressive table. A bit later a man who was working away from his family and making a temporary home in his office strolls through hesitantly, takes a seat at the table and begins to realize he fits it. Later, a lonely soul who had burned the bridge with family comes and joins the table...and by ttime dinner was ready I walked out to find a table full of love. Acceptance. I knew this was what my home was to be from now on. Open arms.

So, obviously, I am now divorced. Each year the kids go with their dad for Thanksgiving. I tend to stick to myself and not do the big family shindig. I tried in one year post divorce without the kids and somehow all it did was magnify my loneliness.

So, this year...I'm bringing back the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and I could not be more excited! A very good friend of mine is opening up his home and we are opening our arms this holiday. I am so eager to see who ends up around our little table this year...from all different walks of life...different friends from different decades, forming new memories...together.

Maybe there is someone you could open your arms to this Thanksgiving?

Searching for Hope in Hospice

Friday night I had the honor of being asked to come and pray with a friend and her family.  The honor came in that it was in the most difficult time if their lives together as a family. Her sister had been admitted to hospice that morning and the family was in need of a miracle.

As I made the drive to the facility my mind was racing with what to possibly expect.  I have had little to no experience in these type of situations and was so afraid I'd say something completely stupid. Was I equipped to offer anything helpful to this family?

I arrived about 7:30pm and my friend met me at the entrance. She looked thin from worry, sad yet happy to see a familiar face.

She walked me in and I took note of the sanctuary, family coping rooms and other sobering realities. Deep breaths and silent prayers as I walked the halls.

I was introduced to all of the family but everything changed when I met her mother.  A sweet, short, blonde woman with puffy red eyes and a twinge of hope as she gazed at me.  It hit me as she began talking...I was the "Church friend" and could maybe, just possibly prayer that special prayer to bring her daughter back to health.  I think at this point this woman, this family was looking to anyone who could possibly help in their desperation.

I felt overwhelmed. I kept reminding myself that God can use me even if I feel incompetent.  I just need to be willing, He could use me.

We all sat and they filled me in on their loved ones steady decline. I could see their faces full of grief yet searching for a miracle. Not willing to give up.

Later I was asked if I would be comfortable entering the hospice room to pray over their family member.  She was only 43.  I was prepared for this question and knew I would do anything in my power to love them in this time. So off we went, my brave face on praying the whole time for the proper reactions and words.

Entering that room was one of the most sobering moments of my life.  To see this woman, someone so loved by her family and friends, reduced to a limp body with an oxygen mask. Unable to move, speak or communicate in any way.  My heart sank for this family.

Her mother and sister sat in chairs on either side of her as they draped their exhausted bodies over her lifeless self.  I stood behind my friend and began to beg and plead with God for a miracle. We praised him for his promises and gave our word to trust him in his decisions. Possibly easier said than done in this situation.

When we finished I found myself a hair and sat quietly, chiming in on conversation every now and then. Just trying to follow their lead and blend. Support.

We spent the rest of the evening talking, even laughing at times. I wasn't sure if I was helping in any way shape or form but I was determined to stay at my friends side until she fell asleep or kicked me out. Silently hoping maybe this would help but not all all sure how or why. So I just was. There. Sitting. Talking. Walking. Hugging. Staring. Whatever she needed.

Family came and went, said their goodbyes. I sat.

Midnight came and my friend had finally allowed herself to lay on the cot and began to get the sleepy eyed stare.  I let her know I'd stay if she needed but it looked like maybe she could actually get some rest. So I said my goodbyes and headed back home.

As I drove, the strangest feeling rose up within me. Of course you realize you need to love those around you and not take them for granted... but this was life changing for me.  I took complete inventory of the people in my life. I thought about how I love and what I offer to those in my life.  I thought about the legacy I would leave if I should pass unexpectedly.

All of the sudden I was angry. I felt alone and weak. I was dreading pulling into my home knowing my children were away with their dad and I'd be alone. If there was anywhere else I could have gone I'm sure I would have. Anything but alone.

The next day was a bust. I was a wreck. I didn't answer my phone. I cried all day. Never out of my pajamas. Yelled with big shouty all cap texts to my own mother. I was furious. To be honest I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe some generalities but that's it.

Some have said it was a spiritual warfare situation. Maybe.  I think it was feeling insignificant. That right there could very well be my biggest fear.

Anyway, I have been keeping in touch with my friend daily since Friday and not much has changed over there in hospice. My heart just aches.

She sits watching her flesh and blood fade away. Knowing what is most likely inevitable but still tying to cling on to a slight hope.

I'm not even sure how to end this post.  There are still so many questions yet to be answered.  Perhaps we can all remember this family in our prayers tonight. Send some love and comfort.

Oh, and don't miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them. Please. Please. Don't take life for granted.

Feel That Tug?!

Do you ever have days your heart is so heavy for another person you feel their pain?  What about feeling so heavy for another yet you have no idea why? You just wake up feeling a pull toward them or a curiosity about their well-being. Unexplainable.  Just something deep down in your gut.

This morning is one of those mornings.  A person, so heavy on my heart it hurts.  And I have no idea why.  Just a pull, a pain, a tug toward loving them at that particular moment.

I always try to listen to those tugs.  To call or text that person and tell them you are thinking of them. Or you love them. Or whatever that nagging feeling might be.

Is anyone tugging at you today? Anyone you can bless with a pick me up message?  An "I Love you"?

My Psalm

This was a part of a writing assignment I did this morning in a small group leaders meeting.  Writing your own Psalm to our God.  Given specific outlines to follow you fill in your own thoughts...here is my personal love letter to Christ.

Lord, thank you for your promises
Your grace is unmatchable
Your mercy unfailing
In my life, you are my song at midnight

Your grace is unmatchable
Lord, you are my hope
In my life, you are my song at midnight
You have pulled me out of my wandering and put me on a solid path

Lord, you are my hope
Your mercy is unfailing
You have pulled me out of my wandering and set me on a solid path
Lord, thank you for your promises

I understand we do not all share the same beliefs.  Some may not understand the grace and mercy I have come to depend on in Christ. My prayer for you is that you would open just a sliver of your heart to him and ask him to reveal some of these truths to you. It is truly a "peace that passes all understanding"

Oh Boy, This Is Just an Ugly Rant...Warning...

I'm not even sure this will be a blog I publish.  Sometimes I just write and write and keep it all to myself.  I know I am rather open with my private life...in some areas.  Others I need it to be mine.

I am a hard worker.   A hard lover.  A hard carer. And apparently, a word maker-upper.

I fight hard for what I love and believe in. I sacrifice without a second thought whenever need be. I give myself away daily.  And happily so.

Lately, I feel empty.  Usually I can shove those feelings down and have become so dang good at finding the silver lining and truly being content exactly where I am at. 

I have little conversations with myself and little pick me up pep talks almost daily to keep a positive attitude and a smile on my face.

I am not sure what it is these last few weeks but I keep finding myself down.  Near tears.   Often.

Although life is hard in so many areas right now, I find the most sadness in being alone these days.  This used to not bother me.  I mean, I love love.  I am definitely not your man hater kinda gal.  I had just gotten good at drawing near to God and not needing companionship until it was my time.

I don't know if I am farther from God or just moving into a new phase in life where the missing piece is becoming painfully evident.

I want to be at peace with being alone.  But then again, God has created us for relationship. To need one another. I just feel caught in the middle. Not sure how I should feel or what I should do.

Mostly it hurts because I crave someone to think I am worth their time.  Worth their love.  And possibly even worth their sacrifice in some ways.  I have never had that.  At least not in truth anyway.

I know what God says I am. Beautiful.  His daughter. Precious. Perfect.  But, the harsh truth is, a lot of that gets wrapped up in the men who walk out of your life way too easily.  Leaving you feeling less than desirable.  Forget about needed.  How is it possible to not feel slightly chipped away at?

Each time I feel my heart has been misused I swear to myself I am going to change. To be less trusting and just build a huge protective wall and hide.  But I don't want to change my inclination to see the best in people. I like that I can see potential in others that they can't even recognize.  It's just not such a great quality in the dating world.

What is even more frustrating are the compliments.  Please don't be offended by this...and honestly...please don't stop the compliments! But when people tell me how "remarkable" or "strong" or "brave" or "compassionate" or inspirational" I am...I smile and say thank you.... but my inner me is roller her eyes.  How can it be that am sooooooo great....and yet still soooooooo alone.

Oh boy, this is sounding so pathetic.  Oh well, bring it on.  If we can't be honest and admit we have all had a version of these feelings at some point in our lives...well, then this is definitely not the blog for you!  We accept all forms of pathetic and ugly!

I know I shouldn't wrap all of my worth in the hopes of someone loving me.  And I don't.  But I'd be a total liar if I said it's just all bunnies and rainbows over here in brokenheartsville!

I'm a little sad to admit that I don't whole heartedly believe that there is that man out there for me. One of the best things a girlfriend ever said to me was "It's ok if you don't believe.  I'll pick up your mat and carry it for you. I believe."  That was powerful.

I have grown used to men who put on such a beautiful, strong, Godly front.  And then either one of two things happen...1. They turn out to be a total fraud. or 2. You put a challenge in front of them that the kind of man you want would rise to...and they bolt. In search of something easier and more shallow.  I'm getting tired of wussy boys. What happened to integrity, strength and honesty?!

Seriously now, Where Have All The Cowboys Gone? 

-End Dramatic Scene-

oh, and ladies...you're welcome for the lovely visual aid.  ;-)

My Kitchen is A Complete Wreck...And I Couldn't be Happier.

For the last few days I have been flying around the house prepping it just so.  Tweaking each and every little detail until I felt it was just right.  Cleaning every nook and cranny, wrapping up long lost projects that sat staring at me for months, putting on the perfect soft music and lighting the yummy scented candles. 

And now, it is all a complete mess.  Dishes piled head high in the sink.  Kids playroom thoroughly "played" in.  Cups and plates strewn across the backyard. Dirt tracked through the kitchen. Furniture moved and misplaced.

...And I'm just all smiles.

Last night I hosted a small group/bible study in my home for the first time.  Over the last few weeks I would sit in church listening to the Pastor boast about becoming a small group host and what a blessing it would be.  All I know is that every time the subject came up, this feeling just washed over me. Tugged at my heart.  So, I took baby steps.  Went to an orientation...Asked 1 friend if she would commit to joining (assuming she would be the ONLY friend joining!...sat on my hands a while trying to think of excuses why I shouldn't go through with it...then just jumped in.  Send out tons of invites and decided I was to be obedient and fully immerse myself in this experience.

I got so excited each time someone would RSVP that they were coming.  Could it be that people actually think I can pull this off?!  Oh my.  Pressure.  But it was an exciting pressure.  One that propelled me forward, encouraged me.

As people began to show up my insecurities decided to peek out and make me doubt ...oh goodness, they are going to laugh at how small my house is...I wonder if they realize how slanted the foundation is in here...are they wishing they had chosen a different group? I just decided to knock off the self trash talkin' and welcome each individual with a hug and a smile. 

7 adults and 7 children made their way through my doors last night.  Most people did not know each other prior to our meeting. One of our guests was Deaf and another Hard of Hearing. I was nervous to see how or if everyone could blend.  Would our Deaf guest feel left out?  Would our hearing guests be uncomfortable? Little did I have to worry...God was in this place...and we busted down the language barriers. 

Each and every one of us took our turns laughing, joking, sharing and just enjoying each other.  Connecting.  It was a beautiful sight.  I couldn't believe I almost turned away from this commitment.

At the conclusion of our evening together the dynamic had shifted.  We had officially gelled.  We became a mini community. I was honored to share my home with these new friends.

So, now I am off to (for the first time ever) clean up my mess of a house...with a smile.  This home is built for love.  And love happened here last night.

Small house...Big Heart...Plenty of Room.  Come on in.

Grateful for the Awesomesauce

I had the most incredible, overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude, fierce love, and humility wash over me just moments ago.  I was doing my normal routine...walking around the house, fixing this, oganizing that before I head off to my last day of school this week.

I quickly found myself standing with trash in one hand, random toys and objects in the other, staring admirably at a little pink and purple plastic purse find with my 5 year olds monies.  Her piggy bank. It overwhelmed me an I froze.

I could see her in that purse.  The way she loves it, carries it around, constantly begging me to count her money she has earned. I just began to sob and wanted to soak in that little cheap plastic purse.  I began to peer from corner to corner in their playroom...talking aloud about all of the little things they obsess over and make them who they are.  The way my somw ill perfectly line up and organize his various "collections" of whateve he may be into at that stage...its beem trains, dinosaurs, cars, more cars, lots of cars, books, whatever.

I stood there paralyzed with a full heart and just mutterd "They love me so much."  This may sound like a weird thing to say but all of the joy and pride that built up inside my heart just overflowed and made me think of how incredible it was that these two perfect little monsters choose to love me. I am so lucky to have them.

I am beyond grateful for these moments.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't truly absord how wonderful these years truly are.  Stress, responsibilities and the thought that our family isn't quite a whole can be sucha distraction at times.  Not today.  I am fully present. Fully aware of the awesomeness that is my life as their Mom.

My not-so-fancy playroom. Oh, but the joy and memories that come from this awesome space.

(Any fellow OCDers feel the need to jump through the computer and straighten the rug like I do?!)

*Side note: I have friends that have not been able to have the blessing to be a Mommy.  My heart breaks for them and I admire the strength and courage they show every day. I write this not to be insenstitive of their struggles but to let them know I do not take this blessing for granted. Nothing hurts more than to hear someone complain of something you would give your life to have.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to share my joy.

Home.

Last night I made the 2 hour drive to drop the kids off with their dad for his 1 night every two weeks with the kids.  Don't get me started.

So, recently both their father and I had found ourselves moving into new homes just one weekend apart so the kids had a lot of adjustments going on. Their dad is remarried to his third wife.  I was number 2.  The kids seem to be ok with their stepmother so I am very glad for that.

Unfortunately he has ever had much involvement with the kids. Other than his court ordered child support and 2 nights a month (and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a month) that's it. Your typically "fun dad" who has no rules and sends them home exhausted, hungry and filthy.

The kids are not 5 and 7 and starting to understand the difference in roles between their parents. My son, the 7 year old has for about a year now expressed grief over having to go to his fathers.  And now the little one is beginning the same pattern. 

Although when we moved it was to someone elses 40 acre horse farm (woo hoo) our home was going to be quite an adjustment. Maybe 900sf, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom built in the 1950s and some parts definitely scream "I am 60+ years old!" None of the doors shut properly, the foundation slants terribly, unusually low ceilings, the whole dang house is just wonky.  Oh, and the ants. We lost a whole pantry to the ants. But it save me a few hundred dollars a month and I was praying the lifestyle would redeem the step down we were making home-wise.

Well, you can imagine my surprise (and embarrassed to admit, horror) when I learned dad's new house was also farmlike...except... Daddy's new place was 5,600sf, 6 private acres with 2 lakes and a new SUV purchased just for off road adventures. Oh and "Kids! We are going to let you pick out your own farm animals and build all kinds of awesome chicken coups and treehouses!" -Insert dejected mom face here-

I need to be shamefully honest here. I was scared. I was scared that all dad's bells and whisles would make my kids want to live at Daddy's, to be less grateful for what I had worked so hard at providing and to flat out leave Mommy and my wonky house in the dust. My insecurities started screaming. "You can't compete with that!" "It is going to be 'Mommy who?!'"  "You aren't worth enough for them to want to stay with you when they could have all of that."

Now, anyone who knows me at all knows I am not defined by things. Things don't impress me much to tell ya the truth.  I know people quite well who have lots and lots of fancy things.  And more times than not they are still searching for that something to complete them.  I'm not searching. I feel whole in my heart and no amount of money can buy that.

However, these are children.  Children are so impressionable and easy to sway with "things."  I was worried Mommy's unending love and full heart just wouldn't be enough.

Last night I drove the kids to their Dads. As usual the pleading began for me to call their dad and ask if they could just not come this time. (Yeah, that would go over like a fart in church) I knew I had to take them and there was no way out so I try my best to ease their fears and put their hearts in a comfier frame of mind.

My son said something in all of his sad pleading that hit me. He said "Mom, I just don't like Dad's house. I just want to be with you. Please!"  I had this weird mixture of sadness and curiosity.  So I inquired... He says to me "Dad's house is just too big mommy. I don't feel comfortable there. I just want to be home with you."  Home. 

Home.  I was stunned. Shocked. Ashamed to admit somewhat happy. My baby just wanted Home. It did not matter one bit about the goofy tiny house we now called home.  Mommy was home.  And it didn't matter what the 4 walls that contained us looked like.

While sharing some of these thoughts, a friend challenged my thinking... "Well, it isn't a competition, right?"  No. It isn't.  I don't need to live extravagantly and I don't need my children to value me more than their father.  I pray someday their father will become the man that they deserve in this life. I can only say that when you love how Mommys love and sacrifice how Single Mommys sacrifice, protect like a Mama Bear (even when sometimes the protecting is from the hurt left from their own father) you are going to experience some helplessness and fear that your whole world could be swept away by something like this.

The person who says they have no insecurities is a person full of poo.  Simple as that.  When you allow yourself to invest in love like this, it is as scary as crap. 

It hurts me to my core to know my son has fear of his father and both of my children experience insecurity and grief when it is time to visit. The tearful phone calls. The pleading to come and get them. But I am comforted to know that I must be doing something right.

"I'm Batman!"

Yesterday I had the honor of hearing a rather personal heartbreaking admission from a very dear friend. We will call her Janie.

Janie was sitting across from me as girlfriends do all curled up on opposite ends of the couch as we swapped silly stories and the latest details of our lives.  Janie is always chipper, sweet and so upbeat at times you could just smack her.  And I love it.

Somehow the topic of sex and wives roles in the marriage came up and I watched the always smiley face turn and twist in ways I had not seen before.  Concerned I began to inquire more. Janie seemed unsure of what she was about to say but I am so glad she trusted our friendship to proceed to share. (We will call her hubby Jack!) "Well, Jack and I are kinda maybe once every 6 weeks or so kinda people.  And when we do do it I just have such a hard time and hope it's over quick.  Is that bad?"  I tried to hold my surprise but I'm not sure I did such a great job.

Janie began to tell me about her struggles to want to please her husband.  She is an amazing wife and they have the kind of relationship I hope to have someday. Jack is patient, hard working and quick as a whip with the jokes. They are a lovely couple.  But secretly Janie was dealing with some unfortunate aftermath of a hysterectomy at a young age and side effects from some medications making her sex drive just take a dive.

I saw the pain and embarrassment in her eyes and I knew what she was feeling.  I had been through a similar experience in life and it is nothing short of awful.  We began to peel back the onion and get to some really good stuff.   I tried my best to encourage her to a "sex plan" that I believed would light the fire and help out a bit.

That evening she sat down with Jack and laid out her plan.  "Jack, I have decided that I value you and our marriage and although I have tried just about every potion, trick and stimulant to get our sex life going I am not giving up.  I have a plan.  I want to make it a point to have sex twice a week for a month and see how things go. I want this to be a proirity but I will need a few things from you to help this to be a success."  She began to clue him in on a few things she knew she enjoyed and would like to stay away from to help her feel more comfortable.  He was beyond happy to comly.  They were now a team. A team working together to bring a wholeness and new level of intimacy between them.

Well, I went over to visit with Janie this morning and I walked in to a giddy woman dancing around the kitchen to Katy Perry, bopping like a teenager who just got asked out by her dream crush.  It was the cutest thing ever.  She couldn't wait to gush about how great she felt and how Jack was so happy this morning.  She says with a little smirk...he even got out of the shower all frisky today, wore his towel as a cape and exclaimed 'I'm Batman!!!' Oh it was so cute"

I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. Here was this beautiful woman, fantastic mother beaming with joy. Her efforts to love her husband had paid off in ways I don't think she even expected. It is such an amazing and wonderful power we have to love and care for our husbands. I was inspired by her openness, bravery and determination to serve her husband and heal a broken spot in their marriage.

Women, we are called to love and care for our husbands.  What an honor! I can't think of a better charge. I think we are quick to forget or perhaps don't ever truly understand the power ew hold over our men. This can be used for good or harm. We have the power to heal a broken heart with uplifting words and encouragement.  However, we also have the power to tear down a good man and reduce him to dust. Our men need our love and support.  What Janie did for her husband speaks volumes to him, his worth and I garauntee you she will get that kitchen painted whenever she wanted without a fuss!  Our men need our reinforcement. It is a daily choice on our part how we treat them, the words we speak to them and the tone in which we use.

So Ladies, If he is Batman, than we are Catwomen! Now meow little kitties and use your powers for good!

Dating. What the?!

I admit.  Back in "my day" I was pretty good at snaggin' dates, being flirty and having a great time. But my goodness, the dating game has changed! I have been divorced a little over 4 years now and I've come to the conclusion that ... I am clueless about how this all works!

I'd like to know the "rules" of dating these days. Or at least your take on them.

I'm finding myself going back and forth about how I feel regarding dating more than one person at a time thing.  I tend to favor only dating one person at a time.  It is just too hard to keep all of the info, names and details straight! I feel if you believe someone is worth your time you should give them your full attention to give it a fair go. This way you know quicker if your wasting your time and truly gave yourself in full. If it doesn't work out then you know you gave it your all and you move on!  No?

And then how do you feel about the other person dating more than just you?  Technically they aren'y your boyfriend yet so they can do what they want...but what about someone feeling like you are enough to see through one way or another?  Am I too old fashioned?

Dating as an adult...and especially an adult with 2 children?  Insert crazy, confused look on my face!

Help!

Parking Lot Blues

I'm sitting here in the parking lot fighting tears. Not wanted to pull away because they'll be farther from my love, my hugs, my "it's going to be ok's".

My babies just started Kindergarten and 1st grade. I'm normally the tough mommy who doesn't cry and thinks the other mommies are just softies! Well, I get it now.

Both are grown. No more daycares and diapers. No more toddler rooms or baby side of the church nursery. We are independently riding school busses and doing everything all by themselves!

Although I am sad and secretly wish they still needed me in the same way they used to, I am so proud of how strong and capable they have grown to be.

So I'll sit here like a big dummy blogging from my cell phone because I can't pull away. Not just yet.

I am so incredibly grateful for these 2 sweet children I have the honor of raising. It is an overwhelming task at times but by far my greatest. I look forward to each new first day of school, new friend, milestones, and everything else this crazy life can throw at me. I can't even put into words how blessed I feel right now.

*sigh*

Ok...it's time. I've spent all morning encouraging my little ones to be big kids and be brave! Now I need to take my own advice and put the big girl panties on! Thanks for listening and going through this growth moment with me!

Off I go! (slowly...)

Ok, for real now... I'm seriously going.

For real.

Now.

Ok, NOW!

Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

Stars...

I found this among my mess of social media and it stopped me in my tracks. Remember this simple statement in times of darkness, during your midnights. If we allow our hardships to refine us we will shine bright as the stars that hang from the heavens. Truth.

Ever Wonder "How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!"

That's where I am at right now!   How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!

I was a comfy stay at home mom of 2 babies when my world was rocked a messy divorce that left me penniless, jobless, car-less, and plan-less!

After a couple of years bopping around trying to make ends meet with 2, sometime 3 jobs I decided it was time for a change.  I secured a wonderful job in my dream field and moved out of state, away from my family to start our new life. Everything was falling into place and I felt proud, grateful, joyous! 6 months after moving away, my position was "eliminated" due to budget cuts and I was on again living in the land of the lesses.

I ended up doing the 2 to 3 three jobs at once again, even adding in cleaning homes of friends to make just a bit more in hopes of just getting by.  This was no good. I needed to dig deeper.

Last year I did something that took every brave bone in my body.  Something I swore up and down I would N-E-V-E-R do.  (I bet you're thinking I was stripping or something! lol)  No, for me this was worse...I went back to school.  Age 28 going to college for the first time.

I have always had a passion for Sign Language and helping others.  So, I discovered I qualified for a grant to pay my way at least for that first year. I was petrified and elated all at the same time.  I was going to face my biggest fear (Algebra!) and get my Bachelors Degree.  Whaaaaat?!  I was way more petrified than elated!

I got through my first year of big girl school. Not without hiccups and bruises but I did it.  I was proud of my "Non Traditional" education status.  I was working hard and creating a plan to provide a better life for me and my children.

This morning I went down to school to register. Something was wrong with my Financial aid. My heart sank.  All I could think was "This is my hope. This is my future. This is my ticket out of this painful life! This can't be happening!"  I found myself in a dark hour. My own midnight in the bright and sunny Georgia day.

It would be weeks if not months before I recieved the necessary funding to continue with school, if at all. The lady looked at me and said "Well, just pay up front to start the semester and just get reimbursed."  Ummm, if I could afford that I wouldn't be standig in this line, lady. Frustrated, I grabbed the kids and left.

I'm driving home trying to think of how I can earn enough money in 20 days to pay for the first semester when it all started happening... email from the landlord about my overgrown lawn and will have to pay more money to keep it up and I better do it now, bills stacking up with the lovely 'final notice' stamp, back to school lists I have been putting off in hopes of a financial miracle, an empty refrigerator,  the list just seemed to grow like the weeds in my yard! It all just swirled around in my head making me dizzy.

This is the point where I take a deep breath and realize... This is all a part of a greater plan. The only place I need to be is face down, in prayer. This is an opportunity to grow. I have a big God and if it is meant for me to walk this path I THINK is right for me than it. will. be.  I need to free my heart of the worry and let my faith speak.

Surrender is a tough word. Really think about it. To fully surender. That is a difficult thought when you are the head of a household and that house contains your 2 precious children. Do I truly trust God to lead us? Do I really trust that he can untangle this mess? My answer is a big, fat YES.

Sometimes this life can just flat out suck. Tear us down. Break our spirits.  Our job it to keep getting back up and go one more round. Wipe the brow and fight. Good thing if we choose, we can have the Almighty in our corner. I know I need him.

So, I still have absolutely no idea if/how the school, lawn, bills, food, etc issues will resolve...BUT I do know if I keep my eyes focused on Jesus and his promises, we will be ok.  It WILL all come together for my good.

Every night one of my favorites prayers is simply "Thank you Lord for your promises."  This encompasses so much of what I need. He promises to provide, to protect and to love unconditionally. And I trust him.

I hope to be on here sometime in the near future updating you on the miracles that have been coming together over here. Until then... Find hope in the Lords promises!


Here is my go to link for times such as these! What an amazing promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0jpHtsSEQo