Oh, You'll Need To See An Advisor In The Disabilities Office...

The last month or so has been "survival mode" for me.  I was drowning in my math class, overwhelmed with mandatory lab hours in sign language, working 2 hours each morning in the barn before getting the kids and myself off to school...coming to a head with a long, drawn out court battle with my ex who lives to tear me down...I had to flip into auto pilot and just get through this mess one day at a time.

I began to realize that in spite my intense approach to tackling my life long nemesis, math, I was losing and was about to face full suspension from all classes if I did not pass with a C. Pressure was mounting and I was drowning no matter how hard I worked. An incredible friend of mine stepped in and offered to "sponsor" me in math by paying for a tutor. I've never really heard of being a "sponsored" math student but I was relieved and humbled at his effort to support my dream and chance at a better life for the kids and I.

Well, about 30 hours of tutoring later, 6 out of 7 nights a week, at least 2.5-3 hours nightly leading up to the final exam...I failed the class. Again. That was it. Done. Unable to continue any studies for 1 full year. It didn't matter that I had all straight A's and has tested into the sign language interpreters program. Dreams for a better future, shot.

The worst part was that I didn't even get to finish half of the test. I ran out of time and was not permitted to even bubble in educated guesses, being forced to take at least 40% zeros. I began to sob uncontrollably.  How is it possible that I THAT stupid? How can I not get through a learning support algebra class as an adult?! It was high school failure all over again, torturous.

I went to the head of the dept and sobbed like a child. There was no sympathy, just a cold shoulder. I was devastated. I felt I had failed all of the people who were personally invested in helping me succeed. My "sponsor", my friends who watched my kids so I could go tutor, my friends who sat in as a tutor, dozens of people who poured in love and encouragement who KNEW I would prevail. I felt I had let them all down and was crushed.

Well, something fell into my lap from a friend I hadn't spoken to since high school. She sent me a message explaining that based on some of the things I had shared she believed I should be evaluated for a learning disability. I didn't think much of it at first and went on with my night. Little by little I began to recall several people over the course of a few weeks (mainly those who did math life with me) asking if I had ever been told I was possibly dyslexic. I was puzzled and like "um, no. weirdo." Some would gently tell me..."did you know there is such a thing as dyslexia with numbers?" I just dismissed.  Nah, I'm just rally bad at math. I get it from my Mom. (sorry, mom!) It was a joke in our family that all of Mom's funny things she wasn't great at, I inherited!  (I'd be well off in this life if I could be even half of the woman my mom is...awful math and all)

So I decided to just take a peek and Google this "dyslexia with numbers" deal. You know, just to say I did and move on.

What I read not only stopped me cold in my tracks, it changed life as I know it forever. All of the odd things I never admitted to others out of fear of embarrassment, all of the concepts I could just never ever grasp...it was ALL there.  Things I would have never realized were somehow connected.  I wasn't just bad at math or stupid. I had Dyscalculia. There was no doubt.

It was the strangest experience. I went from devastated-failure-mess to thrilled-hopeful-ecstatic. My emotions were on the most intense roller coaster ever. I printed my documents and off to school I went, determined to find answers and fight for myself. I approached my teacher who knew my situation and asked him if I could have permission to go look into this.  It then when he looked at me and said "Yeah, you need to go to the disabilities office." Um. Come again?

No, no, no, you see, I go to school to help people with disabilities...I'm not the one with a disability. Oh, wait, hmmm. Definitely a challenge to be thrown on the opposite side of the table you are used to. I walked hesitantly into the building, wondering if I had a sign that said "broken" or "defective brain" or worse "disabled" as I walked toward that room 1300.  No joke, luckily I had some humor to lighten the mood as I went to walk in...there was a sign saying "Accessible Door Is Not Working, Please Knock For assistance"  ON THE DISABILITIES OFFICE DOOR! Palm to forehead moment for sure,

I went in and found it hard to say what I was there for. I had to admit I believed I had a disability and without special accommodations I would not be capable of getting through certain classes to graduate. Gulp. Me? Admit I am not fully capable? I am Mrs. Elbow Grease I Can Do Anything!

I met with the most incredible advisor and after a couple of hours finally began to relax and allow a slight bit of hope in. We concluded I do need to be tested and receive an official diagnosis. We feel confident that I suffer from this learning disability that wouldn't ya know...is genetic. Answers for Momma too! And oddly enough, I had been watching my daughters writing since last year after noticing some strange habits. The most common and disturbing being her writing as if she were looking into a mirror. And perfectly correct! And...when asked if it looks different than her regular work she says no! Hmmm, we may be onto something. Her teacher dies not feel it is a need for concern but I'll be watching.

I really don't even know how to summarize what I have taken from the last 24 hours because there is just too much. I see God's grace and provision, I see new a new light of compassion, I see a new fierce determination, I feel like I can scream "See!!! I'm not crazy!!!" and so so much more.  All of the quirky things I couldn't grasp and understand were finally being explained.  I wasn't just dumber than everyone else. The most exciting part right now is knowing that maybe there is some hope to learning better ways to educate myself in these areas. H-o-p-e.

And...I went back to cold math dept head today with my new finding and paperwork and a nice cheery, hopeful smile. She said she had been thinking of me and after listening to me she wanted to try and think of a way I could earn my passing grade to continue schooling and hopefully with my disability status and accommodations, be successful! She was clear she made no promises but said I may be able to do extra work over the break and earn my C. That was an incredible moment.

So, I am waiting to receive my appointment date and actually look forward to a potential diagnosis.  It may sound like a strange thing to be excited for but when you have gone through life as I have as far as school and education, it is an incredible relief to think there is a reason for your immense struggle and hardship. And I will say it again..the word of the day... Hope. It is an immeasurable gift to finally have a tiny glimpse of hope in a lifelong hopeless situation. 

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Day 4 And Hallelujah No Hot Flashes!

It is Day 4 of entering my induced menopause.  (Still sounds so gross to say)  Although I did almost chew my kids' heads completely off today I think it was normal stress of being sick, first day of my school and a ton of junk combined...oh, and the uber whiney kids.  :-/

I'm happy to report that so far all I have experienced is some sleepinees, little bit of lower back pain and that's pretty much it!  I am hoping this will be the "new normal" while on this little journey.

I was so nervous to start my 2nd year of "non-traditional" college status and the beginning of an intense interpreting program while entering menopause! Can you imagine that recipe for disaster?!   Phew! So far, so good.

This is my "Smile for mommy, it's your first day of school!" pic! LOL  All I needed was someone to pack me my little brown lunchbag and a lovenote on my napkin!

Crock Pots & PTA, Y'all!

Today I attended a "Room Mom" meeting at kids' school, accepted a position as PTA Chair for Corporate Sponsor Donations, went grocery shopping, got way too much excitement over organizing the food pantry and especially the spices, found a new healthy recipe, got the crock pot out, scheduled kid dental appointments, cleaned the house and fed the horses, said prayers and read devotions...then just giggled in the quiet... So funny how we make these transitions in life without even noticing. One day you wake up and it's all Crock Pots and PTA. *Sigh* I ♥ this life.

(bitter)Sweet Success

Yesterday was a life changing day for me.  I decided to go back to school at the age of 28 to give a shot at bettering my little families future.  I would study my passion, American Sign Language to become an ASL Interpreter. 

My first year was challenging as a "Non-Traditional" college student but I made it through all of the prerequisites for taking the dreaded, very much rumored about "Interview" process into "The Program."  The Program was talked about like gold in our classrooms.  One day we would all face our fears and see if we measured up to the standard of THE PROGRAM.  You see, if you make it passed your interview and get accepted, you are on an intense schooling journey toward your career goal in our field.

July 31 at 3:20pm.  I was scheduled to see if I could hang with the big kids.  I felt calm and cool but secretly thought I'd get cut for some random fatal mistake or something dumb.  We wouldn't know our fate for up to possibly a week until we would get the "congratulations" email or the "We regret to inform you" bit. I was fighting nerves.

I did the little dance and performed like a trained monkey, I wanted this so badly. I would have stood on my head had they asked.  This was my hope, our future. Our chance at a better life.  I left feeling fairly confident but petrified at the same time.  What's done was done and know it was in their hands.

I prayed that God would clear the path for me if it was meant to be and take my worry and help me find peace.  Funny enough, it worked!  I put the anxiety behind me and pulled up the big girl panties.

So, of course, I was checking my email contantly eventhough I was positive they would make me wait until the last minute of the week deadline.  Well, to my surprise...It was in my inbox.  Today.  Merely 24 hours after my interview.  My heart literally started pounding out of my chest.  My body got hot and flushed and I thought I was going to cry.

And there it was...Congratulations!!! I was in!  I had done it! My kids were on the floor watching tv as my life changed forever. They were clueless as to what this meant for us and I was just sitting there about to explode in happy tears!  i picked up the phone and called my mom instantly. I needed to feel supported. I needed someone to care. I needed to matter.  Of course, mom was amazing. She giggled when I giggled and ohhhhhhed and ahhhhhhed all at the appropriate times.  My mom is wonderful like that.  I immediately climbed on Facebook and announced it to the world waiting for all of the kind words to flood my soul.  They did and it was so satisfying.

But then a few minutes go by and I'm feeling the excitement wear down a bit and a little sadness creep in.  I was walking around my house just lonely.  This was one of those moments where being a single mom (or just single, I guess) sucks. From the bottom of my soul I wanted someone to look at me, proud and throw their arms around me to celebrate.  Maybe even a nice dinner to make it special. But none of that happened. The day went on with sibling fights, trash needing to be taken out, dinner to be served and so on. I put the kids to bed and just fought the feeling of emptiness. Sometimes a wonderful event loses it's sparkle without someone to share it with.

I always end up giving myself the pep talk that convinces myself I'm just fine. It goes something like this... "You don't NEED someone, self.  You're ok.  One day when someone is there you will appreciate all the better!  Just let your pride in yourself be enough for right now and keep plugging along.  One day at a time and kick some booty while doing it!!!"

As much as I believe this is good advice and will follow it soon...right now it just sucks. I'm just not there yet. Maybe tomorrow will be a new mercy and I will tackle the blues and move on.  But, for tonight it's a sad face and pity party of 1.

BOOM! 1st Miracle DONE...In Under 5 hours!

If you read my last post you know I was waiting on some miracles to come down from above in a pretty desperate time of need...

Well, one specific needed miracle was child care for my kids twice a week. More specifically, cheap child care that can be at my house to get kids off bus until I can get home after my school.  I called and called so many different places and the cheapest I could find was $400/month for 2 days!!! What the?!  Everything else was upwards of $570+ per month.  There is just no way I can fit this in the budget, God! Hellooo?!

I was out taking the kids to visit the horsies...a daily ritual. We live in a small home built in the 1950's that sits on 40 acres of horse farm.  It is a barn co-op and there are some lovely people who come and go to care for their horses.  We just live here and let my daughter live out her dream to be living with horses. :) All the joys of barn living without the work and mucking stalls! Yeehaw!

Anyway, as we were walking in I saw a familiar face that I don't often run into.  Something told me to stop, turn around and just throw out my need and see what bites.  So, I did exactly that.  Ready for this?!

There is one other small home just a hop skip and a jump from ours on the back of the property.  This womans mother just moved in and is terribly lonely...and looking to feel useful.  :-D  We discussed the details and not only can she but her daughter said she is going to be so excited to have something to give her a sense of community, worth and contribution! So, I will pay her a fraction of the daycare costs and she is pumped about it! 

Not only did I get blessed but our need ended up blessing someone else financially and emotionally!  Instead of Hellllo God???  I need to be saying Helloooooo God!!!!!

I posted my need exacly 5 hours ago to the minute. Crazy the way he works.  Grateful.  thank you, Lord, for your promises!

Ever Wonder "How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!"

That's where I am at right now!   How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!

I was a comfy stay at home mom of 2 babies when my world was rocked a messy divorce that left me penniless, jobless, car-less, and plan-less!

After a couple of years bopping around trying to make ends meet with 2, sometime 3 jobs I decided it was time for a change.  I secured a wonderful job in my dream field and moved out of state, away from my family to start our new life. Everything was falling into place and I felt proud, grateful, joyous! 6 months after moving away, my position was "eliminated" due to budget cuts and I was on again living in the land of the lesses.

I ended up doing the 2 to 3 three jobs at once again, even adding in cleaning homes of friends to make just a bit more in hopes of just getting by.  This was no good. I needed to dig deeper.

Last year I did something that took every brave bone in my body.  Something I swore up and down I would N-E-V-E-R do.  (I bet you're thinking I was stripping or something! lol)  No, for me this was worse...I went back to school.  Age 28 going to college for the first time.

I have always had a passion for Sign Language and helping others.  So, I discovered I qualified for a grant to pay my way at least for that first year. I was petrified and elated all at the same time.  I was going to face my biggest fear (Algebra!) and get my Bachelors Degree.  Whaaaaat?!  I was way more petrified than elated!

I got through my first year of big girl school. Not without hiccups and bruises but I did it.  I was proud of my "Non Traditional" education status.  I was working hard and creating a plan to provide a better life for me and my children.

This morning I went down to school to register. Something was wrong with my Financial aid. My heart sank.  All I could think was "This is my hope. This is my future. This is my ticket out of this painful life! This can't be happening!"  I found myself in a dark hour. My own midnight in the bright and sunny Georgia day.

It would be weeks if not months before I recieved the necessary funding to continue with school, if at all. The lady looked at me and said "Well, just pay up front to start the semester and just get reimbursed."  Ummm, if I could afford that I wouldn't be standig in this line, lady. Frustrated, I grabbed the kids and left.

I'm driving home trying to think of how I can earn enough money in 20 days to pay for the first semester when it all started happening... email from the landlord about my overgrown lawn and will have to pay more money to keep it up and I better do it now, bills stacking up with the lovely 'final notice' stamp, back to school lists I have been putting off in hopes of a financial miracle, an empty refrigerator,  the list just seemed to grow like the weeds in my yard! It all just swirled around in my head making me dizzy.

This is the point where I take a deep breath and realize... This is all a part of a greater plan. The only place I need to be is face down, in prayer. This is an opportunity to grow. I have a big God and if it is meant for me to walk this path I THINK is right for me than it. will. be.  I need to free my heart of the worry and let my faith speak.

Surrender is a tough word. Really think about it. To fully surender. That is a difficult thought when you are the head of a household and that house contains your 2 precious children. Do I truly trust God to lead us? Do I really trust that he can untangle this mess? My answer is a big, fat YES.

Sometimes this life can just flat out suck. Tear us down. Break our spirits.  Our job it to keep getting back up and go one more round. Wipe the brow and fight. Good thing if we choose, we can have the Almighty in our corner. I know I need him.

So, I still have absolutely no idea if/how the school, lawn, bills, food, etc issues will resolve...BUT I do know if I keep my eyes focused on Jesus and his promises, we will be ok.  It WILL all come together for my good.

Every night one of my favorites prayers is simply "Thank you Lord for your promises."  This encompasses so much of what I need. He promises to provide, to protect and to love unconditionally. And I trust him.

I hope to be on here sometime in the near future updating you on the miracles that have been coming together over here. Until then... Find hope in the Lords promises!


Here is my go to link for times such as these! What an amazing promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0jpHtsSEQo

Well, here it is...!

Well, here it is.  The first entry. A blank sheet of paper. A clean slate. A chance to tell the world who I am, who I am not, what I live for, stand up for and would die for. All day I've pondered what my life-changing words to you would be.  Oh, it had to be larger than life. A true page turner that grips you, makes you believe I have the home sense of Martha Stewart, the kitchen sass of Rachel Ray and the wisdom and heart of Mother Teresa. Here was my moment to WOW you with my wit and intellect...

*Cough, cough* ...Well, ahem...uhhh...aw crap.  Today just downright sucked. Who am I kidding?! Without the patient hand holding of a dear friend all day I'm pretty sure you would have found me in a corner throwing grapes at the wall spouting off show tunes in alphabetical order or some other crapshoot craziness. (BTW, thanks, Neena)

So let me throw a few highlights of my day...let's just be real here for a moment if I may...

I woke up this morning all groggy eyed and cranky as I reached over for my iphone 4S to tell me what the day held and fill me in on all my necessary gossip, Instagrams and retweets that I had missed out on the previous night... when it hit me...oh yeah, my phone is still sitting at the bottom of the lake...where I left it last night as I was trying to pull off calm, cool and together mom as my kids met the new man in my life for the first time.  Stress?  Pshhhh..."I'm good!" I wanted to cry and hide under a rock.  Surely those $11 in my bank account were not going to get me a new phone anytime soon. I smiled my way through a few happy go lucky BS words and went on with the new adventure.

As the day unfolded I began to slowly lose it more and more...broken dishwashers and no repairmen...wet bottoms from sitting on the pee left on the toilet seat from your 6 year old son (who obviously has aiming issues), the worlds worse gas and cramps you could possibly imagine (oh, I mean the clear- the- room -and- blame -it- on-the-dog type. Poor dog.), A hive of bees nesting in your mudroom, did I mention the $11 in the bank account part and every bill begging to be paid? Funding for school falling through, and more crap...it just seemed to hit all at once!

I realize these are not massive issues that I am complaining of here and I understand there are families in way more distress than wet bottoms.  I am simply saying...yep, today kinda sucked.  OK, I'm no Martha, Rachel or Teresa...but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.

I am a single mother of two ah-mazing, crazy ankle biters who definitely has had my share of unfair and sucky. But somehow...through grace, rising above and endurance I have figured out how to keep singing songs of praise even in the darkest of times.  My hope, my prayer for you and I both during my time with this blog is to be a peaceful, uplifting reminder that we will have sucky days...and we will be okay. We will sing at midnight.