So many times over the last two years I have thought to myself "I should really blog about this" or something along the lines of "I need to get this out and don't want to bore everyone around me so maybe I can blog to my imaginary audience to feel better." :)
Regardless of all of the excuses I have had, now is the time. It has been almost exactly 2 years to the day since my last post and in most ways life has stayed the same. In some respect this is a good thing, but overall this is just kinda sad!
I have jump started this journey back into blogging by rereading all of my previous posts. It was eye opening to realize some of the very struggles I poured out about were still taking up residency in my life...against my wishes! And then on the more positive side, some of the deep rooted love of family, faith and my children are still very much the same too. :)
This last week has been a tremendous eye opener for me. Hurts and habits that have been so deeply rooted in my life (so deep I literally had no idea they existed) have been brought to life and I am now sifting through the details. Trying to make sense of the "why" of it all and most importantly learning how to change these learned behaviors and conquer them once and for all.
I anticipate my blogs may have a roller coaster feel of ups and downs for a while as I trudge through some of the muck. Hey, maybe all you will take away from this experience is feeling a little better about yourself and your progress in life! ;-) I'll be cool with that.
Showing posts with label endurance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label endurance. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2015
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Freakin' Control Freak!
Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning! With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband. Um...dude...meet Xanax!
See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney. After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.
This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.
I admit. My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply. I know what this means. Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.
Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday. He has figured out I print them all. :) So, I get a call at 8:30pm. I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30. So I let it go. This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up! I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast." The calls keep coming like a crazy person. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go. He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!" To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed" Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency. You should provide access to them 24-7" Um, are we kidding here?
What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6? you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary. I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!
Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22. Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat. I can hear the whole conversation. It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.
I admit I still get fearful of him. What he may be capable of doing or getting away with. He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between. That's enough to make me sick!
I am beyond exhausted with this bullying. I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.
I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting. (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)
I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him. To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean!
I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw. I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it. But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this? Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?" It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.
Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome! A girl can hope, right?!)
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney. After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.
This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.
I admit. My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply. I know what this means. Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.
Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday. He has figured out I print them all. :) So, I get a call at 8:30pm. I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30. So I let it go. This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up! I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast." The calls keep coming like a crazy person. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go. He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!" To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed" Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency. You should provide access to them 24-7" Um, are we kidding here?
What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6? you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary. I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!
Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22. Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat. I can hear the whole conversation. It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.
I admit I still get fearful of him. What he may be capable of doing or getting away with. He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between. That's enough to make me sick!
I am beyond exhausted with this bullying. I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.
I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting. (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)
I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him. To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean!
I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw. I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it. But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this? Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?" It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.
Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome! A girl can hope, right?!)
Monday, August 13, 2012
Run Like a Horse! ...Well, maybe a lame horse...but still.
No, seriously, I ran in circles around one of our horse pastures! lol Today I ran like the lamest horse you've ever seen. I HATE to run. I don't find it exhilirating, freeing, or energizing...it sucks. But I need to find a way to incorporate free exercise... Drumroll please...
Today was Day 2 of the Couch to 5K App (Don't worry Neena, I will still be lame when you are able to join!) I have to say I love this program so far.
I picked a pasture that had a little path mowed along the perimeter and called it my training facility. It's a smaller circle than the huge mile tracks at the schools. This way I feel like I hit smaller milestones more often with each lap.
Couch to 5K takes a gimpy sitting duck like me and training you slowly yet steadily at a pace where you feel the push but don't think you are going to die! You can even choose a sweet natured trainer voice, a tough straight forward trainer voice or a drill sargent! It links to your itunes and so you can jam to your own tunes too. Perfect combo for me. And consiering I am out in the back of a pasture somewhere I get to sing along like a big fat dork!
I have to admit..I'm a bit excited to watch my running log on the app to see my progress. I have always wanted to run a 5K. Let's see if I found the right tool to get me there.
Any running tips to share? I know I Run For Wine has a great blog to follow.
Today was Day 2 of the Couch to 5K App (Don't worry Neena, I will still be lame when you are able to join!) I have to say I love this program so far.
I picked a pasture that had a little path mowed along the perimeter and called it my training facility. It's a smaller circle than the huge mile tracks at the schools. This way I feel like I hit smaller milestones more often with each lap.
Couch to 5K takes a gimpy sitting duck like me and training you slowly yet steadily at a pace where you feel the push but don't think you are going to die! You can even choose a sweet natured trainer voice, a tough straight forward trainer voice or a drill sargent! It links to your itunes and so you can jam to your own tunes too. Perfect combo for me. And consiering I am out in the back of a pasture somewhere I get to sing along like a big fat dork!
I have to admit..I'm a bit excited to watch my running log on the app to see my progress. I have always wanted to run a 5K. Let's see if I found the right tool to get me there.
Any running tips to share? I know I Run For Wine has a great blog to follow.
They actually got put to use! All dirty and everything! lol So proud.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Well, here it is...!
Well, here it is. The first entry. A blank sheet of paper. A clean slate. A chance to tell the world who I am, who I am not, what I live for, stand up for and would die for. All day I've pondered what my life-changing words to you would be. Oh, it had to be larger than life. A true page turner that grips you, makes you believe I have the home sense of Martha Stewart, the kitchen sass of Rachel Ray and the wisdom and heart of Mother Teresa. Here was my moment to WOW you with my wit and intellect...
*Cough, cough* ...Well, ahem...uhhh...aw crap. Today just downright sucked. Who am I kidding?! Without the patient hand holding of a dear friend all day I'm pretty sure you would have found me in a corner throwing grapes at the wall spouting off show tunes in alphabetical order or some other crapshoot craziness. (BTW, thanks, Neena)
So let me throw a few highlights of my day...let's just be real here for a moment if I may...
I woke up this morning all groggy eyed and cranky as I reached over for my iphone 4S to tell me what the day held and fill me in on all my necessary gossip, Instagrams and retweets that I had missed out on the previous night... when it hit me...oh yeah, my phone is still sitting at the bottom of the lake...where I left it last night as I was trying to pull off calm, cool and together mom as my kids met the new man in my life for the first time. Stress? Pshhhh..."I'm good!" I wanted to cry and hide under a rock. Surely those $11 in my bank account were not going to get me a new phone anytime soon. I smiled my way through a few happy go lucky BS words and went on with the new adventure.
As the day unfolded I began to slowly lose it more and more...broken dishwashers and no repairmen...wet bottoms from sitting on the pee left on the toilet seat from your 6 year old son (who obviously has aiming issues), the worlds worse gas and cramps you could possibly imagine (oh, I mean the clear- the- room -and- blame -it- on-the-dog type. Poor dog.), A hive of bees nesting in your mudroom, did I mention the $11 in the bank account part and every bill begging to be paid? Funding for school falling through, and more crap...it just seemed to hit all at once!
I realize these are not massive issues that I am complaining of here and I understand there are families in way more distress than wet bottoms. I am simply saying...yep, today kinda sucked. OK, I'm no Martha, Rachel or Teresa...but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.
I am a single mother of two ah-mazing, crazy ankle biters who definitely has had my share of unfair and sucky. But somehow...through grace, rising above and endurance I have figured out how to keep singing songs of praise even in the darkest of times. My hope, my prayer for you and I both during my time with this blog is to be a peaceful, uplifting reminder that we will have sucky days...and we will be okay. We will sing at midnight.
*Cough, cough* ...Well, ahem...uhhh...aw crap. Today just downright sucked. Who am I kidding?! Without the patient hand holding of a dear friend all day I'm pretty sure you would have found me in a corner throwing grapes at the wall spouting off show tunes in alphabetical order or some other crapshoot craziness. (BTW, thanks, Neena)
So let me throw a few highlights of my day...let's just be real here for a moment if I may...
I woke up this morning all groggy eyed and cranky as I reached over for my iphone 4S to tell me what the day held and fill me in on all my necessary gossip, Instagrams and retweets that I had missed out on the previous night... when it hit me...oh yeah, my phone is still sitting at the bottom of the lake...where I left it last night as I was trying to pull off calm, cool and together mom as my kids met the new man in my life for the first time. Stress? Pshhhh..."I'm good!" I wanted to cry and hide under a rock. Surely those $11 in my bank account were not going to get me a new phone anytime soon. I smiled my way through a few happy go lucky BS words and went on with the new adventure.
As the day unfolded I began to slowly lose it more and more...broken dishwashers and no repairmen...wet bottoms from sitting on the pee left on the toilet seat from your 6 year old son (who obviously has aiming issues), the worlds worse gas and cramps you could possibly imagine (oh, I mean the clear- the- room -and- blame -it- on-the-dog type. Poor dog.), A hive of bees nesting in your mudroom, did I mention the $11 in the bank account part and every bill begging to be paid? Funding for school falling through, and more crap...it just seemed to hit all at once!
I realize these are not massive issues that I am complaining of here and I understand there are families in way more distress than wet bottoms. I am simply saying...yep, today kinda sucked. OK, I'm no Martha, Rachel or Teresa...but I'm okay. I'll be just fine.
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