Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning! With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband. Um...dude...meet Xanax!
See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney. After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.
This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.
I admit. My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply. I know what this means. Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.
Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday. He has figured out I print them all. :) So, I get a call at 8:30pm. I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30. So I let it go. This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up! I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast." The calls keep coming like a crazy person. 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go. He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!" To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed" Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency. You should provide access to them 24-7" Um, are we kidding here?
What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6? you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary. I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!
Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22. Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat. I can hear the whole conversation. It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.
I admit I still get fearful of him. What he may be capable of doing or getting away with. He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between. That's enough to make me sick!
I am beyond exhausted with this bullying. I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.
I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting. (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)
I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him. To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean!
I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw. I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it. But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt. It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this? Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?" It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.
Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome! A girl can hope, right?!)
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Showing posts with label deceit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deceit. Show all posts
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Hurt That Settles In And Stays A While...
Have you ever heard someone say something like this... "Ok, so it was just emotional abuse. He didn't lay a hand on you, did he?! Cause if he did...!!!" I cringe when I hear statements like this. It actually sends creepy chills down my spine. Let me explain...
So often we are too quick to dismiss the damage and scars left from mental and emotional abuse. We see the bruises from the physical so yes, it is shocking. But bruises and wounds heal. The true trauma of even a physically abused women is what it does to her mental and emotional state. The fear, anxiety, anticipation of the next blow...this is what lingers and hinders her from living a healthy, normal life post abuse.
I have never been hit by a man and I will not even attempt to say that I understand this feeling. My best friend from childhood has been beaten so badly we thought she would not make it on several occasions. Still to this day she bears awful scars across her face and body from countless attacks from her boyfriend. Me, on the other hand, I was married to an incredibly deceitful and mentally abusive man who came close to stealing every last bit of who I was and what I had to offer. I was a shell of a human.
I sat on one side of a glass jail visitation booth and picked up the grungy phone to hear the voice of my best friend who had made a few wrong turns in her life. We sat for an hour trading stories and filling each other in on the ups and downs of the past few years.
As we continued to share there was one common thread we kept coming to, each time shaking our heads in agreement and connecting through our pain. The lingering fears of the mental abuse.
After several years of cowering, apologizing and trying to keep my head above water I decided it was time to step up for myself and my children and leave. At the advice of a counselor I agreed my children needed at least one healthy parent. And right now they had none. With some hard work and sacrifice I was determined to heal and become the best mother I could possibly be for my children.
Although it proved to be the smartest decision of my life, unfortunately, the abuse didn't stop. Even after 4 years of divorce I still cringe when I see his name appear in an email or call. Always hurling insults and anything evil he can throw to hit the most vulnerable parts of my being. The man I trusted with my life, spoke my vows to, started a family with had become my living nightmare.
But here is the difference. Now, ...I have taken the control back. You see, I let him take my dignity, my worth, my everything. Not anymore.
I have learned to find my value in the eyes of my savior. My gracious, loving Jesus. He calls me beautiful. He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb and embraced every mistake I would ever make and loves me unconditionally. This is the love I cling to and trust now. I am safe in his love.
There is a song that helped catapult me into trusting Christ to care for my broken self. So much of how I relate to this life is through music. I want to encourage you to take a moment and find healing and true love in our Heavenly (perfect) Father through this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hyefo5DXLE
"In Better Hands"It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now
[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help
Tonight, I pray that you will be delivered from your hurts, your pain and suffering. Take a chance on real love. Christ's perfect love. Find yourself in better hands.
So often we are too quick to dismiss the damage and scars left from mental and emotional abuse. We see the bruises from the physical so yes, it is shocking. But bruises and wounds heal. The true trauma of even a physically abused women is what it does to her mental and emotional state. The fear, anxiety, anticipation of the next blow...this is what lingers and hinders her from living a healthy, normal life post abuse.
I have never been hit by a man and I will not even attempt to say that I understand this feeling. My best friend from childhood has been beaten so badly we thought she would not make it on several occasions. Still to this day she bears awful scars across her face and body from countless attacks from her boyfriend. Me, on the other hand, I was married to an incredibly deceitful and mentally abusive man who came close to stealing every last bit of who I was and what I had to offer. I was a shell of a human.
I sat on one side of a glass jail visitation booth and picked up the grungy phone to hear the voice of my best friend who had made a few wrong turns in her life. We sat for an hour trading stories and filling each other in on the ups and downs of the past few years.
As we continued to share there was one common thread we kept coming to, each time shaking our heads in agreement and connecting through our pain. The lingering fears of the mental abuse.
After several years of cowering, apologizing and trying to keep my head above water I decided it was time to step up for myself and my children and leave. At the advice of a counselor I agreed my children needed at least one healthy parent. And right now they had none. With some hard work and sacrifice I was determined to heal and become the best mother I could possibly be for my children.
Although it proved to be the smartest decision of my life, unfortunately, the abuse didn't stop. Even after 4 years of divorce I still cringe when I see his name appear in an email or call. Always hurling insults and anything evil he can throw to hit the most vulnerable parts of my being. The man I trusted with my life, spoke my vows to, started a family with had become my living nightmare.
But here is the difference. Now, ...I have taken the control back. You see, I let him take my dignity, my worth, my everything. Not anymore.
I have learned to find my value in the eyes of my savior. My gracious, loving Jesus. He calls me beautiful. He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb and embraced every mistake I would ever make and loves me unconditionally. This is the love I cling to and trust now. I am safe in his love.
There is a song that helped catapult me into trusting Christ to care for my broken self. So much of how I relate to this life is through music. I want to encourage you to take a moment and find healing and true love in our Heavenly (perfect) Father through this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hyefo5DXLE
"In Better Hands"It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now
[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help
Tonight, I pray that you will be delivered from your hurts, your pain and suffering. Take a chance on real love. Christ's perfect love. Find yourself in better hands.
Labels:
abuse,
bruise,
childhood,
Christ,
deceit,
deliverance,
divorce,
emotional abuse,
fear,
grace,
healing,
Heavenly Father,
jail,
Jesus Christ,
mental abuse,
Natalie Grant,
physical abuse,
sacrifice,
self worth,
wounded
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