Being In Need

Being in need can pretty much suck. Knowing that you aren't making the ends meet, falling short, having to admit that you alone are not enough. And of all things...to provide for you and your children.  How is it that on person can devote every fiber, bone and feeling they have toward something yet still fall short?!

Well, as often as those frustrating thoughts run through my head...sometimes I have moments like now that I cling to.  This week, being in need has provided me with more love than I think I have felt in a very very long time.

Sometimes being in need gives those who love a chance to shine.  And oh how bright and beautiful it is when they do.

This week was a particularly difficult one. Very few people knew the depths of the issues. Usually I keep people in the dark on purpose. Smile and remember to be grateful, don't bog others down with your neediness!!!

Well, a couple of situations presented themselves and I was exposed. Quite vulnerable.

What unfolded throughout the rest of the week was healing, hopeful and pure love. Friends and family coming alongside, wanting absolutely nothing in return...all because they love me.

Every now and again a realization like this works wonders on the soul.

Thank you to those people who have given us your love. I cherish it.

It's A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving!

A few years back I found myself married, with all of our family on the opposite coast...wondering what to do with ourselves for this awkward Thanksgiving holiday coming up.  We couldn't travel home because of work, sooooo.....hmmm.

I come from a huge family. At least 45+ people each Thanksgiving. Every type  of turkey you can imagine and gut busting portions of all the necessary trimmings! How was I going to transition from that?

So, I had an idea. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Surely that had to be others out there with nowhere to go for this holiday! Hmmm, maybe I could open our home to those in our lives that for one reason or another would be alone during this time of family and friends!

I began to make phone calls and reach out. The response was moving. Each person that accepted the invite felt...valued. They had somewhere to be now. Somewhere they belonged. Somewhere they mattered.

That morning I was up at the butt crack of dawn fiddling with this big ole turkey. Something which I had zero experience with!  Just for fun I stuck it on our George Forman grill and took a picture of me looking confused"cooking" it and sent it to my mother! Of course she and my Grandmother believed I could be that dumb in the kitchen! Classic.

As the day went on my heart began to fill. First, a friend from my ex husbands work showed up with some quiche casserole dish...so proud that he made it himself...he took a seat at our less than impressive table. A bit later a man who was working away from his family and making a temporary home in his office strolls through hesitantly, takes a seat at the table and begins to realize he fits it. Later, a lonely soul who had burned the bridge with family comes and joins the table...and by ttime dinner was ready I walked out to find a table full of love. Acceptance. I knew this was what my home was to be from now on. Open arms.

So, obviously, I am now divorced. Each year the kids go with their dad for Thanksgiving. I tend to stick to myself and not do the big family shindig. I tried in one year post divorce without the kids and somehow all it did was magnify my loneliness.

So, this year...I'm bringing back the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and I could not be more excited! A very good friend of mine is opening up his home and we are opening our arms this holiday. I am so eager to see who ends up around our little table this year...from all different walks of life...different friends from different decades, forming new memories...together.

Maybe there is someone you could open your arms to this Thanksgiving?

Searching for Hope in Hospice

Friday night I had the honor of being asked to come and pray with a friend and her family.  The honor came in that it was in the most difficult time if their lives together as a family. Her sister had been admitted to hospice that morning and the family was in need of a miracle.

As I made the drive to the facility my mind was racing with what to possibly expect.  I have had little to no experience in these type of situations and was so afraid I'd say something completely stupid. Was I equipped to offer anything helpful to this family?

I arrived about 7:30pm and my friend met me at the entrance. She looked thin from worry, sad yet happy to see a familiar face.

She walked me in and I took note of the sanctuary, family coping rooms and other sobering realities. Deep breaths and silent prayers as I walked the halls.

I was introduced to all of the family but everything changed when I met her mother.  A sweet, short, blonde woman with puffy red eyes and a twinge of hope as she gazed at me.  It hit me as she began talking...I was the "Church friend" and could maybe, just possibly prayer that special prayer to bring her daughter back to health.  I think at this point this woman, this family was looking to anyone who could possibly help in their desperation.

I felt overwhelmed. I kept reminding myself that God can use me even if I feel incompetent.  I just need to be willing, He could use me.

We all sat and they filled me in on their loved ones steady decline. I could see their faces full of grief yet searching for a miracle. Not willing to give up.

Later I was asked if I would be comfortable entering the hospice room to pray over their family member.  She was only 43.  I was prepared for this question and knew I would do anything in my power to love them in this time. So off we went, my brave face on praying the whole time for the proper reactions and words.

Entering that room was one of the most sobering moments of my life.  To see this woman, someone so loved by her family and friends, reduced to a limp body with an oxygen mask. Unable to move, speak or communicate in any way.  My heart sank for this family.

Her mother and sister sat in chairs on either side of her as they draped their exhausted bodies over her lifeless self.  I stood behind my friend and began to beg and plead with God for a miracle. We praised him for his promises and gave our word to trust him in his decisions. Possibly easier said than done in this situation.

When we finished I found myself a hair and sat quietly, chiming in on conversation every now and then. Just trying to follow their lead and blend. Support.

We spent the rest of the evening talking, even laughing at times. I wasn't sure if I was helping in any way shape or form but I was determined to stay at my friends side until she fell asleep or kicked me out. Silently hoping maybe this would help but not all all sure how or why. So I just was. There. Sitting. Talking. Walking. Hugging. Staring. Whatever she needed.

Family came and went, said their goodbyes. I sat.

Midnight came and my friend had finally allowed herself to lay on the cot and began to get the sleepy eyed stare.  I let her know I'd stay if she needed but it looked like maybe she could actually get some rest. So I said my goodbyes and headed back home.

As I drove, the strangest feeling rose up within me. Of course you realize you need to love those around you and not take them for granted... but this was life changing for me.  I took complete inventory of the people in my life. I thought about how I love and what I offer to those in my life.  I thought about the legacy I would leave if I should pass unexpectedly.

All of the sudden I was angry. I felt alone and weak. I was dreading pulling into my home knowing my children were away with their dad and I'd be alone. If there was anywhere else I could have gone I'm sure I would have. Anything but alone.

The next day was a bust. I was a wreck. I didn't answer my phone. I cried all day. Never out of my pajamas. Yelled with big shouty all cap texts to my own mother. I was furious. To be honest I couldn't really tell you why. Maybe some generalities but that's it.

Some have said it was a spiritual warfare situation. Maybe.  I think it was feeling insignificant. That right there could very well be my biggest fear.

Anyway, I have been keeping in touch with my friend daily since Friday and not much has changed over there in hospice. My heart just aches.

She sits watching her flesh and blood fade away. Knowing what is most likely inevitable but still tying to cling on to a slight hope.

I'm not even sure how to end this post.  There are still so many questions yet to be answered.  Perhaps we can all remember this family in our prayers tonight. Send some love and comfort.

Oh, and don't miss an opportunity to tell someone you love them. Please. Please. Don't take life for granted.

Grieving The Loss of Man I'd Never Met RIP, Kelly McKay

Today I had the honor of standing among hundreds of beautiful people who all gathered in their Sundays best to say goodbye to a very special young man.

I was at a memorial service of a man I had never met yet felt so close to.  Kelly McKay was 25 when he passed away this week.  His sister, Dana, and I had classes together last year and bonded over her love and admiration of her courageous, goofy, fun loving big brother.

Kelly had spent most of his life sick.  First cancer at the age of 4.  Another at the age of 7.  A full bone marrow transplant shortly after that. Now early into his twenties and sick again.  Dana would come in to class each day eager to share Kelly's progress with us.  We all learned to adore this guy!  Such an off beat, life loving, fun dude.  Their love was incredibly evident and inspiring.

Today I found myself walking around amongst a sea of unknown faces, all mourning the loss of somebody you just knew was a special individual.  I found myself envious of them in a strange way. Hearing their words and seeing the memorabilia.  I was wishing I had the privilege of knowing this person too!  An odd but beautiful feeling.

I looked at photos of this young boy, smiling from ear to ear, hairless.  Almost every photo Kelly was without hair from the extensive treatments he had learned to live with...with that same ear to ear smile.  I learned Kelly was not the type to live a "poor me" life or wonder why it is all so unfair.  I learned a lot from this man I had never met.  Talk about joy in the midst of struggle.

My heart shattered and I couldn't help the tears that continued to stream down my face.  His mother was being escorted to her front row seat to the most unwanted occasion a mother could ever have to attend.  This is not an occasion you want to be the one in that front row seat.

She passed us, somewhat hunched over sobbing this low groan that you knew came from the tips of her toes.  Calling out "Oh, Kelly!" as she passed our bowed heads. I could hardly contain my pain for her. A mothers ultimate worst nightmare.  The family made it to their seats and shortly after the service was underway.

The people who came up to speak were real.  Honest. Seemed like Kelly had a way of making people feel they were ok to come just as they were. Real. Honest. And that he knew how to love deeply, wholly.  They all spoke and I was gripped.  My heart felt these peoples hurt.

A young man approached the pulpit to speak about his beloved friend.  His first words wrenched my gut.  "It was the first day of 2nd grade in Mrs So and So's class and I walked around the room looking for the desk that had my name across it.  I eagerly looked to see who would be sitting next to me for the rest of the school year.  I glanced and the seat right beside me was this kid, Kelly McKay."  Immediately I pictured my son in his first grade class at school.  Wondering what his life would shape up to be.  Wondering if God would ever require me to live this agony I was experiencing Mrs. McKay experience today.  Or maybe my little boy would grow up to love and care for his sick best friend until death stole them apart.  All of the possibilities and what ifs filled my brain and I was swirling.

My sweet babies. Today, I watched a beautiful woman in the lowest, saddest moment of her life.  Wondering if it just felt surreal to her.  Having her sons body reduced to a box.  Having it placed in her arms as she walks down the aisle at the end of the service sobbing a sob only a mother can feel.  A box.  That is all she is left with.  Her first born.

I will never forget Kelly McKay.  I will never forget today.  Today I learned what a true hero looks like. A silly, beautifully bald, honest, loving young man.  I am forever moved and changed by this families love and commitment.

Thank you McKay family for allowing me to share in the celebration of Kelly's life. He continues to touch peoples hearts even after death.

 

Grateful for the Awesomesauce

I had the most incredible, overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude, fierce love, and humility wash over me just moments ago.  I was doing my normal routine...walking around the house, fixing this, oganizing that before I head off to my last day of school this week.

I quickly found myself standing with trash in one hand, random toys and objects in the other, staring admirably at a little pink and purple plastic purse find with my 5 year olds monies.  Her piggy bank. It overwhelmed me an I froze.

I could see her in that purse.  The way she loves it, carries it around, constantly begging me to count her money she has earned. I just began to sob and wanted to soak in that little cheap plastic purse.  I began to peer from corner to corner in their playroom...talking aloud about all of the little things they obsess over and make them who they are.  The way my somw ill perfectly line up and organize his various "collections" of whateve he may be into at that stage...its beem trains, dinosaurs, cars, more cars, lots of cars, books, whatever.

I stood there paralyzed with a full heart and just mutterd "They love me so much."  This may sound like a weird thing to say but all of the joy and pride that built up inside my heart just overflowed and made me think of how incredible it was that these two perfect little monsters choose to love me. I am so lucky to have them.

I am beyond grateful for these moments.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't truly absord how wonderful these years truly are.  Stress, responsibilities and the thought that our family isn't quite a whole can be sucha distraction at times.  Not today.  I am fully present. Fully aware of the awesomeness that is my life as their Mom.

My not-so-fancy playroom. Oh, but the joy and memories that come from this awesome space.

(Any fellow OCDers feel the need to jump through the computer and straighten the rug like I do?!)

*Side note: I have friends that have not been able to have the blessing to be a Mommy.  My heart breaks for them and I admire the strength and courage they show every day. I write this not to be insenstitive of their struggles but to let them know I do not take this blessing for granted. Nothing hurts more than to hear someone complain of something you would give your life to have.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to share my joy.