My New Years Resolution Is To Not Be So Lame

It's a New Year. A time for new starts, fresh attitudes and hope is in the air. Well, leave it to me to be sulking in bed scrolling through all of the happy Facebook posts adding my own more "realistic" commentary to what is probably actually going on in their perfect Facebook world. 

Dont get me wrong, I think I'm a pretty grateful person for the most part. And in my own defense, I have my fair share of real life struggles that make it easy for someone to lie in bed and enjoy a pity party every now and again. 

But then it just hits me sometimes. (And boy am I glad when it does because I can get pretty lame if I go unchecked for a while!) 

Thoughts begin to invade my brain and challenge my more dumb approach to life...

 "Is this really who I want to be?" 

"Do I want to just exist in this life?"

"You know better. Get up."

"Do whatever you can to be love with whatever it is you do have."

"You have a choice."

"You may feel defeated right now. But this is what determines real strength. Endurance."

"So?! What do you choose?!"

At this point I know what needs to be done. I've lived too many years broke, lonely and barely trying to get by...but with absolute true joy and gratitude resounding in my heart and life. I know better. 

There is no way to achieve true joy other than to give of yourself. Your love. Your time. When I lose the "others focused" mentality I am left to only think about myself and those in my small little circle. What a dangerous place to be! 

Everything begins to revolve around you and your need or desire for happiness. You try to get it any way you can and it ends up sucking the life out of you and anyone near you.  

So today I had a little wake up call and decided to give in whatever way I was capable. 

I had WAY too much lasagna and desserts left over from the holidays so I started there. Dished up healthy portions into to go containers and wrote notes of joy, silliness and/or encouragement on each. 

Next I went through a drawer of hotel toiletries that had just been taking up space and divided out little hygiene care packages. 

I knew of a local hang out where the homeless community hung out but it was mostly men and I really wanted to give them some new clothes, especially something to help keep warm. Sooo, my boyfriend grew very curious as to why he was receiving picture texts of his clothing asking how attached he might be to certain items from his closet! He went along with my weirdness without explanation and BAM I had outfits to give! 

I grabbed some sodas from the fridge and grocery bags from under the sink...the kitchen was a flurry for a solid 2 hours! I stopped in a local shop who happily gave me take out utensils and napkins to top off my goods. 

I wrote funny notes on the bags and off I went to hopefully not make a fool of myself. I prayed with each step that if there were people there when I arrived that God would place just the right ones who needed whatever it was I had to offer. 

I determined I wouldn't say much, just smile and be friendly. So to my surprise I saw 4 men hanging out at the spot. (I had 4 bags!)  I smiled and casually greeted them and wished them a happy new year. I walked passed and began to leave the bags against the wall without words. They must have read the bags and knew right away what I was doing. 

There was a mix of shock, confusion and sweet sweet childlike gratitude as I walked off quietly and left them to look through the items with dignity. The look on one of their faces will stay with me. 

I am so grateful for the moments that come and kick me in my stupid butt. The world needs LESS of my selfishness and way more of whatever it is I can give at whatever moment I might be in. 

It can be difficult to make the transition from self centered to others centered. We are pretty much programmed to "do what makes you happy!" I say that is the worst piece of advice. Do what makes someone else happy and watch what kind of true joy you will experience in yourself.  

Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.