Holiday Cheer...Ish.

I apologize in advance if you've stumbled upon this post as a first visit to my blog... I am typically full of optimism and silver linings... Not really today.

The holidays have been a rough spot for the last several years. Post divorce and still praying for someone to complete our family unit and fill in the little daddy shaped holes in my children's hearts.

Each year I tell myself I will celebrate and change the cycle of sad. I end up just getting through, feeling satisfied that at least I was able to keep a smile on my face and feign excitement for the kids sake. This year, unfortunately, was a repeat of the past 4.

It seemed like everyone I knew as a "single friend" had finally found their other half and were either getting hitched or announcing the engagement. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them. But left feeling like I've just been forgotten. Or worse, not worthy.

The last few years have been rough and this past year, especially dumb. It's probably a good thing nobody came along because I'm not sure it could have even worked. Well, actually I know it wouldn't have since the one I thought was well, you know, THE one came...promised...and then went. I'm not altogether sure I'm not over that one just yet. (Who am I kidding)

I feel guilty for complaining because so many have it far worse. Trust me, I know this. I just would like to feel like my feelings matter. I understand it could be worse.

I mean, although the Waffle House staff is lovely and I enjoy spending holidays with them... I think I'm ready to move on.

I do have faith. Even with faith, it's difficult to walk the journey at times. You know something will come to you but you have no idea when, how or really anything. It wears on your strength sometimes. Holidays always getcha.

The worst part I think is that I know what I want but it isn't within reach. And possibly not even Gods plan for me. Having to make a choice of keep holding on because its so important, or let go, endure the pain and try your best to move on.

The one thing I do know is that letting go feels an awful lot like giving up. And that's one thing this girl just can't do.

...this post brought to you from the comfort of my good ole standby booth at my trusty Waffle House...

Throwback Thursday! (I Heart This One!)

This is a blog entry from about 4 years ago, immediately following an awful divorce and moving in with my parents. Children were barely 1 and 3...


What True Love Looks Like...

"So at first glance all you seem to be looking at is a random office desk, some files and a microwave…right? Not to me. You see…look at the left hand side of the photo and you will see a unopened water bottle gently placed atop a randomly placed microwave…amongst office supplies…strange…? Not to me. …let me go back a step…follow me here…
For those of you who do not know…I have recently moved in with my children to my mother and fathers home due to a recent divorce. Life has been tough but we are loved and extremely grateful to have the unconditional support we receive in this home. So…my 2 children and I share one bedroom and on nights when I need extra good sleep…which is pretty much every night…my dad allows me to crash on the bed in his office to escape the nighttime grunts and moans of the children….
keep followin me here…
Oftentimes my dad will hear me make my nightly trips (or super early trips) down to the fridge…making a bottle like a zombie…sticking it in the microwave and trying to rush back up the stairs without injuring myself in my sleepy stuper to get the bottle in the mouth before one child wakes the other…exhausting.
So…today I come up to my little office getaway (which is usually less than relaxing with papers flying from one end to the next)…to find everything at peace, organized, and restful…so I thinking “wow, dad was ambitious today!”…and then I look over and my heart melted. He had done this for me.
Strategically placed between the desk and the filing cabinet is a lovingly placed microwave…for heating the midnight bottle… along with an unopened bottle of water…to keep me from having to run the gauntlet. He never says a word, just wants to show love.
Some people want diamonds or elaborate vacations…this is true love."

A Very Merry UnAnniversary To Me!

So instead of celebrating my would be 8th wedding anniversary I am walking into school trying to piece together a better existence for my little family.

There may have been a time this would have made me sad, reflect on what could have been...but not anymore.

Things were awful. They were from the beginning and only got worse.

Getting up off the ground and pulling myself together enough to take baby steps toward a better future was the best choice I have made in years.

Never in a million years would I want to have children growing up in a broken home. But this life I have created for them is far more whole than anything I could have given them had I not left. We have hope now.

I'm not the type to ever celebrate a divorce. It is tragic in any case. However, I refuse to wallow in grief and resent what I should have or could have had.

I will rejoice in the new life we live. I will be grateful for the lessons I have learned. Embrace the struggles that have made me a deeper more insightful and compassionate woman.

Life doesn't always go according to our plan. But we can choose how we react to those little twists in our path.

Freakin' Control Freak!

Well, what a freakin' way to wake up this fine Thursday morning!  With 5 consecutive phone calls and nasty text messages from your spiraling out of control ex husband.  Um...dude...meet Xanax!

See, yesterday he was told 'no' by my attorney.  After neglecting to answer papers he was served months ago (including 2 fair notice letters) he wrote a typical huge, well articulated sob story...that up until yesterday, every attorney judge and pool boy has fallen for. Well, finally someone is onto his slimy ways and is making him be accountable.

This. Does. Not. Make. A. Neurotic. Control. Freak. Very. Happy.

I admit.  My tummy was doing the yucky kind of somersaults when my attorney told him he denied his pleas and will have to face the judge and possibly jail if he does not comply.  I know what this means.  Take cover, it's about to be a sh*tstorm up in here.

Surprisingly I did not get a ludicrous email yesterday.  He has figured out I print them all. :)  So, I get a call at 8:30pm.  I don't answer, kids have been in bed an hour and he knows full well their bedtime is 7:30.  So I let it go.  This morning starting at 6:50 my phone is blowing up!  I text him back politely saying "Kids don't get up until 7:10, I'll have them call you during breakfast."  The calls keep coming like a crazy person.  2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th...I let them all go.  He responds: "You should have returned my call last night!"  To which I simply say: "Kids were in bed"  Then the frantic next two texts: "Doesn't matter. It was an emergency.  You should provide access to them 24-7"  Um, are we kidding here?

What constitutes an emergency when you are 5 and 6?  you live 2 hours away and you want me to pull them from their sleep...I still haven't figured any possible reason this would be necessary.  I ignore him. This is the same guy who calls maybe once every 2 weeks and when he does he demands I go retrieve them from a play date at the neighbors because he has rights, dammit!

Of course, he is blowing up the phone, it's 7:22.  Kids eyes are barely open, sitting down to eat.  I can hear the whole conversation.  It's crap, as always. Pumping them for information, they are completely disinterested...and nothing close to an emergency. Just him trying to push me around and show he still has power over me. Whaaaatver.

I admit I still get fearful of him.  What he may be capable of doing or getting away with.  He is so skilled at deceit and manipulation it would make you sick. The man who sees his kids 2 nights a month and hardly phones them maybe once in between.  That's enough to make me sick!

I am beyond exhausted with this bullying.  I don't show my fear, only calm, unaffected me. o way I could give him that pleasure.

I pray, hope, wish, cross my fingers, whatever you may that this court battle will end all of this tormenting.  (this incident is a small insignificant one, there are more where this came from and worse. He's a peach)

I dream of the day something or someone can protect me from him.  To say, "No, this stops now. You deal with me, buddy!" Ok, maybe not as cheesy as that, but you know what I mean! 

I am exhausted from being called a terrible mother and selfish and awful and whatever else he can throw.  I know it is all nonsense. Everything he spouts at me should be directed at him, I get it.  But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt.  It is more the feeling of 'Is this ever going to end? Are we always going to have to do it like this?  Will you ever own up to your mistakes and stop trying to blame me?"  It is more the hopeless feeling that brings me down.

Anyway, I'm bracing for the storm, praying for all things to work together for my good. (and for the attorney to magically waive all of my fees because I am just so awesome!  A girl can hope, right?!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Home.

Last night I made the 2 hour drive to drop the kids off with their dad for his 1 night every two weeks with the kids.  Don't get me started.

So, recently both their father and I had found ourselves moving into new homes just one weekend apart so the kids had a lot of adjustments going on. Their dad is remarried to his third wife.  I was number 2.  The kids seem to be ok with their stepmother so I am very glad for that.

Unfortunately he has ever had much involvement with the kids. Other than his court ordered child support and 2 nights a month (and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a month) that's it. Your typically "fun dad" who has no rules and sends them home exhausted, hungry and filthy.

The kids are not 5 and 7 and starting to understand the difference in roles between their parents. My son, the 7 year old has for about a year now expressed grief over having to go to his fathers.  And now the little one is beginning the same pattern. 

Although when we moved it was to someone elses 40 acre horse farm (woo hoo) our home was going to be quite an adjustment. Maybe 900sf, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom built in the 1950s and some parts definitely scream "I am 60+ years old!" None of the doors shut properly, the foundation slants terribly, unusually low ceilings, the whole dang house is just wonky.  Oh, and the ants. We lost a whole pantry to the ants. But it save me a few hundred dollars a month and I was praying the lifestyle would redeem the step down we were making home-wise.

Well, you can imagine my surprise (and embarrassed to admit, horror) when I learned dad's new house was also farmlike...except... Daddy's new place was 5,600sf, 6 private acres with 2 lakes and a new SUV purchased just for off road adventures. Oh and "Kids! We are going to let you pick out your own farm animals and build all kinds of awesome chicken coups and treehouses!" -Insert dejected mom face here-

I need to be shamefully honest here. I was scared. I was scared that all dad's bells and whisles would make my kids want to live at Daddy's, to be less grateful for what I had worked so hard at providing and to flat out leave Mommy and my wonky house in the dust. My insecurities started screaming. "You can't compete with that!" "It is going to be 'Mommy who?!'"  "You aren't worth enough for them to want to stay with you when they could have all of that."

Now, anyone who knows me at all knows I am not defined by things. Things don't impress me much to tell ya the truth.  I know people quite well who have lots and lots of fancy things.  And more times than not they are still searching for that something to complete them.  I'm not searching. I feel whole in my heart and no amount of money can buy that.

However, these are children.  Children are so impressionable and easy to sway with "things."  I was worried Mommy's unending love and full heart just wouldn't be enough.

Last night I drove the kids to their Dads. As usual the pleading began for me to call their dad and ask if they could just not come this time. (Yeah, that would go over like a fart in church) I knew I had to take them and there was no way out so I try my best to ease their fears and put their hearts in a comfier frame of mind.

My son said something in all of his sad pleading that hit me. He said "Mom, I just don't like Dad's house. I just want to be with you. Please!"  I had this weird mixture of sadness and curiosity.  So I inquired... He says to me "Dad's house is just too big mommy. I don't feel comfortable there. I just want to be home with you."  Home. 

Home.  I was stunned. Shocked. Ashamed to admit somewhat happy. My baby just wanted Home. It did not matter one bit about the goofy tiny house we now called home.  Mommy was home.  And it didn't matter what the 4 walls that contained us looked like.

While sharing some of these thoughts, a friend challenged my thinking... "Well, it isn't a competition, right?"  No. It isn't.  I don't need to live extravagantly and I don't need my children to value me more than their father.  I pray someday their father will become the man that they deserve in this life. I can only say that when you love how Mommys love and sacrifice how Single Mommys sacrifice, protect like a Mama Bear (even when sometimes the protecting is from the hurt left from their own father) you are going to experience some helplessness and fear that your whole world could be swept away by something like this.

The person who says they have no insecurities is a person full of poo.  Simple as that.  When you allow yourself to invest in love like this, it is as scary as crap. 

It hurts me to my core to know my son has fear of his father and both of my children experience insecurity and grief when it is time to visit. The tearful phone calls. The pleading to come and get them. But I am comforted to know that I must be doing something right.

Ever Wonder "How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!"

That's where I am at right now!   How The Heck Is This EVER Going To Come Together?!

I was a comfy stay at home mom of 2 babies when my world was rocked a messy divorce that left me penniless, jobless, car-less, and plan-less!

After a couple of years bopping around trying to make ends meet with 2, sometime 3 jobs I decided it was time for a change.  I secured a wonderful job in my dream field and moved out of state, away from my family to start our new life. Everything was falling into place and I felt proud, grateful, joyous! 6 months after moving away, my position was "eliminated" due to budget cuts and I was on again living in the land of the lesses.

I ended up doing the 2 to 3 three jobs at once again, even adding in cleaning homes of friends to make just a bit more in hopes of just getting by.  This was no good. I needed to dig deeper.

Last year I did something that took every brave bone in my body.  Something I swore up and down I would N-E-V-E-R do.  (I bet you're thinking I was stripping or something! lol)  No, for me this was worse...I went back to school.  Age 28 going to college for the first time.

I have always had a passion for Sign Language and helping others.  So, I discovered I qualified for a grant to pay my way at least for that first year. I was petrified and elated all at the same time.  I was going to face my biggest fear (Algebra!) and get my Bachelors Degree.  Whaaaaat?!  I was way more petrified than elated!

I got through my first year of big girl school. Not without hiccups and bruises but I did it.  I was proud of my "Non Traditional" education status.  I was working hard and creating a plan to provide a better life for me and my children.

This morning I went down to school to register. Something was wrong with my Financial aid. My heart sank.  All I could think was "This is my hope. This is my future. This is my ticket out of this painful life! This can't be happening!"  I found myself in a dark hour. My own midnight in the bright and sunny Georgia day.

It would be weeks if not months before I recieved the necessary funding to continue with school, if at all. The lady looked at me and said "Well, just pay up front to start the semester and just get reimbursed."  Ummm, if I could afford that I wouldn't be standig in this line, lady. Frustrated, I grabbed the kids and left.

I'm driving home trying to think of how I can earn enough money in 20 days to pay for the first semester when it all started happening... email from the landlord about my overgrown lawn and will have to pay more money to keep it up and I better do it now, bills stacking up with the lovely 'final notice' stamp, back to school lists I have been putting off in hopes of a financial miracle, an empty refrigerator,  the list just seemed to grow like the weeds in my yard! It all just swirled around in my head making me dizzy.

This is the point where I take a deep breath and realize... This is all a part of a greater plan. The only place I need to be is face down, in prayer. This is an opportunity to grow. I have a big God and if it is meant for me to walk this path I THINK is right for me than it. will. be.  I need to free my heart of the worry and let my faith speak.

Surrender is a tough word. Really think about it. To fully surender. That is a difficult thought when you are the head of a household and that house contains your 2 precious children. Do I truly trust God to lead us? Do I really trust that he can untangle this mess? My answer is a big, fat YES.

Sometimes this life can just flat out suck. Tear us down. Break our spirits.  Our job it to keep getting back up and go one more round. Wipe the brow and fight. Good thing if we choose, we can have the Almighty in our corner. I know I need him.

So, I still have absolutely no idea if/how the school, lawn, bills, food, etc issues will resolve...BUT I do know if I keep my eyes focused on Jesus and his promises, we will be ok.  It WILL all come together for my good.

Every night one of my favorites prayers is simply "Thank you Lord for your promises."  This encompasses so much of what I need. He promises to provide, to protect and to love unconditionally. And I trust him.

I hope to be on here sometime in the near future updating you on the miracles that have been coming together over here. Until then... Find hope in the Lords promises!


Here is my go to link for times such as these! What an amazing promise!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0jpHtsSEQo

The Hurt That Settles In And Stays A While...

Have you ever heard someone say something like this... "Ok, so it was just emotional abuse.  He didn't lay a hand on you, did he?!  Cause if he did...!!!"  I cringe when I hear statements like this.  It actually sends creepy chills down my spine.  Let me explain...

So often we are too quick to dismiss the damage and scars left from mental and emotional abuse. We see the bruises from the physical so yes, it is shocking.  But bruises and wounds heal. The true trauma of even a physically abused women is what it does to her mental and emotional state.  The fear, anxiety, anticipation of the next blow...this is what lingers and hinders her from living a healthy, normal life post abuse.

I have never been hit by a man and I will not even attempt to say that I understand this feeling.  My best friend from childhood has been beaten so badly we thought she would not make it on several occasions. Still to this day she bears awful scars across her face and body from countless attacks from her boyfriend.  Me, on the other hand, I was married to an incredibly deceitful and mentally abusive man who came close to stealing every last bit of who I was and what I had to offer. I was a shell of a human.

I sat on one side of a glass jail visitation booth and picked up the grungy phone to hear the voice of my best friend who had made a few wrong turns in her life. We sat for an hour trading stories and filling each other in on the ups and downs of the past few years.

As we continued to share there was one common thread we kept coming to, each time shaking our heads in agreement and connecting through our pain. The lingering fears of the mental abuse.

After several years of cowering, apologizing and trying to keep my head above water I decided it was time to step up for myself and my children and leave. At the advice of a counselor I agreed my children needed at least one healthy parent. And right now they had none.  With some hard work and sacrifice I was determined to heal and become the best mother I could possibly be for my children.

Although it proved to be the smartest decision of my life, unfortunately, the abuse didn't stop.  Even after 4 years of divorce I still cringe when I see his name appear in an email or call.  Always hurling insults and anything evil he can throw to hit the most vulnerable parts of my being. The man I trusted with my life, spoke my vows to, started a family with had become my living nightmare.

But here is the difference. Now, ...I have taken the control back.  You see, I let him take my dignity, my worth, my everything. Not anymore.

I have learned to find my value in the eyes of my savior. My gracious, loving Jesus. He calls me beautiful.  He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb and embraced every mistake I would ever make and loves me unconditionally. This is the love I cling to and trust now. I am safe in his love. 

There is a song that helped catapult me into trusting Christ to care for my broken self.  So much of how I relate to this life is through music.  I want to encourage you to take a moment and find healing and true love in our Heavenly (perfect) Father through this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hyefo5DXLE

"In Better Hands"It's hard to stand
On shifting sand
It's hard to shine
In the shadows of the night
You can't be free
If you don't reach for help
And you can't love
If you don't love yourself
But there is hope when my faith runs out...
Cuz I'm in better hands now

[Chorus:]
It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

You can't be saved
If you're not reaching out for help

Tonight, I pray that you will be delivered from your hurts, your pain and suffering. Take a chance on real love. Christ's perfect love.  Find yourself in better hands.