The Ugly Side

For the last 4 plus years I have been a single mom.  I went from the comfort of a stay at home mom to a struggling single parent with nothing.  No home, no car, no furniture, no job, no college degree. 

Although I am working very hard at acquiring my Bachelors Degree focused on Sign Language Interpreting, sometimes this inbetween time is just rough.  I typically have a great attitude toward the stage we are in. Proud to be working my butt off for the benefit of my family. Sacrificing things for myself has become easier and quite frankly, routine. Right now, it's all about necessity and one step at a time. Keeping my head down and trudging forward with a gratful spirit.

Well, I have to admit, today was a bit rough. And this is all part of the routine.  Every once in a while the routine of sacrifice and "go without" just wears on ya.

I typically stay away from retail all together. It's just wayyyy  too tempting for a wannabe fashionista like myself.  Oh my, if I could let loose in Nordstrom Rack even just one day... *Sigh*  But today I went out to Kohl's with a friend and Hobby Lobby with some birthday money I was determined to spend on myself for a change.  Although I had gifted money it was still such a sad time.  Knowing that if I spend this money selfishly I may have to go without paying a bill or 2 until I get the lovely "Final Notice" stamp on it...

Every once in a while it just gets old to wish you could do even the simplest things but not be able.  To need Pull Ups for your little girl but you're out and don't have enough in the bank to go buy a pack so you change the sheets every day until something comes in. 

I'm tired. I want to not have to manipulate free activities for this kids if we want to have a good time.  I want to actually say "yes" when they sweetly ask if they can go to Sky Zone, or Bowling, or whatever.  I want to not stress everytime a bill shows up that I'm not sure how I'm going to pay.  I want to have plenty of food in the fridge and not worry when I'll be able to shop next.  I want to plan meals for a week at a time. I want to experience a summer vacation one of these summers. I want to fill up my gas tank without anxiety of what I'll have to go without because of all the driving I do for school. I want to get an invitation to a birthday party and not worry if I can buy a gift. Oh boy, the heavens would just open up the day I can take myself for a massage. I want to see something that maybe isn't on clearance and feel that I can buy it without extreme guilt. I want to pay my own car payment and life free of asking for help from my folks.   I just want better for us.

One day this will all change.  The hard work will pay off, I'm sure.  But until then, there are moments when I just get a little worn down.  I am grateful for this time in our lives though. I have developed a sincere appreciation for life, hard work and living on love. It has built in me compassion and a grateful spirit I could not have known had life just been smooth. I am grateful for having to learn to work so hard...but I'd be a complete liar if I said I wasn't ready for it to be over! :-D

Grateful for the Awesomesauce

I had the most incredible, overwhelming sense of joy, gratitude, fierce love, and humility wash over me just moments ago.  I was doing my normal routine...walking around the house, fixing this, oganizing that before I head off to my last day of school this week.

I quickly found myself standing with trash in one hand, random toys and objects in the other, staring admirably at a little pink and purple plastic purse find with my 5 year olds monies.  Her piggy bank. It overwhelmed me an I froze.

I could see her in that purse.  The way she loves it, carries it around, constantly begging me to count her money she has earned. I just began to sob and wanted to soak in that little cheap plastic purse.  I began to peer from corner to corner in their playroom...talking aloud about all of the little things they obsess over and make them who they are.  The way my somw ill perfectly line up and organize his various "collections" of whateve he may be into at that stage...its beem trains, dinosaurs, cars, more cars, lots of cars, books, whatever.

I stood there paralyzed with a full heart and just mutterd "They love me so much."  This may sound like a weird thing to say but all of the joy and pride that built up inside my heart just overflowed and made me think of how incredible it was that these two perfect little monsters choose to love me. I am so lucky to have them.

I am beyond grateful for these moments.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't truly absord how wonderful these years truly are.  Stress, responsibilities and the thought that our family isn't quite a whole can be sucha distraction at times.  Not today.  I am fully present. Fully aware of the awesomeness that is my life as their Mom.

My not-so-fancy playroom. Oh, but the joy and memories that come from this awesome space.

(Any fellow OCDers feel the need to jump through the computer and straighten the rug like I do?!)

*Side note: I have friends that have not been able to have the blessing to be a Mommy.  My heart breaks for them and I admire the strength and courage they show every day. I write this not to be insenstitive of their struggles but to let them know I do not take this blessing for granted. Nothing hurts more than to hear someone complain of something you would give your life to have.  Thank you for graciously allowing me to share my joy.

Day 4 And Hallelujah No Hot Flashes!

It is Day 4 of entering my induced menopause.  (Still sounds so gross to say)  Although I did almost chew my kids' heads completely off today I think it was normal stress of being sick, first day of my school and a ton of junk combined...oh, and the uber whiney kids.  :-/

I'm happy to report that so far all I have experienced is some sleepinees, little bit of lower back pain and that's pretty much it!  I am hoping this will be the "new normal" while on this little journey.

I was so nervous to start my 2nd year of "non-traditional" college status and the beginning of an intense interpreting program while entering menopause! Can you imagine that recipe for disaster?!   Phew! So far, so good.

This is my "Smile for mommy, it's your first day of school!" pic! LOL  All I needed was someone to pack me my little brown lunchbag and a lovenote on my napkin!

Happy 29th Birthday, You're Menopausal! Whaaat?!!!

I never thought that for my 29th Birthday I'd be given the gift of Menopause.

For about a year I have been struggling with seemingly random health junk.  Nothing life threatening but sucky crap.

Here is some of the list of fun: (Not for the weak tummy friends! It's about to get sexy up in here)
-Severe Acne
-Skin Discoloration
-High Blood Pressure
-Rapid Weight Gain
-Abdominal Pain
-Non Stop Bleeding/Inability to have regular cycle
-Frequent Urination (Like 3-4x per night!)
-Severe Constipation (yummy, right)
-Inability to conceive naturally (this I learned after diagnosis)

These are just the more substantial issues I have been dealing with this lovely 28th year of life.  After consulting a few doctors I finally found answers.  I have a bad case of Endometriosis as well as Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS).

This meant up to 16+ pills daily and surgery to alleviate pain.  I have awful scarring across my whole face from the painful battles with acne. My once bright and bouncy skin is now ravaged, wrinkled up and dry because of all of the harsh creams. It ain't cute.

I feel like these issues have taken over and I'm left a mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointmet to be injected with the medication Lupron.  This will put me into a menopausal state for 6 months.  You realize what this means right?  Hot Flashes. Mood Swings. Batcrap Crazy!  There is a pill called Norethin Ace you are supposed to take daily to reduce side effects but I just feel I am in for an awful experience. (Should be AWESOME for the new relationship in my life. He is going to run for the hills!!!)

The idea is that my internal organs cannot heal as long as I continue to have a cycle.  Everything will be shut down for 6 months to give it time to get healthy again.

I have been researching reviews about experiences with Lupron and it is horrifying some of the things I read. Although there are some positive reviews, the awful ones are just disturbing and seem to appear more frequently.

I am scared.  I feel this is something I need to do though.

Any bit of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I am alone up here and quietly wish I had someone to drag along with me tomorrow.  Even as I write that it brings tears to my eyes.  I am just so afraid of screwing my body up even more.  It has been so difficult this last year to deal with all of this unpleasant, gross and embarassing crap. Don't even get me started on what it does to your confidence as a single-trying-to-date mom. :-/

Menopause...here I come.

Crock Pots & PTA, Y'all!

Today I attended a "Room Mom" meeting at kids' school, accepted a position as PTA Chair for Corporate Sponsor Donations, went grocery shopping, got way too much excitement over organizing the food pantry and especially the spices, found a new healthy recipe, got the crock pot out, scheduled kid dental appointments, cleaned the house and fed the horses, said prayers and read devotions...then just giggled in the quiet... So funny how we make these transitions in life without even noticing. One day you wake up and it's all Crock Pots and PTA. *Sigh* I ♥ this life.

Run Like a Horse! ...Well, maybe a lame horse...but still.

No, seriously, I ran in circles around one of our horse pastures! lol  Today I ran like the lamest horse you've ever seen. I HATE to run. I don't find it exhilirating, freeing, or energizing...it sucks. But I need to find a way to incorporate free exercise... Drumroll please...

Today was Day 2 of the Couch to 5K App (Don't worry Neena, I will still be lame when you are able to join!) I have to say I love this program so far.

I picked a pasture that had a little path mowed along the perimeter and called it my training facility.  It's a smaller circle than the huge mile tracks at the schools.  This way I feel like I hit smaller milestones more often with each lap.

Couch to 5K takes a gimpy sitting duck like me and training you slowly yet steadily at a pace where you feel the push but don't think you are going to die!  You can even choose a sweet natured trainer voice, a tough straight forward trainer voice or a drill sargent!  It links to your itunes and so you can jam to your own tunes too. Perfect combo for me.  And consiering I am out in the back of a pasture somewhere I get to sing along like a big fat dork!

I have to admit..I'm a bit excited to watch my running log on the app to see my progress.  I have always wanted to run a 5K.  Let's see if I found the right tool to get me there.

Any running tips to share?  I know I Run For Wine has a great blog to follow.

They actually got put to use!  All dirty and everything! lol  So proud.

Home.

Last night I made the 2 hour drive to drop the kids off with their dad for his 1 night every two weeks with the kids.  Don't get me started.

So, recently both their father and I had found ourselves moving into new homes just one weekend apart so the kids had a lot of adjustments going on. Their dad is remarried to his third wife.  I was number 2.  The kids seem to be ok with their stepmother so I am very glad for that.

Unfortunately he has ever had much involvement with the kids. Other than his court ordered child support and 2 nights a month (and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls a month) that's it. Your typically "fun dad" who has no rules and sends them home exhausted, hungry and filthy.

The kids are not 5 and 7 and starting to understand the difference in roles between their parents. My son, the 7 year old has for about a year now expressed grief over having to go to his fathers.  And now the little one is beginning the same pattern. 

Although when we moved it was to someone elses 40 acre horse farm (woo hoo) our home was going to be quite an adjustment. Maybe 900sf, 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom built in the 1950s and some parts definitely scream "I am 60+ years old!" None of the doors shut properly, the foundation slants terribly, unusually low ceilings, the whole dang house is just wonky.  Oh, and the ants. We lost a whole pantry to the ants. But it save me a few hundred dollars a month and I was praying the lifestyle would redeem the step down we were making home-wise.

Well, you can imagine my surprise (and embarrassed to admit, horror) when I learned dad's new house was also farmlike...except... Daddy's new place was 5,600sf, 6 private acres with 2 lakes and a new SUV purchased just for off road adventures. Oh and "Kids! We are going to let you pick out your own farm animals and build all kinds of awesome chicken coups and treehouses!" -Insert dejected mom face here-

I need to be shamefully honest here. I was scared. I was scared that all dad's bells and whisles would make my kids want to live at Daddy's, to be less grateful for what I had worked so hard at providing and to flat out leave Mommy and my wonky house in the dust. My insecurities started screaming. "You can't compete with that!" "It is going to be 'Mommy who?!'"  "You aren't worth enough for them to want to stay with you when they could have all of that."

Now, anyone who knows me at all knows I am not defined by things. Things don't impress me much to tell ya the truth.  I know people quite well who have lots and lots of fancy things.  And more times than not they are still searching for that something to complete them.  I'm not searching. I feel whole in my heart and no amount of money can buy that.

However, these are children.  Children are so impressionable and easy to sway with "things."  I was worried Mommy's unending love and full heart just wouldn't be enough.

Last night I drove the kids to their Dads. As usual the pleading began for me to call their dad and ask if they could just not come this time. (Yeah, that would go over like a fart in church) I knew I had to take them and there was no way out so I try my best to ease their fears and put their hearts in a comfier frame of mind.

My son said something in all of his sad pleading that hit me. He said "Mom, I just don't like Dad's house. I just want to be with you. Please!"  I had this weird mixture of sadness and curiosity.  So I inquired... He says to me "Dad's house is just too big mommy. I don't feel comfortable there. I just want to be home with you."  Home. 

Home.  I was stunned. Shocked. Ashamed to admit somewhat happy. My baby just wanted Home. It did not matter one bit about the goofy tiny house we now called home.  Mommy was home.  And it didn't matter what the 4 walls that contained us looked like.

While sharing some of these thoughts, a friend challenged my thinking... "Well, it isn't a competition, right?"  No. It isn't.  I don't need to live extravagantly and I don't need my children to value me more than their father.  I pray someday their father will become the man that they deserve in this life. I can only say that when you love how Mommys love and sacrifice how Single Mommys sacrifice, protect like a Mama Bear (even when sometimes the protecting is from the hurt left from their own father) you are going to experience some helplessness and fear that your whole world could be swept away by something like this.

The person who says they have no insecurities is a person full of poo.  Simple as that.  When you allow yourself to invest in love like this, it is as scary as crap. 

It hurts me to my core to know my son has fear of his father and both of my children experience insecurity and grief when it is time to visit. The tearful phone calls. The pleading to come and get them. But I am comforted to know that I must be doing something right.