Aunt Funpants!

Some times it is just so much fun to embrace the fun aunt role! Yes to jumping on beds, yeah sure you can have that sugary drink, go ahead and see if you can make it across the gap of the beds! Ha.

Sometimes goofing off is the magical happy pill.

Freeze dance on the hotel beds! Girls totally won!

"I'm Batman!"

Yesterday I had the honor of hearing a rather personal heartbreaking admission from a very dear friend. We will call her Janie.

Janie was sitting across from me as girlfriends do all curled up on opposite ends of the couch as we swapped silly stories and the latest details of our lives.  Janie is always chipper, sweet and so upbeat at times you could just smack her.  And I love it.

Somehow the topic of sex and wives roles in the marriage came up and I watched the always smiley face turn and twist in ways I had not seen before.  Concerned I began to inquire more. Janie seemed unsure of what she was about to say but I am so glad she trusted our friendship to proceed to share. (We will call her hubby Jack!) "Well, Jack and I are kinda maybe once every 6 weeks or so kinda people.  And when we do do it I just have such a hard time and hope it's over quick.  Is that bad?"  I tried to hold my surprise but I'm not sure I did such a great job.

Janie began to tell me about her struggles to want to please her husband.  She is an amazing wife and they have the kind of relationship I hope to have someday. Jack is patient, hard working and quick as a whip with the jokes. They are a lovely couple.  But secretly Janie was dealing with some unfortunate aftermath of a hysterectomy at a young age and side effects from some medications making her sex drive just take a dive.

I saw the pain and embarrassment in her eyes and I knew what she was feeling.  I had been through a similar experience in life and it is nothing short of awful.  We began to peel back the onion and get to some really good stuff.   I tried my best to encourage her to a "sex plan" that I believed would light the fire and help out a bit.

That evening she sat down with Jack and laid out her plan.  "Jack, I have decided that I value you and our marriage and although I have tried just about every potion, trick and stimulant to get our sex life going I am not giving up.  I have a plan.  I want to make it a point to have sex twice a week for a month and see how things go. I want this to be a proirity but I will need a few things from you to help this to be a success."  She began to clue him in on a few things she knew she enjoyed and would like to stay away from to help her feel more comfortable.  He was beyond happy to comly.  They were now a team. A team working together to bring a wholeness and new level of intimacy between them.

Well, I went over to visit with Janie this morning and I walked in to a giddy woman dancing around the kitchen to Katy Perry, bopping like a teenager who just got asked out by her dream crush.  It was the cutest thing ever.  She couldn't wait to gush about how great she felt and how Jack was so happy this morning.  She says with a little smirk...he even got out of the shower all frisky today, wore his towel as a cape and exclaimed 'I'm Batman!!!' Oh it was so cute"

I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. Here was this beautiful woman, fantastic mother beaming with joy. Her efforts to love her husband had paid off in ways I don't think she even expected. It is such an amazing and wonderful power we have to love and care for our husbands. I was inspired by her openness, bravery and determination to serve her husband and heal a broken spot in their marriage.

Women, we are called to love and care for our husbands.  What an honor! I can't think of a better charge. I think we are quick to forget or perhaps don't ever truly understand the power ew hold over our men. This can be used for good or harm. We have the power to heal a broken heart with uplifting words and encouragement.  However, we also have the power to tear down a good man and reduce him to dust. Our men need our love and support.  What Janie did for her husband speaks volumes to him, his worth and I garauntee you she will get that kitchen painted whenever she wanted without a fuss!  Our men need our reinforcement. It is a daily choice on our part how we treat them, the words we speak to them and the tone in which we use.

So Ladies, If he is Batman, than we are Catwomen! Now meow little kitties and use your powers for good!

Dating. What the?!

I admit.  Back in "my day" I was pretty good at snaggin' dates, being flirty and having a great time. But my goodness, the dating game has changed! I have been divorced a little over 4 years now and I've come to the conclusion that ... I am clueless about how this all works!

I'd like to know the "rules" of dating these days. Or at least your take on them.

I'm finding myself going back and forth about how I feel regarding dating more than one person at a time thing.  I tend to favor only dating one person at a time.  It is just too hard to keep all of the info, names and details straight! I feel if you believe someone is worth your time you should give them your full attention to give it a fair go. This way you know quicker if your wasting your time and truly gave yourself in full. If it doesn't work out then you know you gave it your all and you move on!  No?

And then how do you feel about the other person dating more than just you?  Technically they aren'y your boyfriend yet so they can do what they want...but what about someone feeling like you are enough to see through one way or another?  Am I too old fashioned?

Dating as an adult...and especially an adult with 2 children?  Insert crazy, confused look on my face!

Help!

Big Fat Scary Step of Faith...or Stupidity?

A few months ago I found out that my 2 kids and I were going to need to move out of our comfy little home where we dwelled in the lovely, cushy bubble of suburbia complete with close together matching houses and the only home we have known here living in Georgia.  I felt like my world was falling apart and to be quite honest, I had flashes of the future with my poor little family homeless and begging. (ok, so I knew it would go THAT far but I was pretty scared)

We don't have much extra income (or really any) so I was nervous how I was going to swing moving costs, deposits, a truck and even people to help! My family is all in a different state and I don't have much help around here in that respect.

Anyway, I had a minor (somewhat major, but who's counting) breakdown until I decided I had to find peace and kick this problems rear end like I knew I could do.  I started the dreaded house hunting process and everything I found was wayyyy off from what we wanted and were accustomed to. I was fighting discouragement in a bad way.  I just kept telling myself that we were going to be just fine.  We always were. But that sneaky voice kept haunting me with 'yeah but this time you are in over your head, lady.' But I just kept kicking it out.

I searching Craigslist every evening when the kids went to bed. Each night, nothing.  Until one night... it was a Thursday and I had come to know each new postting by sight since I check so frequently.  Well, that Thursday night I saw one new post...it read... "Farm House"  Hmmm... It was just enough to grab my curiosity.  I clicked thinking it would just be something to look at.

I fell in love.

This cute little red house that sat on 40 acres of...wait for it...a horse ranch. What you may not know is that I have a little 5 year old daughter who has a passion for growing up to become a horse trainer.  I thought it would be a fleeting phase but it has stuck since about 18 months and only gets stronger!

My thoughts went immediately to her and what a blessing this could be. I knew riding lessons were going to be too costly for me but this...this could be a crazy, wild fun adventure.  I thought all the searching must have drivin me to insanity becasue I was emailing a man about living on a farm.  (Did I mention I grew up in Orange County, California...yeah...not exactly a farm kind of girl! ...or so I thought)

Anyway, we set up an appointment and the guy was very straight foreward that he had a ton of interest and he was looking for a specific type of family.  (I put on my charm...insert little wink here!) Before you knew it...we had a deal and I was handing him a check!

VERY quickly all I could think about was holyyyyy crap WHAT did I just do?! A farm.  Living on a farm. Oh, self, you have really done it this time!  But truth is, I sort of craved the idea of my kids learning hard work and becoming independent and not afraid to get a little dirty and muck a stall full of poop! (There are plenty of kids I wish I could force to do this with!)

Well, God showed up and provided.  A chain went through my church that there was a single mom in need of help on that coming Saturday...oh yeah...it was a record high of 107 degrees that day. I thought for no one would be crazy enough to sacrifice their Saturday to come help a stranger move on a record setting day of heat!  I was wrong...

Most all of these people I had never me until they showed up with tools and a smile to help me move.

A steady train of strangers and friends coming and going constantly with gracious hearts.

And then I found this... the only item left in the home from the previous owner.  A fortune that read: "Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones." I finally took a deep breath and smiled.

Being a single parent comes with a great deal of pressure if you are trying to be a good one! Where will I choose to raise my family. Is this the right school to form my childrens futures? Is this the right neighborhood for them to flourish? Or in my case... Should I move us all to a farm and pray for the best?!

We have been in our new farm house for about a month and a half now.  School just started and I was still looking for some kind of confirmation that I wasn't dragging my kids off on some nutso adventure that I would end up regretting badly.  Well, this week I got my confirmation.

I watched as my kids ran back and forth with excitement to get carrots to feed all of the horses who know them now and come to eagerly to the sound of their tiny voices. Knowing treat are to come! Waiting on the bus I saw what I had been hoping for. It was working. They were loving this new life and soaking up every bit of what I secretly wished for.  Joy. Love. Compassion. Playing outdoors. Taking care of the animals. Bonding. Nature hikes.  It was working. I had done it.  They both have expressed to me this week that mama made a great choice for our new home. *Sigh*

This is our bus stop in the front yard. Both kids with backpacks feeding horrses while waiting to go to school. Memories that will shape them and leave lasting imprints. <3

Nature scavenger hunts with a cutie I've been dating. (maybe more to come on that one at another time!) Boys vs Girls...

Boys won. Of course. Turds.

This has no part to this story whatsoever. It just melts my heart. :-D

I guess I shared this to vent, to encourage, the be appreciative, to give hope.  Something I thought was life-ruining turned out to be one of the biggest, fattest, scariest decisions...that was nothing short of incredible.

So, feel free to come and visit...just bring a bag of carrots!





Parking Lot Blues

I'm sitting here in the parking lot fighting tears. Not wanted to pull away because they'll be farther from my love, my hugs, my "it's going to be ok's".

My babies just started Kindergarten and 1st grade. I'm normally the tough mommy who doesn't cry and thinks the other mommies are just softies! Well, I get it now.

Both are grown. No more daycares and diapers. No more toddler rooms or baby side of the church nursery. We are independently riding school busses and doing everything all by themselves!

Although I am sad and secretly wish they still needed me in the same way they used to, I am so proud of how strong and capable they have grown to be.

So I'll sit here like a big dummy blogging from my cell phone because I can't pull away. Not just yet.

I am so incredibly grateful for these 2 sweet children I have the honor of raising. It is an overwhelming task at times but by far my greatest. I look forward to each new first day of school, new friend, milestones, and everything else this crazy life can throw at me. I can't even put into words how blessed I feel right now.

*sigh*

Ok...it's time. I've spent all morning encouraging my little ones to be big kids and be brave! Now I need to take my own advice and put the big girl panties on! Thanks for listening and going through this growth moment with me!

Off I go! (slowly...)

Ok, for real now... I'm seriously going.

For real.

Now.

Ok, NOW!

Perspective Matters

I've been absent from my blog the last few days because quite frankly, I've been in such a bad mood I didn't even want to hear myself talk! Really, it was for your own good. :)

Still today the stresses of my single mom life have somewhat gotten the best of me. Sad over my kids not having an involved, loving father to learn from, sad about feeling lonely.  Mad that while I'm going back to school I live off of not enough...and the stresses continue.

Back to school has been rough. Trying to provide new clothes and supplies for both kids so they don't stick out in the same clothes from last year. I'm sure that's just mommy guilt speaking.  I try so hard to give them the most normal existence and keep them from knowing there are hardships.I don't ever want them to feel that their lives are any different than their friends and classmates.

While all of these issues are surely no fun, I was hit between the eyes with one of my most favorite words...Perspective.

I'm watching a show highlighting the lives of lifelong foster kids, abuse victims and homeless children.  All of the sudden my perspective changed.  Yes, my problems matter and bring me down...but I know where I will sleep tonight. I was born into a family that is not perfect but loves me deeply and would sacrifice anything to my well being.

I guess this post is to slap myself in the face.  To refocus.  Realign.

I notice that when I allow too much time to pass where I've been hands on helping, volunteering or finding a way to give back, my world becomes all I've got.  My problems magnify and it's all about me.  So, this week I will find a way to make a difference in others lives. To help. To love. To serve. 

I refuse to just slink by in life all pouty because times are tough.  I will fight another round.  I won't give up or become discouraged. My kids will look back someday and realize how hard I worked, what I went without, what I sacrificed for their best interest. Hopefully I will have taught them hard work and determination.  To never let anyone take away your dreams. To never give up. Believe in themselves and make life happen.  It will all be worth it.

This life here is temporary. I want my life to matter eternally. It's so much more than me.

Perspective.

(bitter)Sweet Success

Yesterday was a life changing day for me.  I decided to go back to school at the age of 28 to give a shot at bettering my little families future.  I would study my passion, American Sign Language to become an ASL Interpreter. 

My first year was challenging as a "Non-Traditional" college student but I made it through all of the prerequisites for taking the dreaded, very much rumored about "Interview" process into "The Program."  The Program was talked about like gold in our classrooms.  One day we would all face our fears and see if we measured up to the standard of THE PROGRAM.  You see, if you make it passed your interview and get accepted, you are on an intense schooling journey toward your career goal in our field.

July 31 at 3:20pm.  I was scheduled to see if I could hang with the big kids.  I felt calm and cool but secretly thought I'd get cut for some random fatal mistake or something dumb.  We wouldn't know our fate for up to possibly a week until we would get the "congratulations" email or the "We regret to inform you" bit. I was fighting nerves.

I did the little dance and performed like a trained monkey, I wanted this so badly. I would have stood on my head had they asked.  This was my hope, our future. Our chance at a better life.  I left feeling fairly confident but petrified at the same time.  What's done was done and know it was in their hands.

I prayed that God would clear the path for me if it was meant to be and take my worry and help me find peace.  Funny enough, it worked!  I put the anxiety behind me and pulled up the big girl panties.

So, of course, I was checking my email contantly eventhough I was positive they would make me wait until the last minute of the week deadline.  Well, to my surprise...It was in my inbox.  Today.  Merely 24 hours after my interview.  My heart literally started pounding out of my chest.  My body got hot and flushed and I thought I was going to cry.

And there it was...Congratulations!!! I was in!  I had done it! My kids were on the floor watching tv as my life changed forever. They were clueless as to what this meant for us and I was just sitting there about to explode in happy tears!  i picked up the phone and called my mom instantly. I needed to feel supported. I needed someone to care. I needed to matter.  Of course, mom was amazing. She giggled when I giggled and ohhhhhhed and ahhhhhhed all at the appropriate times.  My mom is wonderful like that.  I immediately climbed on Facebook and announced it to the world waiting for all of the kind words to flood my soul.  They did and it was so satisfying.

But then a few minutes go by and I'm feeling the excitement wear down a bit and a little sadness creep in.  I was walking around my house just lonely.  This was one of those moments where being a single mom (or just single, I guess) sucks. From the bottom of my soul I wanted someone to look at me, proud and throw their arms around me to celebrate.  Maybe even a nice dinner to make it special. But none of that happened. The day went on with sibling fights, trash needing to be taken out, dinner to be served and so on. I put the kids to bed and just fought the feeling of emptiness. Sometimes a wonderful event loses it's sparkle without someone to share it with.

I always end up giving myself the pep talk that convinces myself I'm just fine. It goes something like this... "You don't NEED someone, self.  You're ok.  One day when someone is there you will appreciate all the better!  Just let your pride in yourself be enough for right now and keep plugging along.  One day at a time and kick some booty while doing it!!!"

As much as I believe this is good advice and will follow it soon...right now it just sucks. I'm just not there yet. Maybe tomorrow will be a new mercy and I will tackle the blues and move on.  But, for tonight it's a sad face and pity party of 1.