My New Years Resolution Is To Not Be So Lame

It's a New Year. A time for new starts, fresh attitudes and hope is in the air. Well, leave it to me to be sulking in bed scrolling through all of the happy Facebook posts adding my own more "realistic" commentary to what is probably actually going on in their perfect Facebook world. 

Dont get me wrong, I think I'm a pretty grateful person for the most part. And in my own defense, I have my fair share of real life struggles that make it easy for someone to lie in bed and enjoy a pity party every now and again. 

But then it just hits me sometimes. (And boy am I glad when it does because I can get pretty lame if I go unchecked for a while!) 

Thoughts begin to invade my brain and challenge my more dumb approach to life...

 "Is this really who I want to be?" 

"Do I want to just exist in this life?"

"You know better. Get up."

"Do whatever you can to be love with whatever it is you do have."

"You have a choice."

"You may feel defeated right now. But this is what determines real strength. Endurance."

"So?! What do you choose?!"

At this point I know what needs to be done. I've lived too many years broke, lonely and barely trying to get by...but with absolute true joy and gratitude resounding in my heart and life. I know better. 

There is no way to achieve true joy other than to give of yourself. Your love. Your time. When I lose the "others focused" mentality I am left to only think about myself and those in my small little circle. What a dangerous place to be! 

Everything begins to revolve around you and your need or desire for happiness. You try to get it any way you can and it ends up sucking the life out of you and anyone near you.  

So today I had a little wake up call and decided to give in whatever way I was capable. 

I had WAY too much lasagna and desserts left over from the holidays so I started there. Dished up healthy portions into to go containers and wrote notes of joy, silliness and/or encouragement on each. 

Next I went through a drawer of hotel toiletries that had just been taking up space and divided out little hygiene care packages. 

I knew of a local hang out where the homeless community hung out but it was mostly men and I really wanted to give them some new clothes, especially something to help keep warm. Sooo, my boyfriend grew very curious as to why he was receiving picture texts of his clothing asking how attached he might be to certain items from his closet! He went along with my weirdness without explanation and BAM I had outfits to give! 

I grabbed some sodas from the fridge and grocery bags from under the sink...the kitchen was a flurry for a solid 2 hours! I stopped in a local shop who happily gave me take out utensils and napkins to top off my goods. 

I wrote funny notes on the bags and off I went to hopefully not make a fool of myself. I prayed with each step that if there were people there when I arrived that God would place just the right ones who needed whatever it was I had to offer. 

I determined I wouldn't say much, just smile and be friendly. So to my surprise I saw 4 men hanging out at the spot. (I had 4 bags!)  I smiled and casually greeted them and wished them a happy new year. I walked passed and began to leave the bags against the wall without words. They must have read the bags and knew right away what I was doing. 

There was a mix of shock, confusion and sweet sweet childlike gratitude as I walked off quietly and left them to look through the items with dignity. The look on one of their faces will stay with me. 

I am so grateful for the moments that come and kick me in my stupid butt. The world needs LESS of my selfishness and way more of whatever it is I can give at whatever moment I might be in. 

It can be difficult to make the transition from self centered to others centered. We are pretty much programmed to "do what makes you happy!" I say that is the worst piece of advice. Do what makes someone else happy and watch what kind of true joy you will experience in yourself.  

Well, That Won't Make Sense

I found a few blogs I wrote 2 years ago that I chose to not publish here.  So if my timeframes seem out of whack, the posts in between my comeback post this month and this one are all from 2012.

That's right, folks! I'm that lucky girl!  Menopause at 29!

Let me back up and explain a bit...

For the last couple of years I have experienced seemingly random medical issues that were just so crummy.  (Fair Warning: Following symptoms not for the weak tummy friends!)

It all started when I got my period...and it would NOT go away!  I saw my Dr after a month and a half of this madness and she just said it's just my body getting older and making adjustments, bla bla bla.  "After all, you're almost 30 now."  Yeah. Gee, thanks.

She was a bit more willing to listen after I was back in her office another month and a half later with the same problem.  3 months straight of being on your period.  Awesome. (Can you feel my excitement?!)

Next came a series of equally crummy crap. (Medical terminology. I hope you can keep up with my endless vocabulary of impressiveness)  My weight shot up by a good 15 lbs.  When you are 5'2 and about 120lbs, this is a major problem.  I popped right out of all of my clothing and was a hot mess.

And then there is the acne. Gotta love being a grown adult, a mother of two and a full face of painful, gross cystic acne. It was so horrendous and lasted for over a year and a half. Now I have the gift of being covered in nasty scars and my skin has been ravaged.

Issue after issue kept coming up.  Pain in abdomin, oddly high cholesterol, blotchy skin discoloration, having to get up to use the restroom on average 4-5 times each night and the hunched over in pain for days kind of constipation. (You are welcome for the delicious visual) And let's not forget the gut wrencher...the inability to concieve naturally.

It took countless doctor appointments, 6 or 7 different doctors and specialists to finally figure out that I had a combination of Endometriosis and PCOS (Polysyctic Ovarian Syndrome). It all sounded like gibberish to me.

Unfortunately neither of these conditions have any cure. This was my "new normal".  I was less than thrilled.

I scheduled surgery to attempt to relieve some of the abdominal pain caused by the endometriosis immediatley. Recovery was rough and I'm not so sure how much it actually helped.

So the kicker. "We want to set your body into a temporary premature state of menopause"  You can imagine my confusion and shock.  All I knew about menopause was it was for old ladies. They complained about sticking their heads in freezers because they were so miserably hot and went batcrap crazy freaking out their loved ones with all their emotional rollercoasters!  Sign me up!?!?!

She explained that the drug, Lupron, would shut down my girly parts giving my "angry uterus" time to settle and heal from so much trauma experienced over the years.  Ohhhhhkay. My angry Uterus. That's a new one.

I took all my new information and somehow managed to autopilot myself home. Trying to digest my "new normal".   About 18 pills a day.

As a single woman it was exceptionally exciting to be in a new relationship while entering this new phase. This poor guy had no idea what he signed up for!

I had my moments of "why me" and "this sucks" but then realized I had a choice to make.  I could pout and be miserable, taking anyone around down with me.  Or... I could give this menopause crap the middle finger and fight like hell!

I am about a month and a half into the treatment now.  Ideally they wanted me on 2 3 month injections. A total of 6 months of treatment.

I will say I am fighting and refuse to give up.  I will also say there have been battles that I felt like the illness won. Days I cried like a baby and missed church becasue I couldn't pull myself together.  Days I yelled at the kids knowing full well it was not justified.  Days I couldn't bring myself to blog becuase I felt like the menopause had just stolen my brain. I could not create and write. (I am still nervous that this post is even logical or worth crap)  It absolutely plays with your mind.

As well as your mind, it plays with your body.  I had lost all of the weight by hard work and strict diet and was incredibly proud of myself.  Well, every single pound is back.  It only took about a month to gain nearly 12ish pounds. I feel like a lazy failure in this department.  The ugly truth is that I have the compulsions to eat all day, every day.  As if nothing will satisfy my unrest and anxiety other than food. And lots of it.  I inhale it like a person who has been starved. Complete binge eating.  It frightens me that I can't seem to control this part.

I learned that I am losing my health insurance about 3/4 of the way into this treatment plan.  So, I have decided to not take the second injection of Lupron. I can't lie and say I'm not a bit relieved to try and find some normalcy again.  I just went back to school and trying to study and progress in studies is proving to be quite the challenge with menopause brain.

I have faced a lot of adversity and challenges in my little life.  I can now add menopause to the lovely list.  I hope I can look back and say I kicked its booty but that is yet to be determined. (It may be a more accurate study to ask those around me that had to put up with me during this trial!)

The Power of Nice

I have always believed I held great power.  Well, I have always believed each and every one of us holds great power.  Power over ourselves,. Power over situations. Power of decisions. Power over our thoughts.  But what I feel most powerful... Power over others.

We have tremendous power over those around us in our every day, average, normal lives.

I see each day as a string of choices.  We make choices in almost every moment of every day. Where will I go now? Who will I see next? 

How about the choices we are barely aware we are making... I'm not going to make eye contact with that person. Oh boy, let's avoid that situation.

We navigate our days with a series of choices whether we are aware of this or not.

When I sit back and observe people and situations I often find myself thinking "If they only recognized their own power."

A mother screaming at her child, perhaps calling him a nasty or worthless name.  A spouse berating or nagging at the other. Ripping them down by their most vulnerable spots. A teacher giving up on a child who may need a little extra help. A complete stranger spouting rudeness to someone who maybe made a mistake or bumped into them.

Can we not see the opportunities right in front of our eyes to be nice?  To show mercy, compassion and love?  When did this go out of style?  I believe it went out of style when our culture decided we (ourselves) are most important. If you or your actions do not reflect this way of thinking then you are in the wrong and must pay for it. It's all about me.

Somehow we have confused ourselves about where joy comes from.  Our culture acts as if joy comes from things and pleasure. But take a look at those people who live this way. Are they joyful?  Nope. If anything they are consistently displeased and discontent.  Always looking for more.

Now let's switch gears here.  If that same rude attitude had the power over another person to make them feel rejected, foolish or angry... I wonder what would have transpired had you reacted to their mistake with grace. Compassion. Love. 

The mother of the child used her words to encourage her child. Uplifting their sprits and giving them the self confidence to grow and feel worthy.  Instead of a naggy spouse you use your power to build them up and show them in love that you believe in them and would be by their side. (Hello to a new, revived, encouraged and happy spouse!)  Or the teacher who chooses to believe in that child. Using their power to inpire and challenge this young student.

We have such power over those around us. We have the power to breathe life into a lonely soul who may be contmplating the end.  we have the power to put a smile on the face of a stranger with a simple compliment.  We have to power to give hope to the hopeless.

Do you think for a second you would not be changed by this?  This is the kind of life a joyful person lives.  Nice. Grace. Love. Compassion.  This is where you find true joy.

I'd like to challenge you to try this out!  Maybe start with one situation a day. If you would normally speak harshly to your spouse, try to speak out of love and encouragement.  If you are a screamer with your children, try to communicate gentleness and peace.  Smile at a stranger.  Engage in a conversation with the clerk at the grocery check out line. Play with your power and watch it tranform others. Give an extra hug. Tell someone you appreciate them.

You will be stunned at the joy you feel as you learn to love and bless others. It's a powerful thing.

The Other Side of Welfare

Lately it is almost daily I flip open my laptop, login into any social media site and get hit by a sting that makes me want to put my head down or maybe scream. Or both. It's kinda confusing...here we go...

I am a recipient of welfare.  Yep.

And guess what...I'd pass a drug test.  I don't have an iPad.  I don't drive a Mercedes. I have never used food stamps to purchase fancy meals. Yes, I have an iphone...but easy on the quick judgements and righteous attitudes. It was a gift. Because I can't afford something like that. Yep, I actually live on a budget, take wonderful care of my kids, have no credit debt and am working my tail off to provide a better life for me and my children.

Now, I understand that there are many people out there who abuse the system and make a lifestyle of standing in lines for handouts. I'm not one of them.

It's not only people like them but also people like the ones posting and ranting derogatory remarks every chance they get publicly on social media that make me feel like I should be ashamed to ask for help when I am the reason the system is even in place! I wish people could stop placing judgement without thinking. Just throwing the hate around, knowing nothing about the struggles people like me face.

The man I trusted our lives to dumped us with absolutely nothing. I've worked up to 3 jobs at one time just trying to make ends meet while he enjoyed a footloose and fancy free life. I have worked harder in the last 4.5 years than most people have to work in a lifetime. All to make a better life for my children after our world was flipped on us.

I went back to school for a chance at a career.  I shovel horse crap every morning to earn a couple of bucks in between getting both kids ready and on the bus and hurrying to class all day, all week. Every moment of every day is devoted to making our life better. And we still barely get by.

So, yes. I asked for help so I could have the opportunity to do the hard work it would take to make these changes. I qualified for a loan to go back to school and type on this here laptop. I have help to supply food for my children and for a short time some help that allowed me to seek necessary medical attention.

And guess what...I'm grateful.  And you ready for the shocker...I can't wait to be independent again so I no longer need assistance.

If even one person could ease up on public blasting of those on welfare I will consider my vulnerability in this post worth it. 

"But You Have So Much Potential!"

Ha! Wasn't that the worst growing up? Those slimy 6 words that made you feel a whole 6 inches tall.  Some random grown up with their disapproving eyes wagging a finger in your disinterested face. "Oh honey, ...but you have so much potential!"  It always seemed to me like a more polite approach to saying you currently have absolutely nothing going for you...

Fast forward a couple of decades and I find myself staring down my own nose, catching my p.o.v...a wagging finger...pointed at some young buck. "Oh. but they have soooo much potential!"

Funny how we come full circle.  But in this case it's a bit of an "ah-ha!" moment. Where you want to go back and hug those people who believed in you and took a moment to pour into you. Believeing you could achieve greatness...but one small catch. You must believe it yourself. And we can't make you.

I have found that my strength in this this situation is also my curse. Sometimes I meet a certain someone and something just clicks inside of me. I can see a future for this person unlike they can even imagine themselves. This feeling deep down that they were created for more than just an average life.  My heart swells and I get all kinds of excited about the "potential!"

Sometimes you hit a homerun and can feel like you may have had an impact on someone's life and it is thrilling!  Maybe, just maybe, you made a difference in their future. Helping them see themselves in the most beautiful light no matter their circumstances. Propeling them forward, believing in themselves.  It is nothing short of incredible to see someone learn to see themselves as a person of value.

However, unfortunately, it feels like more times than not I end up sad and disappointed at their lack of desire to believe. To do a little hard work and create a better life, learn to be proud and love themselves. At times it feels like my own loss.

So, I've learned the best thing you can do for such people is to continue to love them. Accept them for exactly for who they are ...but never give up on them. You never know when their heart may soften. And who knows, it may take just that one more time of showing interest that they finally begin to believe that maybe there is a hint of truth in all your crazy talk!

A Letter to the Daddies

Dad. Stepdad. Father-In-Law. Even the guy who plays Dad to the little boy who doesn't know his real father. You.

You. Are. Precious.  Your worth is beyond measure. 

I was out and about the other day and came upon a Daddy out with his 2 girls.  Just the 3 of them.  Nothing extraordinary was going on and we were no place special. I found myself just staring, soaking them in with a smile. All I could think of was how lucky those girls were. They will grow up being shaped by man who loves them, fulfills their hearts needs and instills self respect from way deep down. So powerful.

Maybe it is the boy at the park with his old man.  To the average observer they are simply honing this kids pitching skills.  Oh but there is just so much more going on there. This boy is being formed every day into whatever kind of man he will become. So I watch the 2 interact. I see love.  I see investment.  I see self-respect. I see determination and drive. This Daddy is pouring into his son, teaching him with his every word and action.

Daddies, you are so very important.  Please don't ever doubt your value in your childs life. It doesnt matter how fantastic of a mother your children have.  They need you.  As much as Mommy can try, there is something in us all that makes us crave our Daddy.  What an incredible calling you all have.

You and only you can fill that little Daddy shaped spot in the hearts of your children.  Your love is a vital part of your childs deepest needs. The love of a father can move mountains within a child's soul.

Thank you to all of the Daddies out there who take that extra second to snuggle their baby girl.  Or the Daddy who reads that one last book with his son before bedtime. You are making a difference. 

You matter.

Being a father is such a high calling. My hope for you is that you cherish each moment and respect the deep connection you will always have with your children.  There may come a day when your mistakes catch up with you and your babies have grown and walked away.  Do not give up. They do still need their Daddy.  Never give up on yourself. Do whatever it takes to heal those wounds. Hear me, never give up. Your love should be unconditional and relentless.

Good or bad, Daddies will mold their babies. The choice is up to you.  But, please know, it matters.

You matter.